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Dad given months to live- Is what I’m feeling normal?

McMill85
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Hi there I’m posting and looking on how others felt as I’m not sure how I’m feeling is normal and I’m scared I might end up breaking down, which I really don’t want to happen. 

Firstly for some background on 1st of November 2016 my dad then aged 52 was diagnosed with stage 3 T3 N2 M0 lung cancer, as he was young and fit he had combined radiotherapy and chemotherapy which finished in the Jan/Feb of 2017 as you can imagine we were devastated at diagnosis ( I can feel the same knot in my tummy as I type) but he soldiered through the treatment and did really well. In May 2017 his tumour had shrunk from 7cm x 5.5cm to 2x1.5cm. In October 2017 we had miracle scan results in which there was no discernible tumour anywhere to be seen which nobody not even his consultant was expecting those results. Come the beginning of February 2018 we had devastating news that the cancer had returned with a vengeance and was 4cm and more active than his previous tumour, he started on immunotherapy pembromizulab soon after and has continued on that until now.

Yesterday he had results from his scan, which he had last Monday as he was an inpatient being treated for pneumotitis and his tumour had grown significantly (we don’t know actual size as formal report isn’t there) and he can no longer continue treatment as he hasn’t responded and he’s not well enough as since end of May he’s had x3 hospital attendances with a DVT, deranged LFTS and kidney function and then of course his pneumotitis, therefore he’s been given a few months I was devastated when he told me yesterday (I’ve never cried in front of him since diagnosis) and balled my eyes out to the point I made him cry and my knees nearly gave way, but following that I now feel ok as in sort of at peace which is worrying me as I just don’t think it’s normal reaction and no where near how I thought I’d react. But then I wonder if it is normal as I’m a nurse (a bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing!)and when he was initially diagnosed I thought we’d be lucky to have 12 months with him, then of course we had our miracle results...but then when the tumour came back since then I’ve just had a horrible feeling that it wasn’t going to be good and have sort of been bracing myself for now.  

He was an inpatient in a cancer centre from last Saturday to Thursday, he had his scan on the Monday with the promise of results either the Monday evening or Tuesday, we literally sat at the hospital all day everyday waiting but kept getting told we can’t give you results until the report is back etc then to be told on thursday that they were going to wait for his oncologist to give him his results this Monday as she knew him and they couldn’t give them without the report, however as I a nurse I know that regardless of whether the report is on the scan a specialist Dr can look at the images and give you an idea of results whilst waiting for the formal report to confirm. Because of this last week I just knew it wasn’t going to be good news I’ve seen it happen many times before where Drs have known scan results by looking at the images but wait for the consultant to give the bad news albeit not for that length of time mind!

So last week I was a mess, upset a bit withdrawn whilst just processing it all. The results yesterday have only confirmed what I already knew. I just feel now that we finally have a answer and that since February we’ve been in a sort of limbo of will it work won’t it work etc and now weirdly I feel ok with it as there’s no more of that limbo, I’m counting our blessings and although we’ve been unlucky we’ve also been so lucky he really has been so amazing throughout and up until May he’s been so strong and really well with everything he’s been through. I’m the biggest daddies girl and I literally cannot imagine a world without him in it at all I just don’t understand why I feel so accepting of it? I’m sat here thinking has it not hit me properly and I haven’t taken it in and then all of a sudden it’s just going to come and hit me in the face like nothing I’ve ever known when I least expect it, I have no idea and just wonder if anyone else has felt the same?

Sorry In advance for the extremely long post xx

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    Hello McMill85 and a warm welcome to Cancer Chat

    Don't apologize for your long post - you write very well and I am sure there will be many on this forum reading your post and finding themselves nodding, identifying with the emotions you describe, the feelings of being left in limbo for so long followed by the acceptance of knowing at least now what may happen and what you are dealing with. I am sure, as you said, with being trained as a nurse, you could see a lot of this coming and at least now you probably feel you have a clearer understanding of the situation even if it isn't great news. Your dad must really appreciate your support at this time and that you will continue to be there for him. I think many of our members have dealt with a wide range of complex emotions in a situation like this and with two people not being the same, we probably all react a bit differently to news like this.

    I hope you'll hear from others on the forum who have been in your place and that they will share their story of how they themselves coped once they received similar news of a loved one being given only months to live.

    Anytime you need to share these feelings with us, feel free to post here as it does help sometimes to write things down and put emotions into words, especially when you know that people reading your post may be feeling the same as you.

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi McMill85, 

    I can relate. My mum is on Pembro and is now doing very well but, for a couple of months at the start of treatment, it was pretty touch and go. She had a series of chest infections which were overwhelming. One day I realised she wasn't going to make it and, I too, felt almost at peace with the inevitability of it all. I don't know how, but she made it through. 

    There's no wrong way to feel. I think it's ok to feel however you feel (if that makes sense....). You've been on a huge rollercoaster of ups and downs. I know its easier said than done, but try to accept feeling calm and know that you've handled feelings of sadness, despair and anxiety in the past and you'll be able to do it again should they appear. It sounds like you are very supportive for your dad which is great, I hope you also have support for yourself. 

    I'm also really glad you got to have quality time with your father when he was feeling strong. It means so much, doesn't it? My mum are I are also very close (single parent family) and I've lived away from home for over ten years with only visits back for xmas ect. When she got ill I thought I'd never have the time to just be around her and feel like family again. Luckily I was wrong. Today we had a water fight with the garden hose and the dogs, just the kind of thing we'd do when I was little :) So grateful for this precious time. 

    Your dad may still surprise the docs, lots of people do x 

     

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    Hey, McMill85.

    First, don't apologize for your sharing your feelings and I'm glad you're actually doing this actually. I can totally relate to you, I lost my mother a month ago she was diagnosed with GBM stage 4 and when they first diagnosed her we knew she was going to die and there weren't any cure for this type of cancer. I first thought I accepted it, I knew that she was going to die but I was so calm. I was sharing your exact feelings. But there is nothing wrong about this. This is your coping strategy with your fathers sickness. It's actually good because when you feel like this you can be there for him in a much more better way, he needs your support. And if it hits you after that, that's okay too. You're only a human, just remember that everything is going to be okay. It always will.

    This is just your coping mechanism, there is nothing wrong with it.

  • Offline in reply to cloverangel

    There are no rules friend.

    Just keep trucking on and advocate for your Dad as best you can , trying to keep things as peaceful and normal as possible.

    watch out for the rubberneckers and people who want their last say.

    Normal and peaceful with good, calm people around you xxx

    all the very best for this part of your journey xx

  • Offline in reply to myandy

    Thank you all for your time and support it really means so much ️ Sorry I’ve taken a bit of time to reply been busy with work and putting together dads ‘bucket list’! I’m still feeling strangely ok but I’m accepting that’s just my way. I was so confused with my feelings when I initially posted, hence why I did post, but I feel so much better after reading your replies. My dad is really strong so I guess that’s a trait I've got from him!

    It’s funny, I’ve often looked at people in awe and thought just wow how do they do it, where do they find the strength? But I suppose until you’re actually in that situation you don’t know how you’ll react. Thank you again I wish you all the very best in everything you’re dealing with, sending love xxx

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