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I feel so out of control mentally

Annie58
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I have terminal BC and just had my regular scan to check the status of treatment. I have been stable so far but find that I feel like I am having a mental breakdown everytime I wait for the results. Its like an alien takes over my mind and I can't deal with feeling so out of control. I know that whatever the results are that is my reality and I get terrified and depressed about what the future holds and just cry and go nuts. I was only diagnosed 17 months ago and still can't believe that I am going to die.I am angry,sad,bitter,hopeless,crazy and keep wondering why me?  I keep looking online for others to talk to but they are all so together emotionally that I just feel like more of a failure that I can't accept my death. If I am having a better day I can pretend that all is normal and things are OK but deep down I known it's a big lie and I will never live to see old age. Nothing can fix me and I feel cheated. I saw a counsellor and they said what I feel is normal and it was a waste of time and useless. I feel so alone in the world now and nobody gets the terrible mental pain I feel,I am just so,so angry about dying and it's just not fair.  Maybe I am just a bad person and deserve this.

 

 

 

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    Hi Annie,

    I'm currently in that gap between my regular CT scan and getting the results and I can relate to every single word of your post. Most of the time I can keep my act together but we all ask why me? from time to time. You're not a failure for having these feelings, you're simply a human under a lot of pressure and facing the most difficult situation imaginable. A gallows sense of humour helps, but we don't all have a warped sense of humour!

    This is a good place to come to let of steam - feel free to express how you feel. Like you, I know I won't see old age and it really pi55es me off when I hear older people grumbling about every day aches and pains. Someone on here mentioned an old woman telling her "don't get old dear". Hard to hear that without wanting to say "at least you got to be old - my Dad shouldn't be worrying about my funeral, I should be worrying about his!" 

    Best wishes

    Dave

       

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    you are not alone I feel exactly the same and you are definitely not a bad person. I have an incurable cancer, although it is slow growing and I feel fine at the moment, it does not stop me feeling so down and desperate. I have two young teenage children and every day I look at them and think I won't see their future, their wedding,their children it makes me feel so sad. I can barely look at my husband who refuses to discuss the future. Most days I try to concentrate at the positive things, but I could easily roll up into a ball and give up, but you need to keep going for your family. I was a great planner, holidays, events and I find it very hard that I can only live every three months between scans. Don't feel alone as you are not, life is *** and unfair, but we have to make the most of what time we have left. No point being miserable, stay strong (not easy) xx
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    I know just how you feel and its not a nice place to be in i cry alot feel sad i am not ready to leave my beautiful children that i have watched grow up i think why me what have i done that life can be so cruel and if one more person tells me to be posative i think i might strangle them talking to other people suffering this awful cancer helps i think i hope it helps you love carole x

  • Offline in reply to Pippy

    I agree that everyone who says think postive makes me feel angry; I'm sorry but until you are in my shoes and truly understand what it means to have an incurable disease then be quiet!  My emotions go up and down all the time; sometimes I can 'pretend' that all is OK and I can get some peace but others it's just a struggle to try and get through things.  I am glad that we can all vent and feel safe here, it is a big help for me to know that I am really OK.  Anne

  • Offline in reply to Annie58

    I hate scan so much and I hate waiting for its results just as much. Right now, I see no point to it. Thats why i just stopped doing it. Its not like its going to make any difference now... thats what i think. My doctors pretty much admitted there is nothing more they can do, other than give me treatment that will most likely turn my family into pauper than increase my life expectancy by 5 more years. I actually found that both disappointing (at first) and relieving, relieving because now i can pretty much ignore going to the doctor and stopped doing all that stressful scans without having any guilty feeling of the consequences. Some how it gives me some semblance of control, that I can control my life once again.

     

    I dont recommend it though, especially if youre the type who dont have to worry about sky-high medical bills ( I do) or someone who live in a country that have easy access to affordable health care or experimental/high success rate/palliative treatments.

     

    Running do helps me out a lot, and i always run when i have a good/not-so-good day (though lately my cancer-borne fatigue and muscle weakness are now taking their effects). It helps me control my pains and most of my symptoms except for jaundice (it get worse). At the end of the day it makes feel very tired that i have no more energy left to worry about my impending death.

    Every time I run, I always feel like im inside a surreal dream and I feel that death will be my way of waking up. Sometimes I just wish that when i die i want it to happen during one of my "all-effort" sprint attempt.

     

  • Offline in reply to JoyfulofJourney

    Scan results not great cancer is growing again and I am gutted. Going to start a new med but having a hard time dealing with things now.

  • Offline in reply to Annie58

    Hi Annie,

    That's awful news for you to receive.
    Let's hope that the new meds do the trick.

    It must be hard to be positive in the face of this, but I hope you find the strength to pull you through.

     

    Best wishes
    Dave

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