Oh Kate,

This all sounds so so sad. I know the heartache of losing a baby and offer my sincere sympathy. Have you tried going to any of the classes for people with cancer or even to see a counsellor? There are several and it's just a case of finding the right class for you. It is also heartening to meet other people and hear how they are coping.

Do you discuss how you feel with your hubby? It can be a great help to be able to discuss how you feel and what is said at appointments quite openly between you both. Instead of thinking about leaving your hubby, why not try to be more positive about things? It's not easy, I know. I'm currently waiting for tests for a third cancer. My first was 8 years ago, my second 7 and now I'm facing a third and different type of cancer. I was very low to start with, but now I am determined to beat it for as long as I can.

Do you have anyone who can accompany you to all of your appointments? This can be very helpful.

Please let us know what you decide to do. We are always here for you whenever you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hello kate2late; just wanted to add my sympathy and best wishes to you at this awful time.  I don't know if this will help you at all but I am attaching some information from MacMillan Cancer Support which may be useful.  Reading this it must make you wonder why you have been given such a heavy load to bear and there is no answer - cancer is ruthlessly random.  Do you think it would help you to do a daily (or every two-three days) post here to say what you are doing and set down your feelings about what is happening to you?  Not only might it help you but others would read it and respond.  (I understand that you might feel "no way" about this.)  Best wishes to you.  Annie

www.macmillan.org.uk/.../people-close-to-you.html

Dearest Kate

Im so very sorry, what a huge huge burden my love, for you and your husband. I dont know what to advise but I felt so upset for you reading your post I wanted to tell you i was thinking about you. 

Im going through a scare with my husband of 2 years at the moment, i dont know whats going to hapoen but Ill be sharing everything with him, grief, anger, love and time. Build memories for him, and for you, as happy as you can. Talk to people, councelling and talking out loud can temporarily ease the burden. Try to laugh and spend quality time together. 

All my love x 

Thank you so so much for the lovely replies. I feel so downtrodden.

Normal things are no longer normal. I cant settle at anything and feel so afraid all the time. I fear the night.

I dont want to die

Xxxx

Hay Kate.. just want to send you a huge hug ... wer all thinking of you ... l hate this cancer that has no compation .... any time you want to vent this is the place ... Chrissie

Kate2late. I don't know how to process this. I've been dealing with prostate cancer for the past three years. I knew exactly what was happening, having studied the disease extensively (it being in the family), and I was immediately "broken" even at the first sign of it in me through the blood tests. It looks like initial treatment is failing, less than a year out. I'm 58 and realize that I should be better at handling this than say, someone 26 years old. There is a thought, though, that "middle age" carries the most weight of regret. Even if that is (disgracefully?) so, I feel ashamed at my self-absorption, unable to stop the worrying and, worst of all -- having to admit thoughts of bitterness that I might die before others I'm close to -- both the narcissistic envy of the ones my age, and missing out on being there to see the younger ones grow older.

What hit me the hardest about your post is the loss of hope. I was sole caretaker to my mother who died of lung cancer, and I watched how the disease steals hope from a person. A little at a time. Nefarious in its working. It petrifies me, for myself. (And...she and I discussed the bitterness's she told me she felt. I told her to forgive herself. Can I do the same for me?) Maybe you're strong enough not to feel it. Here's the thing, Kate2late. Even though I have step-grandchildren, I DESPERATELY miss not having children of my own. DESPERATELY. Even though it was probably a lost cause at my age, there was still the hope. (Look at all the male celebrities having kids in their 60's and 70's.) Prostate cancer has taken away that hope for good.

Here you are, at twenty-six, DESPERATE for a child and making the attempt at it. My god, I can only imagine your pain at your loss. On top of loss of hope for your life. Your post has made me feel even more ashamed at my self-absorbed thoughts. But also, I cannot stop the over-whelming thought of, sadness. Pure. Utter. To have a child leaves a legacy. To have a broken spirit as the only thing left in the world? Crushing. I know I might not have the right to say it to you, but, I'm sorry. I wish someone had the words for you. I can say, that at the very last, my mom was reconciled to her end. Forced on her, but a REAL reconciliation. Maybe it will be so for you. For all of us.