My dad is terminal

Hi all. 

I've been looking for some kind of support and just people to relate to. My dad had kidney cancer two years ago, had 8 tumours on one kidney and had it removed. A year later, 12 tumours on the other, had it removed and is now on dialysis every other day for 4 or 5 hours at a time. He recently went for a check up when we found out the cancer has spread to both lungs, his liver and is in his blood. They have said there is nothing they can do now and a month ago gave him 3 months to 1 year. He has started deteriorating the past few days, struggling to eat and such. I'm hoping this is due to new tablets he has been put on, to shrink the tumours and give him some more time, but his breathing has got worse and his aches and pains. It is such a difficult time for the family, I have brothers and sisters and we are all trying to be there for each other. More than anything I am worried for my mum who had a break down and said she doesn't know if she can live without him. I don't know how to support her properly, i have a genuine worry for her health and what she is capable of to ensure she is always with my dad. I feel a bit lost at the moment and I'm not sure what I'm really looking for on here, except maybe some support and directions to advice if possible. I can't believe this is happening to us and I can't believe how many are affected by cancer, it is so cruel. 

  • Jenrose, I think this is a good place to get support. It has helped me a lot to talk to people in similar situations. My dad has also been deteriorating rapidly, which I didn't think would happen so quick and it can feel like there's just not enough time left ot get things done. I am sorry to hear that your mom is having a hard time with this. The best thing you can do at this time is to spend as much time with him as possible. Have deep conversations with him and talk about everything you've always wanted to talk about. I feel like I want to do so many things with my dad before he passes, but this is not like the movies so I jsut have to settle for some quality time, which is always great. It's also important for your family to stick together through this because when this is over you guys will still have each other. I've learned leaning on my family through this helps a lot. Tell your mom how much you lover her and explain that you and your siblings still need her in your lives and you can't go through another loss of a parent. Maybe therapy or counseling could be beneficial? I wish you the best for this journey.

    Cassidy

  • Hi there ... and welcome ...

    There are quite a few going through this at the moment on here (too many) and your so right cancer knows no boundaries, it tries to crush us all and wants to see us give up, and never smile again .. but all I know is I lost my mum when I was 39 to heart attack ... one Monday morning talking to her on the phone about her coming up mine on the next day ... last thing she said was see ya tomorrow love ... there was no tomorrow ... she died at 5.20 that day ... what I'd give to have had just one day ... just one hour ... 

    So I'd say every day hold on, take every day as a bonus ... cry, hug, and leave nothing unsaid ... and you just may get the time to have a few more loving memories ... is there things she'd like to do, talk about her childhood memories ... pack each day while you have her ... and remember there are some that push the boundaries they are given, and some go sooner ... and hold try to walk this last path together ... 

    I've got breast cancer and it's a grade 3 her 2 .. and can't have conventional treatment , but can take tamoxifen ... so here I am, really not knowing what tomorrow holds .. but you know I spent xmas in Florida. . I've looked after my grand kids ... laughed and found something in every day to make me smile .. so I'm doing what I've said to you ... we can lay down cry and just wait .. or live every day we have .. 

    Every smile, every emotion shared, every memory you make, is knowing cancer may get us in the end, but not let it take one more day then it has too ... it's not about always being brave, it's about having all those feelings you have, and knowing that's o.k ... but after you jump back on this path and sticking two fingers up to cancer ... it may take our bodies but not our hearts and minds ...

    Big hug to you all ... Chrissie xx

  • Chrissie I agree with you. I think dealing with hard times like this make us really appreciate the little things and all the happy times we get to have. Some people go through life and don't stop to enjoy in the moment. So even though cancer may seem like a curse, it helps us in weird ways. But I think your words are really insightful and are veyr encouraging. 

  • Thank you very much Chrissie. Your kind and insightful words really do mean a lot. I'm finding it very difficult at the moment to say anything more than that to be honest, but you really have helped a lot so thank you.