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When is the best time to ask my questions?

Lg
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To give a bit of background...My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year. He had an operation to remove a tumour which we were told worked (they were unable to do a blast of radiotherapy afterwards as he already has an existing health condition in his other lung, quite a rare form of sclederma, which makes him unwell) but a few months later the cancer is back. It is aggressive and spread to soft tissue and is also near his windpipe making breathing/eating/talking /sleeping very difficult for him. By not eating and being sleep deprived he is declining rapidly and it is hard to see. He also is quite stubborn generally and not one for "deep" conversations. As he is ill, he is obviously feeling very tired and irritable on top of that and is in pain a lot. He does not want any help or advice from family/friends etc. The hospital has told him it is terminal and he has 3-6 month or potentially a year with treatment, and that it's caused by a 'faulty gene' (?!) It has shaken our family as my dad is only in his mid 60's and it has progressed very quickly. He is no changing daily in front of my families eyes and the Drs have said his only option is chemo (the "less strong" version due to how weak he is now). He is going to do this, starting next week.

I have lots of questions I'd like to ask my dad. Stuff about his life/ childhood /other relatives/choices/ funeral arrangements etc... He has never been a big talker and I dont want to scare, upset or annoy him but my question is, how and when do I ask these questions? I dont want to wait till it's too late but I also don't want to be morbid or sad. If he dismisses the idea of a conversation, I don't want to miss my chance to connect with him as each day seems to bring new challenges and changes. Or do I leave it and not ask?? 

Any suggestions?? 

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    HI LG,

    Someone once told me that the only daft question was the one that was left unasked. 

    It is always hard to ask someone about their own end of life care (hospital, home or hospice?) or funeral preferences, but it doesn't seem like your Dad is likely to start those particular conversations. Sometimes people feel better talking about these with a nurse or other health professinal who isn't emotionally attached. Better to ask sooner, rather than later though. The longer it is left, the harder it will be to ask him. He may be avoiding thinking about it. Getting  a poor or terminal prognosis affects everyone differently some people go into denial and refuse to even think more than a week ahead. I possibly went too far the other way and sorted out my funeral plans, my will, my life insurance policy, my pensions, my online usernames and passwords, then I put everything in a clearly marked folder and showed my wife and son where the folder was. 

    Make sure you look after yourself and try not to get into a situation where you are is his sole carer. He may not want help from family or friends but you may need it. At the very least try to get MacMillan, the District nurses, Marie Curie nurses, the local Hospice and anyone else available involved. Your GP will be able to make a referral for these services. Again, the sooner this is done the better ... even if your Dad doesn't need the help now, it is better to get it lined up rather than wait until you're in a crisis situation. 

     

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Thank you, this is helpful. X

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