Hi everyone
This is my first post here, I think I just need to speak to people outside of the family, or just get things out and off my chest.
I feel like I am drowning each day
My father had not been himself for the better part of a year, a while ago he lost the feeling in his right hand, he could move it, but he could no longer control his grip or coordination.
The hospital and doctors could not find anything wrong ands there was no sense of urgency or concern.
Months later they mentioned he probably had a minor stroke and it was what it was.
He slipped into a bit of depression and became more introverted, also lost his appetite.
Come Christmas 2016, I awoke to strange voices in the hallway at 2am, it was the paramedics, my mother had called an ambulance because he was fitting, but only in his right arm, they took him and her to hospital and kept him in for a few days, stating everything from epilepsy ( which he's never suffered from) to alcohol abuse, to just generally being run down. They prescribed lamotrigine and sent him home.
The next day he was drowsy and jaundiced, they had given him a much higher dose than required, what followed was a constant back and fourth between home and a&e before finally being admitted to a ward 2 were later.
The next day I got a phone call at work with the worst news and the word which made time stop... Cancer.
The next few days were a whirlwind, he was sent to ICU which was distressing to see, he was barely conscious, he wasn't eating or drinking.
They said he had cancer, then said it was a mass in his bile duct, then it was liver failure and kidney failure, the prognosis changed hourly and it thrust me from immense sadness, to false hope and to anger at the constant changes.
They then moved him to another ward where he was awake , but completely enveloped in a dream world, talking to people that weren't there and acting out things that were not happening ( he kept telling me to be careful, as the van was tipping over).
After weeks of being in and out of reality the hospital referred him to a liver and kidney specialist hospital in the UK ( we live on the isle of man) he lasted there 2 nights, he was just to weak to have anything done and the move was traumatic.
They were surprised he was even sent as there as he was so weak, hadn't eaten or drank for weeks and there was simply nothing they could do.
They sent him back the next day.
We all rushed to the hospital and sat with him, he was asking repeatedly if he was home ( he had already said he wanted to die and we knew he would hate being away from his home land) I sat with him and he called out my name a few times, then the hospital decided to move him to hospice.
He's been there since Friday and each day more and more of my dad slips away, he's asleep and completely comatose, the doctor said she was surprised he's still here this morning.
Its killing me inside, some days I feel numb, other days I feel angry at how everything was handled by the hospital, and sometimes I just sit alone and wail for my father.
I wish for it to end for him so he can be at peace, but I also don't want to let go, I will never hear him speak again as at this point, because just not going to wake up and this is one of the hardest things to get my head around, its not real as he just looks like he's sleeping and could wake up any moment.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just hurting and lost and just needed somewhere to let it all out.
I hope he can let go soon as he's hanging on , he has such a strong heart .
