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Callmeclaire
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I told myself I wouldn't read these forums because in the past it's made me worse but somehow I found myself here tonight. 

It's my mum's birthday today and her and dad have been treated by friends and colleagues to two nights away and they are having such a good time! But for some reason I'm sadder than I have been for a while. I haven't cried all that much recently but the flood gates have opened tonight. Which is strange as I've actually had a good day, the sun has been shining and I've had a day off work. I saw my councillor. Things have been good but sadness has hit me.

Mum has stage 4 cervical cancer, spread to her liver and her lungs and treatment was stopped in January. I live about 6 hours away from them but do go home as much as I can. She is superwoman. The most amazing and strongest lady I know! She always looks for positives and keeps me going. She said the other day that the past 8 months our lives have improved by 99% - we see each other more than we ever have, friends have been amazing, mum and dad moved house to their dream home - she isn't wrong, things are good despite this awful disease and the fact she can see positives is so so amazing. But seeing her so positive is so so hard, it makes me love her more than I can explain and knowing that she won't be here soon (we don't know how long) is unbearable. I feel like I've got to know her as an adult since the diagnosis. I'm 27 and I so badly want her to be around to see me get married and have children and to get to know her more as an adult. I can see my Mum in me more and more and we get on so well. But I know the reality is she won't be around. 

I keep trying to play in my head what might happen, how it might happen, almost as if to prepare myself but I know you can never prepare for this. 

I have a brother and a sister who are of course feeling similar and who also don't live at home. I'm the oldest so feel a little more responsible and like I've adopted the role of the strong one. It's not easy being strong all the time. And I worry about my dad and what he'll do and how he'll cope. They've been married 30 years this year.

Mum is a big believer everything happens for a reason, and perhaps this has taught us to not take things for granted but what a sh***y way to teach a lesson.

Thank you for reading. I just needed to vent, put some words down somewhere. Knowing I'm not the only one does provide some comfort, but doesn't make this any easier

X

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    Hiya, im so sorry for what you are going through, i just very recently lost my mum and we only had her funeral yesterday, she was only diagnosed and givenot 4-6weeks on the 7th February and passed away on the 10th February, its very hard to come to terms with and see as reality but somehow I have to. 

    Cancer is an awful disease but you have to make the most of everyday, txt her everyday, take photos with her and make a video with her or just of fun times so u can hear her voice it will help u later on. I gotyunderstand to make a video the day before she passed away and she spoke about how happy their life was and for him to look after himself, it was so hard to do but it has helped him massively and he has stayed strong because of it seeing how brave and strong she was in the face of death, its amazing to watch and see her look so at ease with what was happening. 

    Stay strong and enjoy your time, unfortunately time is the on your side when a lived one has a disease but you do still have time so cherish it and make every day count xxx

  • Offline in reply to Zoe.G

    Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so so sorry to hear what you and your family have gone through. I have learned this over the past 8 months... we have learned to cope with every step along the way, despite thinking we wouldn't be able to, so I know somehow we will all find the strength from somewhere.

    I talk to her every day, text her all the time, video call and just try to soak up as much of her as I can. And she tells me she appreciates but it just comes to totally naturally to me.

    It worries me having so much of my Mum on my phone... if that makes sense? I have so many photos and messages that I feel like I'll constantly be reminded which is a great thing but also makes me wonder if it makes it harder? I don't know. I'm in overthink mode tonight, generally I manage to be present and not get too carried away but tonight has been hard for some reason.

    Thank you for taking the time to respond. I hope you're okay and happy to chat if you need it x

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