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My dad is terminal and I feel lost and confused

Poppet89
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Hi, 

My dad is the most amazing, positive, happy and loving person in my life and I can't imagine what life will be like without him here. I have a big family but me and my dad are like two peas in a pod, we can sit in silence all afternoon and I feel so peaceful and content with him even if we don't fill the hours with conversation. 

He's always been an amazing grandad to my brother and sisters children and for years I couldn't wait until I could finally have a child so they could have him as a grandad too. After 3 difficult years that my parents supported me and my husband through my daughter was born. Her and my dad have an amazing relationship and his face lights up when he see's her. He makes her laugh more than anyone and crawls on the floor to play with her despite being seriously ill. I'm terrified that she will grow up and not remember what an amazing man her grandad is. I'll always tell her but I want her to remember and I'm devastated that the chance may have been taken away from her because of cancer. 

We were told in Feb that my dads kidney cancer had returned, it's now spread to his lungs, pelvis and lymph nodes. He's had radiotherapy and is on injections to strengthen his bones and attends regular scans to monitor the growth. We know he's terminal but they can't say how long he will be with us. I can see he's in pain but he tries not to show it, he has other health issues and it's hard to see his body give up when he has such determination to live. Why didn't doctors pick up the cancer earlier when something could have been done

At first my dad was certain he wouldn't die, that something would happen and he'd be cured. Recently he's said things that have made me realise that he's started to accept his fate. I don't feel ready to lose him, and can't imagine him not being here to hug me when I'm sad, make me smile or play with my daughter.

I feel such a mix of emotions and I'm not sure what to do with them or how to let them out. With my daughter being so young I look forward to her first Christmas, birthday, holiday ect but then it hits me that my dad may not be here to share in these moments. I feel like I'm grieving already when he's still here then feel so guilty. 

I'm sorry for the long post, I just had to get some of my confusing thoughts out.

  • Offline in reply to G93

    Hi Georgia,

    13 months is so fast If you don't mind me asking, what type of cancer did your dad have? I fear more than anything him struggling and panicking, I feel terrors for him so I can't bare to think how he feels. When I went to see my nan before she passed she too was struggling to breath and to get out of bed and it took along time to get the image out of my mind. I don't want something similar to happen where I can't imagine my dads happy face anymore. Did your dad know he was being sedated or was he too far gone then?

    Me and my sister talked before he was told it was terminal and I know at the time she feared it would be bad news, but since then everyone has avoided talking about it. I've asked my brother how he's feeling and he seemed normal and said he's fine. as a family we're just in denial. 

    I think that's a good idea, I might mention it to her and see what she thinks. My other idea was get lots of people to write her a letter (my grandparents ect) for her first birthday? Or is that just me being a chicken! 

    Thanks for your help and support xxx

  • Offline in reply to kittypink

    Hi kittypink,

    it sounds like your a bit of a creative wiz! How was your dad today? Xxx

  • Offline in reply to Poppet89

    Really not good today... very sleepy and couldn't talk. They hadn't been looking after his mouth care properly and he was quite dehydrated so I had to complain.. I just wish they could get him to a hospice where he would be comfortable xx

  • Offline in reply to kittypink

    Can you ask for him to be moved to your local hospice? I've read a lot of threads where people have said the care in hospices made their relatives much more comfortable. Stay strong xxx

  • Offline in reply to Poppet89

    Dad's been moved to a hospice finally but has started end stage breathing now... the sadness is so painful 

  • Offline in reply to kittypink

     

    Hi Kittypink,

    I am glad to hear that your Dad has finally been moved to a hospice and hope that they can make his end peaceful there. However, I am not so happy to hear about the end stage breathing.

    I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking and praying for you all.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Dad passed away yesterday afternoon... I am beyond heartbroken and completely lost. X

  • Offline in reply to kittypink

     

    Hi Kittypink,

    I am so sorry to hear this and I offer you and your family my sincere sympathy.Your Dad, like my Mum didn't have long in the hospice, but I do hope that he got the sort of treatment that you expected him to have there.

    It will take you some time to come to terms with his passing, particularly when you have all been so involved with him along his cancer journey.

    I am thinking of you all and trust that God will give you the strength to get through this upsetting time.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to kittypink

    Hi kittypink,

    On behalf of the Cancer Chat team I wanted to offer our heartfelt condolences for your loss. I hope you can find some solace and comfort in your beautiful art at this incredibly difficult time. 

    Thinking of you,

    Helen

    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Helen

    thank you so much! I like to think of dad tending the flowers in[[ ]] a magical garden.. I will always keep his memory alive in my doodles xxx

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