So for a while, my mum was getting better, but now even though mum is on a drip and we have nurses at our house 24/7, she is getting worse. One month ago, the doctors said she would most likely pass away in the next few days, but she pulled through and is still here. Now one month later, we are in the same position. I hope she can stay with us longer. If anything happens it will just complicate things. My brother has exams in a few weeks, and if we need to have a funeral we have to travel to my mum's family in the UK. Meaning we both miss school and he misses his gcse exams.
In september, my brother and I start boarding school in the UK, and my dad has to live half way across the world without his children and wife. Our cat died as well, so he won't really have anyone with him, and I'm just so worried. I'm also scared that when I wake up every morning, someones going to tell me that mum isn't breathing, or if I go to school, I'll get pulled out of lessons and faint. I haven't actually told anyone about my mum, but people seem to know. The girls are sensitive, and the boys don't act any different, telling the same 'ur mum gay' and 'thats so cancerous' jokes. I try to ignore them.
I know I'm not alone, but I feel like I am. I'm not scared of losing my mum, becasue I know she is in a lot of pain. But I'm scared of what happens after. Of what will happen to my dad when we all leave. Of the funeral. I've taken to writing poetry, it sounds a bit strange but rhyming helps calm me. I feel scared to do it, but I'm going to put an early draft of one of my first poems below.
It starts about my cat, then about my mum.
you are so beautiful
no words can explain
i'm trying my hardest
despite all the pain
your absence is felt
though no one talks of you
you fell of the tightrope
now she's falling too
she is my sunshine
on the gloomiest day
i thought summer had come
but wind blew my hopes away
pathetic falacy
oh i see it all the time
the sun doesn't come out
her heart beat starts to climb
but not in excitement
we're past all of that
your scared of leaving us
you know we know that
you stare at me
with your beautiful brown eyes
i got them from you
i'll never forget out time
i'm scared of going out
of wearing all black
of people seeing my cry
you'd probably laugh at that
you'd tell me you love me
it's just another day
another day of moving on
while in the ground you stay
emma
13/4/2018
