What an awful time you've had in the last few years! Devastating to lose your husband especially if it was sudden and unexpected. Good to know that you have lots of support. I know that after my husband died the days were incredibly long and hard to fill. I hope you've got past that stage. Also I was so angry. Spent a lot of time screaming at him when alone in the car, and still occasionally do it now, usually when I would appreciate moral support for something. 

Kind regards

Hi again. I know how you feel about screaming. I feel like that and I haven't moved on that much recently. I feel angry that I won't have any retirement time with my husband but also recognise that others lose their partner a much younger age. It's not easy and it's only when you are walking the walk do you truly know what it's like to have a cancer diagnosis. I think we do tend to try and protect our children from our pain and anxiety because we don't want to hurt them any more than is needed. When my sister died she had not fully explained her condition to her children and although nearly six years from her death they still struggle with having not known what was happening to their mother. We never seem to get it right. I think you seem very strong and indeed brave in how you are handling your situation. Is there nothing which can be done at all. Is there no trial available to help you.

Hi JustJ,

We should form a club of people with cancer who accept it and don't get very emotional about it. When first diagnosed I started getting frustrated with people who expected me to "open up" and "share" what I was feeling. I was angry about the diagnosis (especially as I never smoked and had always eaten fairly wisely) but I just wasn't prepared to invent and share feelings of emotional devastation which I genuinely wasn't experiencing.

My online friend Max56 who died last year had a similar attitude and was a good role model. She fought tooth and nail to prolong her life for the sake of her family, but she was very pragmatic about what the inevitable outcome was going to be. Quite often the person with cancer acts as a source of emotional support for their friends and family - which is weird when you think about it. 

We all experience and deal with the impact of a cancer diagnosis in our own way and at our own pace. There is no right or wrong way to go about this and many of us object to being pigeon-holed by others who expect us to react in a certain way by well-meaning people.

All the best
Dave 

Hi Dave, so glad to find someone in the same situation as me. I think one of the most frustrating things that other people say is that they're sure that I'm not going to die. I realise they say this to reassure themselves, but if I'm realistic then why can't they be. It doesn't help me when something like that is said.Aaarg!!

The other thing is when friends and family start talking about places they are going to or have visited. I've always loved travelling but there are a lot of places I haven't and won't be able to go to. Now I look as if I'm being sorry for myself. I'm not, I just wish that occasionally people would think about the impact of the conversation on me.

i think the only thing that makes me feel really emotional is my young grandchildren that I adore and I won't see grow up. I see them often which is great.

tell me about your story

JustJ

Hi JustJ,

In my crueller moments I have been known to say "we're all going to die, so stop telling me that I'm not, I am and it will be before my time!" Knowing that I will probably never meet my grandchildren (assuming we ever have any) is a bitter thing to cope with too.  

Some people can't cope with gaps in conversation, so they fill the gap with whatever comes into their heads - often immediately regretting it but not wanting to stop in case that causes upset. When my Mum had cancer, she used it as an excuse for bad manners after decades of saying the right thing! She could be quite witty and cutting with it saying things like "I don't want to hear about Greece, it's not as if I'll ever be able to go there now, is it?" I'm not recommending this approach, but it was so funny at the time!

If you click on my Username, it will take you to a brief biography and my own cancer story. I'm in a strange position as I have incurable, inoperable, Stage 4 Cancer of the Oesophagus with mets in distant parts of my body but for some reason after chemo the primary and secondaries shrank and stopped growing. No-one knows why, or when they will start to grow again. All my oncologist will say is that it is just a matter of time before it grows again. At times it feels like I've stood in front of a firing squad heard the officer give the order to fire but none of the guns worked, so they're all being reloaded for a second attempt. I'm having regular CT scans and living with the knowledge that I still have stage 4 cancer and that it will get me sooner or later.  

Sorry to ramble on! 
Dave

Hi, have you asked about new drug treatments, try it please, I lived with my wife through her cancer, every day she left me bit by bit, it is only 3 months since my baby passed away, I wanted to give her one of my lings, she said she would not make it throught the operatin, I really trully miss her, it hurts to think such a sweet person could have that nasty disease, I feel for you honestly.