Hi

I don't know where else to go as I'm trying to stay strong for my family. 

I'm female in my late 20s. My mum is my world. I'm disabled and mum had been my carer for my entire life until her cancer has made her so poorly. I still live at home with my dad and siblings. Mum's cancer is inoperable, but we have no idea how long we have left because it's a strange slow growing calicification within the body cavity pressing on the organs. Mum has had a recent scare where they found it has shut off her stomach, but they have stented that today and we are praying it has worked. The stent is at the exit so it's a rare place to put one, and the consultant has warned it often doesn't work. If it doesn't we have even less time but we wanted to try. Mum also has lots of health issues because of the cancer; it's destroyed one kidney, and the other is barely working. Mum has a thrombosis in her neck, that requires daily blood thinners....so many problems, if only love could glue her all back together :(

How do you let go? Mum keeps saying I must learn but there's so many things I still want to do with her. Mum has always wanted grandkids, but I don't even have a partner, neither do my siblings. Since Xmas mum has wanted another puppy, but I kept putting it off because I've been struggling so much physically and mentally lately with my own health and I know mum has been annoyed as it's her dream. Mum is in hospital and we are not even sure mum will make it home again after this scare. Mum says she's so tired and when at her poorliest she didn't want to be here anymore. 

I feel like the most selfish person on the planet. Mum is still so very poorly and I can't imagine living without her. So many things I want to ask, so many things I don't know as mum literally ran our house all our lives. I feel guilty as mum hasn't had the life she should have had (she's just into her 50s) and I cannot stop crying. I don't want to mention my own mental state fears as I want everyone to focus on mum and certainly don't want mum worrying about me. I'm trying to be positive saying mum will get better now, mum will be able to eat again; but mum is more....realistic? It's like a knife to my heart.

I love you so much mum, I just can't let you go :(