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Just found out my Dad has 12 months to live

DVH
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Hi all

 

Just found out yesterday that my Dad’s prostate cancer has progressed to his bones, lymphatic system and liver and he has up to 12 months to live. He has been really well and his cancer was hitherto well managed with the PSA remaining low. This news has come as a total shock. He’s my rock and the thought of so little time left with him is devastating. He’s also the primary carer for my mum who has dementia. I’m overwhelmed by what now needs sorting for both of their care needs at a time when I’m in shock and utterly devastated. 

 

Any tips on coping, best ways to sort care, best ways to enjoy the time left rather than waste it away feeling sad would be fab. 

 

Thank you x

  • Offline
    @DVH, hello my dear. I'm so sorry to read of the devastating news about your dad. Having just lost my dad to lung cancer 9 months ago, the best advice that I can give you is; 1.) TRUST IN GOD, 2.) Spend as much time with him as possible (take numerouspictures and videos, leave nothing unsaid), and 3.) Become both his and your mother's Power of Attorney (if you're not already). If you can afford to be out of work to care for him in the upcoming months, please do (even if it means having to care for dad in a relative's house where you will have little to no expenses). It won't be easy but it'll be worth it, trust me! I know the fear that you're experiencing, and you have already begun the grieving process (in advance) which is normal with terminal illness. Like your mom, my dad actually suffered from dementia prior to the lung cancer diagnosis so it was my mother who helped me to care for him while I worked. Considering that your dad is the one who cares for your mom, I hope that you have family members who can contribute to the care of your mom. You will need all the support that you can get. Please remember to take care of yourself in the process. I don't know your dad's age however you mentioned that his cancer has spread. As much as you love and need him, you have to allow him to make the decision of whether or not he wants to pursue treatment. In all honesty, my family and I opted for palliative care rather than "treatment" because we preferred quality of life VS quantity. In other words, we rather have had dad with us for a few good months than a year of pain and suffering through harsh and aggressive treatments such as chemo and radiation. Granted, we ALL would want to be selfish and keep our parents around forever BUT in life and death situations like this, your dad needs to be the ultimate decision maker for his own sake. Please familiarize yourself with hospice care and keep it as an option for dad. I will say a prayer for you and your family. No matter what, always remember that the Lord won't give you more than you can handle. "The Lord Giveth and Taketh Away" Job 1:21
  • Offline in reply to rebvelaz83
    Thank you for you kind response. I’m sorry for your loss x
  • Offline in reply to DVH

    You are most certainly welcomed. You are stronger than you know, and everything will be okay. 

  • Offline

    Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear of your news. My mum was given 6 months to live and it broke my heart, not a second went by where I didn't think about it. The main thing that I learnt is that if you wan't to do something with him, arrange a family meal or take him out, do it sooner than later. I arranged for my mum to feed wolves which was her dream and I am beyond grateful she was able to do it however some of the things I booked towards the end of her life, she was not able to do, she physically could not. Your journey is going to be hard but the main thing is to just be there by his side and show him how much he is loved. I didn't have a lot of money so sometimes I would just cook a nice meal, arrange a family BBQ or made a movie night at home for mum so she was never alone. I wish you the best of luck my dear x

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    Hello am sorry to hear your news I lost my dad and bother and now my partner has cancer only found out 5 weeks ago all I can say is enjoy what you have do what you wont to do with your dad try not to worry about next week the week after just enjoy each day and make the best memories you can good luck

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    I’m too so sorry to hear this, my dad was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer also spread to bones 2 years ago, he has been doing well and reacted well to chemo and radio although today we too have found out that they have given him 12 months, it is so hard he is and has always been my rock and supported all my dreams and gave me the best upbringing ever, taking me to spurs, playing every sport imaginable together and always there to lend a helping hand, I have as does my brother two young families and believe me I know how hard it is trying to support your new family as well as trying to make the best possible future for your new family. I’m in a massive state of shock at the moment and although we have had two years to prepare for this news it is just not something you can really plan for. I wish there was so much more I could do for anyone going through the same pain but life is so incredibly tough as it is, it was nice to find this forum and say what I am thinking to people who can relate and understand although I’m totally broken and deverstated and know the next year will be so tough I’m thankful that I can have one year and hopefully more learning and seeing my dad daily although I cry myself to sleep most nights I’m so thankful for everyday I wake up and he is here and I can speak with him and see him. I’d love to go see someone where I can talk and come to terms with it more, does anyone know if that is possible and how to access it?

     

    im not a religious man but I think constantly about people in the same position and how I can help 

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