Hi Im sorry about your mum and dad and the suffering u r going through. Its  very very hard watching a loved one suffer so much.But Im sure your mum wouldnt want you to be thinking about taking your own life. Yes its tough when we lose a loved one but they would want us to carry on. Have u thought about talking to somebody about your feelings. Take care x

Hi there, I am so glad you joined this forum. I broke down in tears when I read your post. It took me back to a time 13 years ago when I lost my son to suicide. It was, and still is, my biggest heartache and will be with me till the day I die myself. Your post likely describes the state of mind felt by my son just before he took that awful step and ended his life, although for a different reason than yours. His pain ended and my unending pain began. Please don't do this. DO NOT END YOUR LIFE!  The pain that you feel right now is really raw I know. You have recently lost your Dad and now you are losing your Mom. My heart aches for you. Your brother will carry the pain of losing you for the rest of his life if you take your life by suicide. Do not do this please! Reach out to your brother and his wife and tell them how you feel. Please talk with your Mom's doctors or nurse and ask them to help you. Right now you likely feel your life isn't worth living if you lose your Mom, but it really is. You can and will survive this loss Life goes on even when we lose loved ones to death. I speak from experience. I have lost many loved ones to death, but losing my son to suicide was the worst possible experience of my life. Losing a loved one to suicide is not a death we can recover from. Please do not do this to your brother. Get help for your pain. You can do this. I beg of you.

Come back on here and talk to us. People on this forum are very caring and supportive. We all have and still are suffering from loss in one way or another, either the loss of a loved one to cancer, or the prospect of losing our own life. Please take care of yourself. If you can't do this for yourself right now, please do it for your brother.

Sending you a huge hug.

Lorraine  

Hello NotYetOldEnough,

I see you have received some excellent and sensible advice from Cuddlybunny, davek and LorraineD. You have gone through a lot recently and it is normal to feel down in these circumstances but I would echo what they said - that your loved ones would want you to carry on. It is important as davek said that you don't bottle things up and that you speak to someone about how you are feeling. Many of our forum members will have been in a similar situation and they will be happy to chat with you and be there for you.

I would also suggest you get in touch with an emotional support organization called Befrienders. As you seem to be based in India, you can find here details of the 24 hour helpline you can ring. Don't hesitate to give them a call, it will no doubt make you feel better to talk to someone.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

First of all I would like to thank all of you for replying. I am really very sorry to hear LorraineD about your loss. It must have been tragic. 

I am also going through some of the most intense emotions of my life right now. Everything is happening extremely  fast and I feel so helpless. This disease is breaking up my mum every moment. She had been extremely strong throughout her life and never knelt against  any situation in life. But now this Cancer seems to be winning in face of ours.

When we first got to know about my brother's illness, she was the first one to wipe our tears and say blodly that she would give him the gift of life.

She has been with me every moment of my life during all the phases. Now at this moment of hers I am unable to do anything but just holding her hands and giving her false hopes.

Now since yesterday she is not in fully oriented state and is having constant hellucinations and she is seeing all those people from family who are no more. She mostly sees my dad sitting near her waiting  for her to come along.

Yesterday night I sat beside her whole night holding  her hand and suddenly this morning she vommitted a lot of blood and was gasping a lot. They had to shift her to ICU to control her situation. They also took my permission for keeping her on ventilator if need be and told me to not be very much hopeful. If she goes onto ventilator she would be unable to get back to respire herself.

I have taken permission from doctors to sit beside her and right now I am olding her hand and typing this, While she is just blankly starting at a wall from hours. 

I have also consulted a greif councellor to help me out of this phase if possible. Your replies have given me some strength. I think my only mistake throughout my life has been that I took her for granted.

Hi there, I am so glad that you have written in to the forum again. I am also glad that you have consulted a grief counselor to help you through this. You can do this. I know its' really hard to watch a loved one die as you sit beside their bed and watch this happen. My heart goes out to you as you support your Mom at the end of her life. Just know that you are giving her a wonderful gift by being there for her at her time of need. You seen like a very kind hearted person and you want to be there for your Mom for as long as she needs you. That will mean so much to her. Just  doing this for her will give you the strength to go on and continue with your life after she is gone and rests in peace. The people on this forum will be here to help you through this journey with your Mom and then after as well if you want that. Most of us have been through what you are now experiencing and we understand how hard this is for you. I hope you do follow up with the grief counsellor when and as you need to.

Take care and stay in touch with us here.

Lorraine 

Thanks all for your concern and . So another day and Mum has shown everyone how strong she is. She came out of that pulmonary aspiration and didn't had any need for ventilator. She had to be on Oxygen only for about 4 hours and after that her SpO2 became normal without the need of oxygen mask. Though she was in subconcious state but would occasionaly start talking about things. 

Yesterday she suddenly started talking in mid of the night about her illness, how this year has passed and other things as if she she were on phone with someone. She narrated all the events of 2016 including my dad's passing away, her illness, surgery, current treatment and how she is going to get better. In between this long conversation she narrated how I have been with her through out these months long hospitalizations sitting beside her 24 7, holding her hand and how lucky she is to have me as her son. She said everone knows how much we love each other and our love is beyond this world and how badly she wants to get better for me.

After this she fell alseep and now isn't able to talk at all after waking up. We are just having a conversation with she blinking her eyes for "yes" as an answer to my questions.

This is extremely painful atm and my heart aches with superficial pain to just think about carrying on without her as I can lose her anytime.

Hi there, I'm glad you are staying in touch with us here on the forum as you take this journey with your Mom. We know how heartbreaking this is for you as you support her through this terrible illness. You definitely are a son to be cherished and proud of and I know you are a huge comfort to your Mom at her time of need. It was good that she had those moments when she was able to reiterate her journey of her disease as it likely gave her pause to get it all said while she had it on her mind. How comforting for her that you were there with her at that time. Just know that we are here for you and please stay in touch.

Sending you a big hug.

Lorraine

Thanks for the hugs, I am need for a lot theses days.

The condition of my mom is deteriorating day by day and you can see that difference clearly. On one day she is so better and talkative and on another she is barely able to open her eyes.

Its been over 36 hours that I haven't slept and I'm sitting beside her as she is so terrified that she won't let me leave her hand.

I know the time is upon as and she can leave me any day. I know this since her diagnosis but you can't really ever be prepared for that time. Time when a person is with you, you could feel the pulse and breathing and warmth and then nothing but a void for ever.

Yesterday I cried my heart out seeing her condition with totally immobile legs and barely moving hands. The disease is taking toll and we are losing so badly. 

Two days back her condition got so bad that doctors were saying she could be gone any moment and we had even got eye donation team ready on call. But she pulled her strength up somehow and recovered to be good again. Today she is down with fever and laying sleepily.