Hi VickyD

I noticed your post because of the title. Anticipatory grief is exactly what I feel I am experiencing right now. My Mum has secondary and terminal breast cancer in her bones. After a brave 3 year fight it now looks like there is no further fight to be had and she has gone significantly downhill in the last 2 months.

I don't know how old you are, I'm 32 and I have no idea how I will cope when she is gone. I worry about my Dad, I cry when I think about her not having seen me get married or have children. I cry spontaneously all the time and none of my friends understand. My boyfriend does what he can, but he doesn't understand either. My biggest fear is that I just won't cope when she dies and I panic that I won't be any use to anyone. I feel like I am grieving now, even though she is still here.

It's strange that we both sought comfort through this medium at the same time. After a hard day at work and some further bad news from today's test results I have spent all my Friday night in tears. Lying here now unable to sleep, which is why I sought out these message boards for the first time. 

I don't think I can offer any words of advice, it sounds as if we are in the same position, trying our best to muddle out way through. However, it is considerable comfort to me to know that I am not alone. I hope it is the same for you.

Whilst it is hard to believe when people say it to me, you are stronger than you know. It will be hard, but we will both get through some how.

I hope you're ok xxxx

Hi Alexa,

I hope you get this message somehow. This exact scenario is happening with my Mum right now. Secondary Breast Cancer and terminal cancer in her bones. Im also 32.

The fear I feel is unbelievable and the guilt because she wont see me marry or have kids. I'm just not coping.

Can you help me know what to expect? :( I can't fuction or anything right now

Hi Alexa,

I hope you get this message somehow. This exact scenario is happening with my Mum right now. Secondary Breast Cancer and terminal cancer in her bones. Im also 32.

The fear I feel is unbelievable and the guilt because she wont see me marry or have kids. I'm just not coping.

Can you help me know what to expect? :( I can't fuction or anything right now

Hi Nina

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It really is so hard and there are no platitudes which are likely to help. It is the most difficult thing in the world seeing someone you love decline, knowing your time left with them will be shortened and that there is nothing you can do about it. I don't think you can ever be the same person again after such an experience. 
 

I first posted on here in September 2016. In October 2016 we learned that the secondary breast cancer had spread to my Mum's bones and she died exactly 3 months later on 2nd January 2017. She actually went into the hospice where she died on 31 December 2016 so we're almost at the 2 year anniversary. Needless to say Christmas and New Years isn't an easy time for my family.

The last few years have been very hard, and watching my gorgeous Mum die was dreadful (I'm not sure there is even an accurate word to describe the experience, dreadful doesn't seem to quite cut it) BUT, there is a but.....

You WILL get through it. Life will go on and I promise you will be happy again. I know it seems impossible to think about that right now, but I really do promise things will be ok. It will take time and the early weeks and months will be hard. But gradually you will be able to function, you won't feel so lost, you'll laugh and not feel guilty. I miss my Mum every day, but I can now think about her and talk about her and laugh and be happy, as opposed to just bereft. There are of course days which are still very hard, but overall I am able to look back and think of her with love and with joy, and not sadness about her death. 
 

The best piece of advice I received, and which I pass on to anyone in a similar position is to take the time, whilst you have it, to say everything you want to say to your Mum. My Mum and I were incredibly close but we didn't have a very "sentimental" relationship. She knew I loved her and her me, and so we didn't feel the need to vocalise that very often, it was sought of just unsaid. I saw a counsellor for a brief period and she said that in her experience the thing which often troubles bereaved people the most is what they didn't say when they had the chance. She encouraged me to talk to my mum and I am so so so so so pleased I did. I told I loved her, I thanked her for being a wonderful mum, I told her I was angry that she would have been such a brilliant granny but she wouldn't have the chance and that made me sad. I told her I would miss her but she would be with me always and I would follow her example of a life well-lived. I will be forwever grateful for having that piece of advice as I know she died knowing how I felt, and nothing with left unsaid.

I would also take some time to look after yourself. Grief, anticipatory and then afterwards, is draining as is caring for someone ill. Don't feel bad about needing time to recharge in whatever way you feel best. I run and so would take time

off from caring for Mum to do that, and it kept me sane. Ignore what people think you should be doing and do what's right for you. The same goes for work, if you need time off: take it, but if working helps you mentally then keep it up. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this scenario and you have to make sure you are caring for yourself as well. Your Mum would want that.

In the very nearly 3 years since my Mum died I've had a son, who is nearly two. It's awful that she never got to meet him, but life will go on, and you WILL be happy again. I really do promise that.

wishing you strength and love x

Hi, 

I hope you don't mind me jumping in and replying. My lovely mom passed away in late December. She had a rare type of cancer and had had chemotherapy. The cancer was in her lungs, breast and lymph nodes. She'd responded well to the chemo and we were told at her last ct scan that it hadn't progressed further. The oncologist had given her the option of having a break from the chemo, so she'd had none since July. Everything was good, she had some days that were better than others. But overall she was living to the best of her ability. Then she was admitted to hospital with an infection which turned out to be pneumonia. She went downhill in a matter of hours. 
 

In terms of what to expect, you'll probably be numb. I kept taking everything in and doing what was needed but I kept expecting to wake up. It's only now, about 7 weeks later, that I am starting to grieve. I'll have intense moments of sheer, unbelievable heartache and sorrow. But they pass. I know I will feel like this for the rest of my life, but my hope is that one day I will be able to think of my mom without feeling this pain. 
 

I hope you are with loved ones at this time.