Hello Fighters,

I just wanted to say that today I am going to try to find a spot or two of joy. I am going to look for it, cherish it, share it.That is my goal for the next 3 months. After that my mom will no longer be here.

I am going to reach out to one friend and for five minutes truly answer the way I feel, just for today.

I feel guilty quite often for feeling the way I do. Desperately sad, panicked, exhausted, heart broken and dreading losing my dear mom.

I do not have cancer myself. However, my wonderul dad and my mom have both had cancer in the last two years. My dad died 18 months ago of lung cancer, very late stage when diagnosed. My mom has advanced head and neck cancer (no, she never smoked or drank alcohol) and she has chosen no more surgeries or treatments. it is killing me to see her go thru the grief of giving up her life and freedom. Her independence, Her becoming the child and me becoming the parent.

Just for today, I am going to allow myself to step into my own grief, to look for some joy, to be held by a friend. I can't imagine my life without my mom. My rock, friend and partner in mischief. But I will be here with her until the bloody end. No matter what, just like I was for my dad. That is what reat love does, feel s the pain and stays in the grief along side you.

My mom says she doesnt want to "burden me". That is so ironic to me, she could never, ever be a burden. It is my HONOR to walk thru this last path of her journey with her. When she closes her eyes for the last time, she will awake in the arms of a loving God. I can't understand why he lets such suffering exist, but i can feel His strength pulling me up each day.

May all of you find comfort and the strength to reach out for love.  Blessings from Boston, USA