I am currently staying in hospital with my dad who could die any day. He was admitted to hospital on the 14th Feb after being found on his living room floor for 2 days. When blood tests came back it showed his kidneys working at 15%, they were shocked he wasn’t a dialysis patient. I’d seen him a month before he was admitted and my sister saw him the week before. He told me the last time I saw him he had managed to lose some more weight after being stuck and he put it down to walking his new dog. I remember noticing the weight

change but he was really chatty and happy so didn’t worry. My sister said he told her he had diarrhoea the week before he fell. He was so ill in hospital he couldn’t function. He was on different drips constantly, having scans, blood transfusions etc. The only thing they couldn’t do was a CT scan as the contrast could damage his kidneys further. They did do an ultrasound on his abdomen and noted there were ‘lesions’ on his kidneys. The doctors wouldn’t say any more until a CT was done. We started to worry when he wasn’t improving at all despite all efforts and we told the doctors there must be something else going on and obviously from the weight loss then admitting he’d felt weak and off food for a while they were concerned too. They did the CT without contrast 8 days after being admitted. We were called in the next day to have a ‘chat’ with a doctor. I went to see him first and just burst out crying at the sight of him, I just knew already but he looked so awful I couldn’t bear it. We got taken into the side room and told that my dad has liver metastasis and even without contrast it was clear the cancer was very advanced and all over his body. They couldn’t be sure where the primary was but possibly the bowel or pancreas. At that point we were told he was too far gone for a hospice, a DNAR would be issued and he would die at hospital. 6 days later we are still here. I have slept here most nights since we were told he was terminal as we were scared of him dying alone. There is only me and my sister who he has, his 2 sisters have visited a couple of times but they aren’t that close and wouldn’t care for him like us. My dad has always been afraid of dying and lost his mother 5 years ago which shocked him. My dad was always a big man, morbidly obese and now he is a bag of bones. His breathing changed dramatically last night and me and my sister sat for hours comforting him, he had apnea for 30 seconds at a time and only took about 6 proper breaths in between. I have been googling things constantly and looking for signs but one minute I think this is it he’s going and the next he starts rallying! He is now on the syringe driver but needing top ups all the time. His bottom skin is wearing away and causing him so much pain. He is confused most of the time and is horrible to us but I know his body is shutting down and it’s not him. He must have so many toxins in the blood from his kidney function etc he won’t know himself. I find myself going through so many emotions, fear, guilt, stress, devastation... I feel so guilty wishing it could be over and him be out of pain. I had to go home today to have a break as I was so moody from no sleep and no matter how many meds he was given the night before he just wouldn’t settle the night before so I pleaded with him to sleep so I could too. I’ve had a good sleep at home so I’ll be lying on the camp bed in his room today then my sister will take over tomorrow. I really don’t know when my life will be back to normal and not be living at a hospital! I already take medication for depression and I fear this will make me much worse as I already feel so down. I do want to be here so he doesn’t die alone but last night when I thought he was going I was terrified to see him take his last breath, I wanted to run away. I also am scared to see his body as this is so quick and unexpected I am not ready at all. We were never the closest father and daughter as my parents divorced when I was 9 and I saw him on weekends but I love him and nobody wants to lose a parent or see them in pain. Dying from cancer is the most horrible thing I have seen, I think he will fight to the end as he doesn’t want to die but he is beyond any hope I just want him out of pain and no more suffering for him.