I'm so dreading Christmas & new year is this going to be last one I will I spend with my mother. Wish I had magic wand to change way things turned out . God it hurts like hell knowing one day my mother wouldn't be here no more nothing makes any sense. My mother had hospital appointment Friday.she on pain relief and they going to put things in the house and bath for here to make it more easy for here . Is so upsetting to watch someone you love in pain. I went to see here Thursday and she wasn't here self I asked her is everything ok she looked at me and I so it in here eyes it was like scared fear I can't explain it she told me she was depressed. Seeing my mother cry killed me I cried as well I never seen my mother cry all what she been through. I'm hurting so much while I'm typing this the tears are rolling down my face I feel like I can't talk to no one in my family even my partner so I keep bottlng in up I feel like i need to talk to someone but how . It so hard people say you got be strong it's so hard to be strong when someone you love going through this . I feel like everyone going on with life I'm just stuck I really don't know what do I'm doing all these things what you suppose to do and I still feel heart broken I really not dealing with this I'm trying but it's hard . Then my sister told me something that I shouldn't know and it's eating me up I don't know what to do about it . I really struggling with what going on I feel so angry upset all the things you suppose feel it's night mere I really don't want my mother to die I love here so much she my world words can't explain how much I love my mother it's so hard . My mother know how much I love here but I think that not enough I should be doing more but how . Wish everything was how they where we was so happy but now this is destroying us all . :(