Hi Emily

As you know I lost my lovely Dad at the weekend, don't punish yourself for absolutely anything, none of us know what it's like to be in that end stage and what the mind goes through.

I agonised over whether or not to see my Dad when the end started approaching fast, he had vehemently kept me away suring the cancer as he didn't want me to see him go through it and at the end I had to decide whether to risk upsetting him and putting him into any distress, I decided against it especially as I hadn't seen his rapid deterioration and wouldn't be prepared for what I was warned was a major change in his appearance.

It's awful, you feel desperate for a guidance as to what it the right or wrong thing to do and there is no one to give it because our mums/dad's partners are too busy trying to deal with everything themselves.

I was desperate for some one to tell me what I should I shouldn't do and what my DAd's mental state could cope with. There's no practice run for something like this is there xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hi emily, that was a good idea, and a lovely thing to do,   maybe that was her way of asking you to go there,    hes asking for someone, anyone,  were her words....maybe she needs your help, or its you hes confused and wants to see now after the e mail....its not going to be easy, my heart goes out to you.:)

Hi JoyfulofJourney,

No, I didn't take it the wrong way at all. The end is near... he is now sleeping most of the time, not swallowing and is reaching out for things that aren't there. I know it's days now. So sad... 

Hi cococat - thank you so much for your support. She's now calmed a bit and seems to appreciate my note. But it's not long now - he's seeing things that aren't there and not swallowing any more. Doctors are saying 'any day now'. So sad.

Hi Jules,

I'm still feeling for you at the moment too - and I will be in your place before too long. The doctors are now saying 'any day' and he may not make it into the weekend.

As of yesterday, he's hallucinating badly, reaching out for things that aren't there and mainly sleeping. He's lost the ability to swallow and doesn't really speak any more- the odd word or sentence in lucid moments.

You're right - there is no practice run and the real thing is hard-hitting. Although I find because of my work and life, I'm kind of running on autopilot and a bit numb. I think I'll feel very differently at the end of the coming week...

xx

I'm off work this week which feels weird in itself but my boss has been through losing a parent and he's encouraging me not to push myself. I was pretty drained to be honest and my concentration level utterly shot, i've finally started being able to get to sleep at night again though and sleep the whole night through - it's awful to lose them but you get a sense of relief at the same time that the cancer no longer has them in it's grip.

I am liking being able to go out for a walk whenever I feel the need and things like that to keep my head clear - waiting to hear when his send off will be is keeping me in a bit of a limbo really.

The other hard thing for people in our situation that I have found is that our country is so obsessed by cancer right now, we know only too well about cancer but there are so many tv adverts about it, breakfast news has been running specials on it all week, there's all the programs we've had about stand up to cancer, you walk in to shops or chemist and you see posters for macmillan everywhere - it's like there's no escape from it! And I kind of get mad and think"stop bloody preaching to us all and start actually telling us what bloody difference the money is making that we all keep donating!"

I started grieving for my dad on friday once I was told he was pretty much unconscious all the the time, your dad like my dad was is in that state where you know the personality and spirit that was your dad is no longer there.xxx

Oh Jules, it is so awful, but yes, I feel when it's 'over' I will feel relief and my mind won't be so tormented.

It's wonderful you get that time off. I won't - I get 5 days compassionate leave for the funeral - but that won't be long as it's in a different country. Other than that, I can probably take a day of 'emergency leave' the day he goes, but then I have to 'carry on as normal' - though I suspect my mind will be all over the place. 

His wife sent me a photo of him today - I asked. He actually looks good, but his eyes and expression are blank. It's very odd - like his soul isn't there - and yes, his personality has gone. The light has gone from his eyes. It was surreal, but still glad I got the picture. 

Today he is a little more settled and my sister went to see him. He even managed to talk to her for a bit. I'm hoping to get an update from her later.

You are so right about all the cancer stuff shoved in our faces. Luckily it's not so bad here, but if they spent the money on actually doing stuff, instead of endless fancy signs and marketing materials, I, too, would feel a lot happier!

xx

Hi Folks,

I hope ES doesnt mind but I would like to respond to something Jules79 wrote. My wife is of the same opinion as you that there are too many advert about cancer on the tv ect.

I do understand your viewpoint. I do try to keep myself updated on anything cancer related as I have lost ten family members including both my parents. Like most things we only here the bad news but I am encouraged that a lot of breakthroughs are being made in the fight against cancer. A lot will take years to filter through but some new meds/ machiens are allready starting to make a differnce and that has to be a good thing. Hope you dont mind me replying.

I also understand what you say about a sense of relief that our loved ones are no longer suffering but I also felt a sense of guilt as well for thinking like that. So many mixed feelings and emotions that we have problems knowing how we should really feel

I am sending kind thought to both of you, Brian.

Thank you Brian - and no, of course I don't mind you writing!

It's an illness with so many areas of progress to be made... I just hope they do!

Feelings are so mixed at this time - guilt, sadness, anger, frustration. I'm hoping that there is some relief and peace at the end of it all... especially for my dad.

Emily