Hi Nicole,

I am sorry to read about your dad. I know all to well how it feels when you dont live close by and cant get to visit much. My father lived in the far side of Canada while I'm in the south east od England. I lost him about this time last year and as my wife has health problems, I couldnt get to see him or to support my brothers and sisters who also live in Canada. So I agree with what you say about feeling usless and unable to help just the same as I did when I lost my mother ten years ago. The truth is, unfortunately there is nothing much we can do ecept to offer support and love.

I wish you and your family all the best with kind thought being sent your way, Brian.

Thank you for your kind words Brian. 

hi nicole85, you are not alone, im so sorry about your dad,, read my about me section click on guitar pic, i sooo understand. have left you a message on another page...stay strong, dig deep,   my dads terminal     69......were all here...cococat/rach x

Hi, I was touch by your post. I am new to this web site but I will tell you something about myself. I am 62 years old and was diagnosed last Dec with breast cancer and this was soon followed by another diagnoses of secondary bone/ breast cancer which means I am stage 4. Sometimes people find it difficult to speak to me about my illness but I don't have difficulty talking about it , I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable with my condition , it is important that they acknowledge it because this is ' my reality'. What is important is you accept our disease like we have had to , it is our new norm and all we need is your unconditional love and the rest will take care of itself , i promise. Good luck

Hi Nicole.

I'm 30, my dad is 65 and has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer of osophageous. It's spread to his lymph nodes and his stomach. His diagnosis is T4N1M1 and he's beginning palliative EOX chemo next month. He only retired from his job in August. Like you, I don't live close be (over 250 miles away). 

I don't know that I necessarily have advice but I wanted to reach out to you as our situations feel so similar. I sent you a friend request in the hope that you'd be happy to talk. My fiance and friends are so supportive but it would be nice to talk to someone who knows exactly how I feel.

x

So sorry to hear about your Dad. 

I only know too well that feeling. I'm 27 and my dad was diagnosed 19 months ago ( April last year ) with stage 4 incurable bowel cancer which has spread to his lungs and liver. He was 63 at the time! I'll never forget the day we found out, never felt pain like it. Kept thinking it can't be real this must be a dream...but it wasn't sadly. But he's still here 19 months on, he has palliative chemotherapy and only recently has lost all his hair including facial too. There were many times I'd sit in a room with my dad in silence because I felt stupid trying to make a conversation with him as I didn't know what to say. Looking back now all my dad wanted and still wants is for everyone to be normal to a certain extent, he doesn't want people fussing over him I think this would make him really depressed if he had no control over anything. 

Just remember your dad probably realises how much you're hurting right now and how difficult it is for you. Just letting him know you're there and that you love him will make him happy. 

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Im terminally ill as well, and there are times when all I wanted is someone who will listen to my stories. So if you are having a hard time coming up with a topic to discuss, you could just pause and listen.

As what other people have said, you shouldnt avoid discussing his illness if thats what he wanted to talk about. Personally I find discussing what will happen to me, what pains will i experience, symptoms i am experiencing, what type of care I expected to have, what I want on funeral, etc very comforting and stress relieving.

It somehow makes the topic of my demise very natural and acceptable. Its just like as if im just leaving for a trip or something. I know thats its hard but as much as possible try to have a more positive and light hearted reaction when the discussion is about death. Personally having someone breaks down and deteriorates emotionally infront me is a very frightening and distressing experience. As much as possible i want to make the journey towards my demise a very pleasant and a happy one so i dont really know what to do when someone cry and become sad about it. It feels like its my fault they are crying and sad.

If anything, try reminiscing the happy times you have with your dad as a topic of a conversation. Thats another discussion i love to have. It somehow reminds me that my journey in life, though short, is worthwhile and worth having and therefore there are no reasons to have regrets or anything.