Hi Poppet,

It sounds as if you have worked things out fairly well. You have picked a good time to be pregnant and it must be great to be able to spend some quality time with your Dad. You have got the idea of how to best deal with a terminal illness. Instead of dwelling on the bigger picture, which is too much for any individual to cope with. You can make memories together, which will be so precious after he has passed, particularly when you have your photographs to illustrate the good times too.

Perhaps you could introduce the topic of writing a letter to your daughter in the third party? Maybe you could discuss whether there is anything in particular he would like to do before he passes and somewhere drop in to the conversation that some people like to write letters to those left behind? You could leave him to think about the idea and ask him directly a few days later.

It is always difficult for families when communication breaks down. It is so much easier when you can all discuss things together.

My Mum was a very private person. She was always terrified of dying and being buried alive. We solved that by cremating her. She gradually opened up as her illness progressed, but she sadly took a lot of secrets with her when she went.

I hope that the scan results look good next week.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

[[]]I am in exactly the same boat.. my Dad's cancer has spread right through his body and we have been told 3-6 months maximum but when I see how fast he's deteriorating I fear it's less and it's heartbreaking. Me and my Dad are like the cutest duo and I just can't imagine what I will do without him. I'm still drawing him pictures and don't think I'll ever stop even when he's left. I feel like you like I'm grieving even though he's still here and then I get into denial like it's all a bad dream. This is the hardest thing ever and I feel so lonely and lost x

Hi Poppet, 

This is undoubtedly a *** time that you're going through, I can only reinforce what the other lovely posters have been saying about writing a letter  (if he's still up to it) as that's a lush idea. I lost my dad in November last year from terminal cancer and had only wished I'd asked what he would like to do! Had he had the strength I know he would have loved to have done something like that. I know at this point it will be inevitable BUT it's all about quality not quantity, please, please spend time doing things which will enrich your families life. I know it's absolutely awful, but please know it gets a little easier as time goes by. I promise you and your family will get through this, and you will all be very much in my thoughts. If you have any questions give me a message and I'll do my best to give my time and support.

The very best of wishes,

Georgia xxxx

Hi Jolamine, 

Thank you for your reply.

Although I know the inevitable will happen, I'm not sure how to broach the subject with my dad. He's a very jokey person and although I think he's accepted he's dieing he says things in a humorous way to make light of things. So I'm a bit scared to just bring it up incase I upset him or if I get upset infront of him. I suppose talking about it makes it more real and that's what I'm scared of. 

I'm so sorry you lost your mum xxx

Hi Kittypink,

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Having a timescale put on must feel terrifying, I find it's difficult as the things you would look forward to like Christmas ect you now fear as the person you love may not be here. 

I think sometimes when your so close with someone you notice more of a decline because you pick up on small changes and difficulties that outsiders may not notice. Do you have other family members to help support you? 

Have you spoken to your dad about what's going to happen and how he feels? I wish I could but I'm just to scared incase I can't hold it in anymore, especially when I'm with him.

Its strange that you draw, my dad has always loved drawing and I've actually just started again, have you found it a good release for your stress an emotions? I'm not very good but I've found it's helped to do something creative. 

Its so confusing isn't it, feeling like your grieving when the person is still here. Like you, a lot of the time I'm ok and feel like I'm living in a bubble of denial, then something comes along and happens to burst it and the grief overwhelms me again. 

Dont feel alone, we can support each other through this. I've definitely found writing my thoughts on here has helped as atleast everything isn't just swirling in my brain. It also helps to know your not alone and the way your feeling is normal. X

Hi Georgia,

Thank you so much for your reply, reading it's made me a bit teary. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, had he been ill for long? 

If you don't mind me asking, did your dad pass at home, hospital or hospice? I know my dads spoke to my mum about what he wants but I'm not sure she will know how to cope when the time comes. Did you talk that type of thing through with your dad? My dads such a positive person and always has a laugh so I'm worried about talking to him about that sort of thing and I don't want my family to think I'm being overly morbid. I just like to know what's ahead so I can prepare myself but other times I just want to bury my head. 

i definitely would like him to write a letter but I'm just no sure how to broach the subject. 

Thank you for your support, if you ever need a chat I'm here xxx

Hi,

Aw I'm so sorry didn't want to make you feel worse! 

I'd say from finding out he had cancer and him passing was around 13 months. It was exceptionally aggressive  ( everyone is completely different and you will probably have much more time with your dad) we took him to live with his mam for a few months as he was getting so frustrated in hospital. Then when he got really sick we realised there was no choice but to put him in a hospice as he would be cared best there. Towards the end of his life he was kept sedated for the final few days as he struggles with everybody to get out the bed and wasn't all there. Can't even imagine what he was going through but it was sad to witness.

The fact your dad is still positive is so important and it's those times spent laughing together you'll remember most (oppose to him being depressed and rejecting visitors etc) so that's a good sign! But I understand you'd like him to know your thoughts and any reservations.

Personally we didn't bring it up, we just took everything day by day and made the most of the time we had left together, we knew he was going to die because as soon as he was sedated he wasn't going to come back round again. His decline was very quick and we all just sensed that time was running out so we didn't really want to bring it up with him or other members of family but I did speak to it in detail with my sister and I think that's the difference, it sounds like no one in your family wants to broach that subject which can be incredibly hard on yourself as you want to be communicative about it. 

Have you spoken to your mum about the letter? She might realise why it's so important to you and support you when you bring it up to your dad? 

Let me know how it goes, I'll have a think about how you might be able to subtly bring up the letter to your dad!  Xxx

I've always drawn for my dad! He's such an inspiration and our lfunny relationship and closeness has inspired so much of my art! Dad loves it and it always makes him smile. He must have a drawer full of the stuff. I find being creative really helps me.. I'm crocheting a sunflower wall hanging for him too even though we're obviously living day to day. He's rather confused and lost now so it's not really possible to talk to him about stuff but I'm visiting today and I'll just be there.. taking him this one today [[]]