Hello :-) 

I'm really sorry to read that your older brother has terminal cancer. When was he first diagnosed? Does he have a family of his own? He's so young, it's truly awful how many of us are affected by the 'C' word! Congratulations on your new baby, I bet it's really hard as you're trying to enjoy your new little bundle but then also dealing with this devastation. 

I'm 27, I'm on here because my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 incurable bowel cancer which has spread to his lungs and liver. Was diagnosed April 2015. The worst day of my life..so far! It feels so surreal, like it's not happening to you...like it's some sort of dream. Like you, I'd never really known anyone to have cancer and those who did were treated and cured. So I thought that would be the case for my dad, but he won't ever get better. I've had to face up to that realisation and I think it's helped me cope rather than be in denial. The best way of coping is by facing the truth however much it hurts, taking each day as it comes, plan things with your brother if possible and create some memories. As hard as things may be, the best thing to do is be positive around him. Positivity really helps cancer patients as it gives them the strength to fight and not give up. I believe that our positivity as a family has helped my dad a lot. We don't treat him any different as such, we just enjoy spending time together as life's far too short. I think I must of cried nearly every day for about 6 months after my dad's diagnosis. Then the tears gradually slowed down and it's turned into this strength I didn't realise I even had.

Hi Siobhan,

That sounds an awful situation to be facing. Have your brother's team given any idea of how long he may have? Has anyone discussed the option of cyber knife surgery on his liver? I ask because a friend had this and it prolonged her life by a couple of years. It may be that his liver is too far gone for this to be an option but it would be worth asking.

As for the emotional aspect, we all deal with it in our own ways and at different speeds. It sounds like you are out of denial and that can be a lonely place when the rest of a family are refusing to face reality.

Have you had chance to talk to your brother in private? It may be that he is in the same place as you and would appreciate talking to someone who isn't in denial. When my Mum was told she was terminal there was a period when only her, me and my Dad were able to discuss it as the rest of the family were refusing to accept the new reality. We all got there in the end, but it took time. She fought her cancer for several years and never gave up, but she surprised everyone by how realistic she was about things. I've been lucky as my own family has been more or less at the same stage throughout my own cancer journey.

The hardest thing in all this is getting a balance between being positive and being realistic. Denial and false hope can lead to decisions that we come to regret, but so can being negative and life is too short to waste. The last thing anyone with cancer wants is to be surrounded by people who are being miserable and negative, but neither do we want to have to deal with people constantly telling us that "everything will be alright" when we know damned well that it isn't. . 

Best wishes
Dave 

Thankyou for taking the time to reply davek means a lot! 

They have givin him 6 months if that:( 

they have offered chemo and taste not sure how you spell it he's had one round of taste which he had to be awake for, they shoot chemo right direct at the tumor it's probably more complicated than I have explained but they said he would have %10 chance of survival and he made it with flying colours he was then in hospital when they had givin him morphine for the pain and he lost his mind he didn't know who we was didn't know who my mum was was having trouble staying on the ward always trying to escape shouting and irrational outbursts that lasted 3 days and then my mum decided to take action banning him from the morphine.. my brother came to a decision in the hospital to have no more treatment they offer as he feels it's only killing him..

as a family we stood right by his decision and did what makes him feel safe as he is the real victim in all of this! 

He's doing well on his holistic approach so much better than when he was in hospital I was happy if he made it to Christmas and he has but I feel like I can't cope with it all it's all so overwhelming and crying is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm not forgetting about him at this hard time 

no I've not had a one to one chat with my brother he has changed in a way that is so hard for me to open up to him, 

he is very quiet now and reserved I am always smiling round him because it's not me who should be sad:/ 

sorry to hear about your mum that's a tough one I hope you have found peace at this tough time!  

You are right about my family being in denial and to be honest I am somedays I truly believe that he will pull through this but sometimes cancer says otherwise :( 

thankyou again means a lot to me talking about it really get things of my chest because I really do feel like I have nobody to talk to 

Oh that's so sad that he's got a little baby too :-( must be so hard for him. Gosh your poor brothers been through the works hasn't he. So much to deal with so young. I don't know why these things happen and it only ever seems to happy to kind, lovely people with so much you give and live for. It's so desperately unfair! There's a lot of worry and stress within your family and emotions are heightened. Your brother is your mum's baby so she will try and do anything to help him because her approach is probably 'I might as well do something rather than nothing.' It can be really hard on the whole family, we are just as much affected as the patient is. It's important to find someone you can talk to even just on here because it really does help. I felt so alone when my dad was diagnosed but I realised I'm not alone as this affects so many people. You'll have good and bad days, it's to be expected. But you're never alone on here, even if you just want to say how you're feeling or to have a rant.  

Feel free to msg me whenever you like x 

Hi Siobhan

This is a very tough time where you have a lot of people to care for and about in all sorts of ways.

My lovely, kind mum is dying - she has days left to live. We've been on this journey since last May with no hope ever of recovery, just a vague hope of improvement that never really happened. Mum is the second close family member to die this way in two years. That makes it hard, but it also means I know I will cope.

As Dave says, it's about finding a balance between facing realities and remaining as positive as you can. It is hard, but it IS possible and we each find our own way, at least some of the time. But we probably all fail totally sometimes too. So don't be too hard on yourself or other people.

It is hard seeing someone you love changed by morphine, or changed by disease progression. I have sobbed on the floor of hospital rooms. I have been unable to stop tears pouring down my face at railway stations. I have marched at full speed across fields, I've hugged the cat and had endless cups of tea in the garden while my hens peck my feet. I've scrubbed out my cupboards and spent hours at work over the holidays to avoid thinking. I've cried all over my kids. I've been exhausted every evening by 6pm, sometimes 3pm. But I've taken increased pleasure in small things - seeing a spring flower, watching children play, talking to a stranger. I am dealing with it. This is my way. You will find yours.

Watch your baby grow and learn, and take all the pleasure from it you can. Laugh with your friends or your family - don't feel guilty about living and about being OK for a few moments, or about making a snotty mess on their shoulders. That's how we survive. Sometimes stupid stuff will suddenly make you cry, but equally odd little things may give you comfort. Take what comes without judging it or overthinking it. Live in the day, the hour, the minute if you need to and don't spend too long worrying about the what ifs, buts and maybes of the future or how well you feel you are or aren't coping, or what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' be doing or feeling. Every minute can be a new start if it needs to be.

We have a mantra in our house - Let's not think about that anymore today. We'll think about that tomorrow.

Very useful sometimes.

This is grief and we progress through stages - anger, disbelief, guilt, blame, sadness. It's all normal, whatever the order.

I find it hard when people ask how my mum is, so I say, 'Dying,' because I don't really want to have to list the misery.  But some people seem to struggle with that so I just pull a face now and mostly that does. I don't talk about it much except to my husband. He goes off and talks to other people to help himself deal with my outpourings - and so it gets diluted. I guess that's what this forum is for. Trouble is, it's hard online for you to see us listening. But we are.

There are so many people you love who are hurt by what is going on and you probably want to protect all of them. But they will each find their own way. Don't be hard on yourself. If you cry, so what? Your baby will know you love him by the way you hold him when you cry. Clever little beggars! They know when they are giving comfort.

Peace? Overrated. Overstated. I get it when I'm asleep. I sleep as much as possible. I'm not sure you can really find peace when you are living on the edge. Distraction is maybe something to aim for at the moment? One step at a time.

Have a great big hug.