Hi VickyD

I noticed your post because of the title. Anticipatory grief is exactly what I feel I am experiencing right now. My Mum has secondary and terminal breast cancer in her bones. After a brave 3 year fight it now looks like there is no further fight to be had and she has gone significantly downhill in the last 2 months.

I don't know how old you are, I'm 32 and I have no idea how I will cope when she is gone. I worry about my Dad, I cry when I think about her not having seen me get married or have children. I cry spontaneously all the time and none of my friends understand. My boyfriend does what he can, but he doesn't understand either. My biggest fear is that I just won't cope when she dies and I panic that I won't be any use to anyone. I feel like I am grieving now, even though she is still here.

It's strange that we both sought comfort through this medium at the same time. After a hard day at work and some further bad news from today's test results I have spent all my Friday night in tears. Lying here now unable to sleep, which is why I sought out these message boards for the first time. 

I don't think I can offer any words of advice, it sounds as if we are in the same position, trying our best to muddle out way through. However, it is considerable comfort to me to know that I am not alone. I hope it is the same for you.

Whilst it is hard to believe when people say it to me, you are stronger than you know. It will be hard, but we will both get through some how.

I hope you're ok xxxx

Hi alexalily1983

I am 26, my sister is 18 and we have just found out that my mum has been diagnosed with terminal secondary breast cancer in her bones. She's opting for palliative care, and I don't think I will have her for any longer than a year.

I am so scared. So so scared. Everything in your post sounded like I had wrote it. 

I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry, I've just discovered this website's forum and I know its a few years ago that you posted but I hope you are ok. I really need someone who understands what this feels like. 

x

Hi and welcome to the forum.

You'll find many people on here who are in a similar situation to yourself and can understand what you are going through. [@Chriss]‍ may be able to point you in the right direction.

Best wishes

Dave 

Hi Belle.

I am so so sorry to hear you news. Life is so unfair sometimes.

It is natural to be afraid for what the future will hold. You don't expect to be facing the loss of your Mum at such a young age do you? I just assumed I'd be caring for my Mum in her 80/90s, that she'd be a grandma for my children and that we'd have decades more together and, so sadly, it just didn't work our that way for us.

it was almost 3 months to the day from the date of my first post about "anticipatory grief" to the day my Mum died. She died on 2/1/17 so we're just shy of the 3 year anniversary now. I don't know if there is much advice I can offer about how to process the news as everyone manages emotions in different ways, and of course all family relationships are different. However, I hope I can share some hope and say that however bleak things seem now, I promise you will be ok. It will take time and it will be hard, but your life will go on and you and your sister WILL manage. I really do promise that. 
 

One thing I did which really helped me after my Mum died was taking the time to talk to her whilst she was alive, and to say everything i wanted to. What those things are will differ from relationship to relationship, but for example I thanked her for being such a wonderful Mum and how lucky I was to have had her. Don't leave anything unsaid, that would be my main piece of advice. 
 

For now, having just received such hard news my advice would be to look after yourself as much as your mum and sister. It will be hard, the coming weeks and months, and it is important to make sure you're ok both mentally and physically. Speak to your friends and family and let them help you. Sometimes it feels awkward asking for, or even just accepting, help but please do it. Don't be afraid to ask for time off work/studies etc. It's big news to process and you shouldn't be expected to be functioning as normal. So take what time you need. In my experience people will want to help and you should let them.

I don't know you, but I can tell you that you are stronger than you think. You will get through this and you will be a changed person. You will come through the other side and I promise life will go on and it will be ok!

sending love and strength through the dark.

x

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my emotional babbling. I am blown away by how comforting it is to hear someone speak so calmly and rationally about something that I deemed so personal to me,

The past few days have been an emotioal rollercoaster. I have to leave at somepoint to go back to work, (I live with my partner 120 miles away from my parents), and am worrying about the distance. I have a car so I can come back any time, and plan to do so, but I need to keep my own life going if only to preserve my own sanity. I'm not quite sure how to balance the guilt.

I am so sorry about your Mum, it sounds as though you are coming out the other side with grace and strength and self awareness. I hope I can emulate that.

x

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my emotional babbling. I am blown away by how comforting it is to hear someone speak so calmly and rationally about something that I deemed so personal to me,

The past few days have been an emotioal rollercoaster. I have to leave at somepoint to go back to work, (I live with my partner 120 miles away from my parents), and am worrying about the distance. I have a car so I can come back any time, and plan to do so, but I need to keep my own life going if only to preserve my own sanity. I'm not quite sure how to balance the guilt.

I am so sorry about your Mum, it sounds as though you are coming out the other side with grace and strength and self awareness. I hope I can emulate that.

x