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:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

Gemini39
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I'm so dreading Christmas & new year is this going to be last one I will I spend with my mother. Wish I had magic wand to change way things turned out . God it hurts like hell knowing one day my mother wouldn't be here no more nothing makes any sense. My mother had hospital appointment  Friday.she on pain relief and they going to put things in the house and bath for here to make it more easy for here . Is so upsetting to watch someone you love in pain. I went to see here Thursday and she wasn't here self I asked her is everything ok she looked at me and I so it in here eyes it was like scared fear I can't explain it she told me she was depressed. Seeing my mother cry killed me I cried as well I never seen my mother cry all what she been through. I'm hurting so much while I'm typing this the tears are rolling down my face I feel like I can't talk to no one  in my family even my partner so I keep bottlng in up I feel like i need to talk to someone but how . It so hard people say you got be strong it's so hard to be strong when someone you love going through this . I feel like everyone going on with life I'm just stuck I really don't know what do I'm doing all these things what you suppose to do and I still feel heart broken I really not dealing with this I'm trying but it's hard . Then my sister told me something that I shouldn't know and it's eating me up I don't know what to do about it . I really struggling with what going on I feel so angry upset all the things you suppose feel it's night mere I really don't want my mother to die I love here so much she my world words can't explain how much I love my mother it's so hard . My mother know how much I love here but I think that not enough I should be doing more but how . Wish everything was how they where we was so happy but now this is destroying us all . :(

  • Offline in reply to jules54

    Thanks so much jules 4 answering my mother still haven had no help . She stuggling 2 get out bed we got 2 help her . My mother seems 2 be going down hill slowly since she been on morphine she sleeping more than usual and she so confused and not eating so much. I was with my mother Tuesday and she reminds me so much of my gran b4 she passed im real stuggling at the moment. Watching Someone u love dying from cancer is ther hardest thing I ever going do . My mother can't use her mobile phone now because she shakes so I miss my txt I can't phone her because she always sleeping :( so my nice went 2 see her yesterday so I txt her she said the same about  my mother she looked so ill and confused since she on morphin :( I know in my heart my mother haven got long but I try 2 block it out this is so hard I really wish I had magic wand :( as I right this the tears are rolling down my face god this hurts so much :( just had txt of my niece she up my mothers with my sister and my mother ok I be going up there later it's so hard I just don't want 2 lose my mother she means everything 2 me . I feel so alone and scared I'm 40 years of age and still need my mother it doesn't matter how old u are losing someone so close 2 u  it's so hard :( my heart is so broken I love my mother more than anything in the world :( so sorry 4 rambling this hurts so much :(  :(  :( 

  • Offline in reply to Gemini39

    Hi Gemini.

    Sorry to read about your dear motherslowly getting worse. You were so right when you said it is probably the hardest thing watching someone you love slowly deteriate. I do feel for you. I could turn you a wand on my lathe But I lack the ability to make it a magic one. When my own mother was going downhill I suffered such a mix of emotions. Part of me wanting her to keep fighting but at the same time part of me not wanting her to suffer anymore. She put up one heck of a fight which made me very proud of herespecially as she never complained.

    I am thinking of you. sending kind thougts to you, Brian.

  • Offline in reply to Gemini39

    Hi Gemini

    Sadly your post will ring true with so many of us who have lost our loved ones. It is a very hard journey to take and I remember well how I felt when my hubby was struggling.  I am sure it will not only be the morphine but also her illness progressing as this is how it was for us too.   The only comfort I drew from his sleeping more was that he was not in pain and so the morphine was doing it's job in that respect.  It is helpful that you have other family members who are able to pop in to see her and this helps keep you in touch with how things are. My hubby was too weak to get out of bed and was far more comfortable staying put so we had the bed in the lounge so he could watch tv and nod off when he wanted to. .  Am keeping you in my thoughts and you can ramble any time you like; we are here to listen.  Jules x

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