my dad is 48 years old and was diagnosed with stage 3 esophageal/stomach cancer (T3N1) in 2015, undergoing an esophagectomy later that year. I am an adult and do not live at home, nor do I have the ability to visit often, so I feel in some ways I may have a better "outsider" perspective than the rest of my family.
since the esophagectomy, dad's quality of life has not improved; in many ways, I feel it has worsened. he is severely underweight and coping constantly with things like lack of appetite, fatigue, naseau, severe pain, and heartburn since. he looks and feels like a skeleton. last time i saw him he took two small (child-sized) bites of a sandwich, threw up, and laid on the couch in agony trying to recover. the doctor has said that my dad is so underweight that even something like the flu could put him in the ICU.
recently they found an issue in his colon that will require a resectioning surgery. the pet scan was inconclusive as to whether this was the cancer or another issue. dad was reluctant to do the surgery until the surgeon basically told him it was this or death.
I have watched his physical strength wane, and I have now begun to see his will to fight and live fading. he seems at peace with whatever may come and has decided he can say "no" to things - like treatments or tests. I know when both the body and mind are throwing in the towel, it is time to prepare yourself. i have only recently come to realize these - it has always been in the back of my mind, but the changes - the "giving up" - has started in the last few months. I feel like I am already grieving - "anticipatory grief" - but the rest of my family doesn't seem to be doing that. they don't talk about it and won't even discuss the possibility that dad may not make it through this.
I feel very alone in my grief... then I wonder if I'm wrong to grieve at all. given the above, does this seem like a reasonable response?? I know no one can give me a definitive answer, but I've not been given a chance to talk to the doctors, see results, etc. so all I'm able to base my feelings on is instinct, what I've seen, and what my mom has said. my husband - even more of an "outsider" in this situation than I am - fully agrees and feels we should be hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
I guess I just want to know - is this normal? is this reasonable?
