Hi Afy,

In that case, I shall make it my business to haul everyone out of their personal areas of grief and find reasons to come together more for some shared experiences. That'll be a job and a half, we're all introverts apart from one daughter and I'm probably the biggest introvert of all. Time for a change, maybe. 

Thank you very much for replying, you've helped much more than you realise.

I hope you get through Thursday's diagnosis OK and the days following.

Hi Christina,

That's a tough one to answer.

I'm in a similar situation to you and can only offer some practical tips. I was diagnosed in October 2013 and told I might not see that Christmas, so Christmas is a bit of a challenging time each year that passes. 

The first thing I did was check that my Will and life insurance details were up to date and that my wife and son knew were to find them. It sounds obvious, but so many people don't do this and it can cause your family hassle when you do eventually pop your clogs. I've also made sure that they know my views about being resuscitated in the event of me becoming very seriously ill. I didn't make a song and dance about this and we had the conversation while I was still physically well. These are all things we should do whether or not we have cancer, but we so often put them off as no-one likes to think about their own mortality.

All you can really do for your family is be honest with them about your feelings and encourage them to be honest with you. There is a real risk that families leave things unsaid for too long and get into the habit of pretending that everything is rosey to each other when you're all on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That said, try not to dwell on cancer for too long or you risk despair. 

This may sound harsh but we have a choice between waiting for the inevitable to happen and counting every minute that passes, or grabbing life by the throat and making the most of what time we do have.

We've had more holidays since I was diagnosed than we ever had before, making new memories of shared experiences. You don't need to go anywhere exotic (but if you can afford it why not) so long as it gets you out and about, visiting new places and enjoying life as best as you can with more to occupy your mind than wondering how long you have left on this planet. 

You didn't ask to have cancer, so try not to blame yourself for the impact that your illness is having on your loved ones. I know this isn't easy and we all feel guilty about this from time to time but we need to put it into context and remind ourselves that none of this is our fault. It IS extremely unfair and we have a right to be angry about the *** hand that life has dealt us. 

As well as having cancer myself, I lost my Mum to it and have seen this from both sides. She was a very practical woman and took some courageous decisions along the way. She also did a lot of things she had always wanted to do, visited family abroad while she still able to, moved house and took control over the type of end she wanted. Not a bad role model really.

I hope this has answered some of your questions and that this post might prompt others to join in.

Best wishes

Dave

PS scuba diving is one thing I had always wanted to try but I didn't get round to until I had cancer. 

Hi Dave,

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.

Me and my husband made our wills when I found out, so at least that is sorted. Next thing I want to do is the power of attorney but it's a bit expensive so we'll wait a bit before we do that as money is tight right now since I am no longer working.

I'm gearing myself up to do one of those "advance directive" things and log it with my medical professionals.

It's silly really, I agree with everything you say and I tell myself that every day but for a while, I was almost scared to MAKE those good memories because I think something in me thought it would be even harder for them to cope when it all stopped. I almost limited too much contact with everyone for a while, as if I was trying to get everyone used to me not being there!  I've been having pre-bereavement counselling through my hospice and I've been able to work that one out in my head now and I don't do that any more - though there are days when I DO need to be with just me, myself, and I    :)

I'm not sure I will ever be able to really rid myself of the guilt and sadness even though the sensible part of my brain understands this is none of my doing. I actually did do one of the things I'd always wondered about but never tried. I mentioned to my hubby how I'd always wondered what it was like to ride a big motorbike as I love the sound of the "real" bikes like the Triumph Bonnevilles and the Harley Davidsons - and it turned out he knew a guy with a Harley Davidson who took me out for a ride on his bike - was awesome! I don't have a formal bucket list but that would have been on it :)

Time to put our family thinking heads on maybe, and try to think up cheep and cheerful things we can do together.

I do know one of the "courageous" decisions I may well make along the way will be the best time to end treatments. On the one hand, that decision may be made for me when it all stops working but on the other hand, I've already learnt enough about myself to know that when the treatment starts making my life feel truly miserable, I'd rather stop than keep going. Have talked that over with my hubby and he understands and has said he won't fight that if we get to that place.

Strange times :)

Christina

Hi Christina, I'm so sorry to read your diagnosis. I lost my dad 3 days after his diagnosis and there was a few things that could of made things easier.  There wasn't a will which created extra pressure at an already sad time. He never expressed whether he wanted to be buried or cremated, but then he'd hidden his illness from us and was probably in denial also. The biggest personal thing for me was him not asking me to look after my mum. I spent weeks looking for a letter from him just asking me to do that.   I would of liked a little personal letter to me saying he loved me and to look after my mum. I'm not sure if this is because he passed so suddenly that there was still so much unsaid. Like you described my dad had pushed us away in the months leading up to his illness and became very distant. It's always nice to have videos and photos to look back on of our life with our loved ones. Take care x

What if living like its your last days with someone are actually your last days with someone and the emotion takes over and ruins it all? I'm in a difficult situation right now and dont know if I'm strong enough to hold it together around my mum and am scared to go and see her. Especially when it comes to taking my daughter to see her and she wont see her growing up etc.

I would highly reccomend that you go see your mum, even if you can't hold it together. Otherwise you will always regret not doing so.

You really do have to take it a bit at a time, and try to remain upbeat. It all one can do.

Hello Christina, I am currently looking after my father who has terminal lung cancer, Dad was diagnosed couple of years ago and has under gone radio treatment beginning of the year but, over the past two weeks has taken a serious downturn and has deteriorated to being bed ridden.  We are now just managing his pain and keeping him as comfortable as we can.

I am writing to let you know that those around you, your family and friends will come to terms with the fact you have cancer and will do all they can to help you.  I am not angry at my dad for having cancer I am angry at the cancer itself and work to stop it from making his remaining days a misery.

After all my father has done for me in the past it is little in return for me to help him now.  Would not have it any other way, yes it is sometimes upsetting, I would have it no otyher way.  Other people such as Marie Curie nurses are a great help to us all.

So I would say enjoy your time with your family whilst you can don`t worry about them too much they will be there for you and do all they can to help you when the time comes.

I don`t see my father as a burden it is important that you try not feel that way either, its not your fault and they will understand that.

Take care and God Bless.

Hi Christina,

I agree with Iggy_S, I would never feel angry with my Dad for having cancer. I'm angry with the cancer and what it's doing to him.

Knowing my Dad has a terminal diagnosis is hard as I often feel so hopeless. There is nothing I can do to make it better. From my own perspective, I just want to know what I can do to help. I would say be honest to your family about what support you want from them. 

And whilst your relationship with your children will be different to the one I have with my dad, I personally want to be reassured that he's proud of me and where I've got to in life. A lot of my anger comes from the fact he had only been retired a couple of weeks (at the age of 66) when he received his stage 4 diagnosis. He's been such a dedicated family man all his adult life and this was supposed to be his golden years. The only reason he didn't retire earlier was to build up a big enough pension to enjoy his retirement and now he's only going to have a year or two. In a way, I feel guilty that he's done so much for me and I've taken so much but been able to give so little back. But I'm sure if I told him that he would say that's his role as a father. I think it's just taking the time to have these conversations to gain closure and comfort.

Rachel x