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My Husbands mum has recently been diagnosed stage 4 :/

farmer1985
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Good Afternoon.

My husbands mum is 60, and was recently been admitted to hospital with suspected stroke, after an MRI was done, this found that she has infact got metastasis in her lungs, liver, spine and lymph nodes and possible brain mets. (no primary found)  and no previous symptoms however 5weeks ago she was fit and healthy, running a business at home for 20years.

she is now completely confused, unable to have a conversation and delerius. she has progressed very quickly and it has been a very big shock, to think that 5weeks ago there were no symptoms at all. She also hasnt received the best treatment possible since being admitted which has made the situation worse as tests have been delayed which I think maybe has made it so that treatment is now not an option.

We are told now that they will just be making her comfortable and trying to get her home for palliative care.

I previously trained as a peadiatric nurse, so I am quite medically minded and find it easier to look for practical solutions, treatments and question medical car, but im finding it difficult to comfort my husband other than obviously lots of hugs. Im not the best person at dealing with these situations, I dont deal with my own emotions well and Im not really a 'talker' when it comes to feelings.

I'm finding it challenging to know what to say to him.  He is being very strong for his Sister and their Father who is 82 but I want to be able make him feel better when he comes home after visiting the hospital.  I dont even know if that is possible but when he says to me 'I dont want my mum to die' I am completely stumped. What can you say to that? I dont want to patronise him.  I cant even begin to imagine how he feels and I feel terrible that I cant fix it for him and nothing I say seems to be right. He wants me to be positive and bright and bubbly , but I dont know how to find anything positive about the situation.  

He also hasnt really cried or shown much emotion, well not at home anyway, maybe he does this when he is on his own, but I hate to think of him feeling like he has to hide his sadness. Because of the lesions found in the brain (suspected infection/mets)  she hasnt been herself now for 4weeks. she is talking about people that are no longer here and telling us things that havnt happened but she thinks are real, she doesnt know where she is. literally like she has developed dementia in 4weeks but it has stripped everyone of the opportunity to communicate with her, explain anything and even say goodbye. all of the important conversations you would think youd get to have before you lose someone you love.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, things that I can say to him that will show him I am there or offer him some sort of comfort. I just think if I was in the same situation I know I would be a total mess, and I doubt anyone could say anything to me that would help but It is my job to be there for him and help him get through this and I feel like I am letting him down. :(

Sorry to go on, I dont want him to look back in a years time and think I wasnt there for him and didnt make this situation any easier.

Thanks Helen

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    sorry to hear that.

    have they said how long they expect her to live at all?

  • Offline in reply to jack2015

     

    At the last discussion they said its now weeks rather than months however shes now been in the hospital 34days. They have since had liver biopsy results which they were hoping would show a primary but this hasnt picked it up so im not sure if that alters anything. Theyve said today that they dont think doing another biopsy will benefit her so they are trying to organise getting her home. :/

  • Offline in reply to farmer1985

    I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.

    Sadly, i don't think there is anything you can say. Simply by being there for him, offering hugs and listening when he does want to talk about it, he will know you love and support him. I am not an overly emotional person and i prefer to process things internally, i am not a fan when people want to talk things over time and time again as i like to solve a problem rather than talk about it. Is your husband anything like this? My other thought is that by wanting you to be bright and bubbly, it is his way of saying that with him trying to be strong for his sister and father, he doesn't think he has the strength to be strong for you too and he would prefer his time with you to be a bit of an escape and remind him that there is still joy in the world? But i understand that  being happy is not possible for you, as you share his pain. You love him so couldn't possible let him down. Just give him time to process and he will tell you what he needs are (hopefully).

    Have you discussed the practicalities with him, will he need to go and help care for his mum or would he like you to help. Personally i find that men like to deal with their feelings by focusing on the pracitical aspects and this is defintely something you can help with.

    My thoughts are with you during this impossible time. If you ever need someone to listen to you vent, i am happy to listen. Your husband is lucky to have a wife who loves him so much and i bet he knows it too. xx

  • Offline in reply to manicomio1208

    it's good they are trying to get her home, rather than to the Hospice?

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