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My Mum has terminal cancer and I am falling apart.

HayleyK
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Hi,

Well it has took me a year to build up the courage to write a post. My mum was misdiagnosed for 15 months with anxiety only to find out 12 months ago after being rushed to ICU & a month of investigation. that she has CNS Lymphoma in the brain. The journey for the past 12 months have been dramatic to say the least & after the  initial 6 month treatment failed, she was given a prognosis of 2-4 weeks, 5 months on & a last chance round of chemo later, she is still here. Not as strong as she was (she has lost the ability to walk/use her left hand/ her vision has gone terrible & her voice is hardly audible) but she is still her determined to live everyday to the full whilst battling through the most horrendous pain. She has just been discharged from a hospice for pain management and she is adamant she will fight it.

 

I live a 6 hour drive from my mum & dad. My only brother lives in Oz. I work 4 days a week and have two children. I recently got married as it was my mum's final wish to see me & my now husband of 18 years marry (We had an amazing day. A day of bliss where the elephant in the room disappeared). Every weekend I drive to mum's to help and I spent the whole summer there caring for her  My dad isn't coping at all & I fear he is having a breakdown, He is so upset & angry at the world that I can't barely have a proper conversation with him.

 

What I am finding hard is holding it together. The thought of losing my mum keeps me awake at night & in the day I walk around in a daze hoping someone would just click their fingers & this would all go away. I am & always have been the insanely positive one of my family (even through all the horrific consultant meetings, the hospital stay & hospices- I have been positive) but as each day passes I am feeling that ebb away. I am scared, exhausted, confused & angry. I have begun to question the world: How can my clean eating, marathon running beautiful, amazing mum develop such a debilitating disease. She is the perfect grandmother to my children & to think she won't be here to watch them grow hurts me so much. I am so worried that if I am not coping now, how will I cope when her time comes. I feel like I walk around with shadow beside me & I can't feel any joy. I have been to the doctors who advised me to avoid anti depressants and they have told me to rest but how can i rest!?! 35 HR a week job, 2 children, a new husband, a house that is always a bomb site, a 500 mile round trip each weekend & then caring for mum, whilst trying to be Mrs Positive. Phew! There I did it. Rant over!. I apologise profusely if in any of this you think I am playing the Marytr. I just want to know how everyone else tackles balancing normal life with losing a loved one. 

 

Thabk you! H X 

 

 

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    I'm sorry about your mum. My mum has recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer after going back and forth to the Dr for 15 months. Unfortunately now it's spread all over. She's in hospital because she can't eat, has no enzymes to digest food. They aren't treating it, just trying to make her eat. I relate to all you're feeling. My anxiety was so severe I couldn't get out of bed. Couldn't sleep but just wanted to hide away and not face anything. A week and a half ago I got put on Prozac. I'd hoped to avoid medication but wasn't coping. It seems to be kicking in with the anxiety but like you I just feel sad all the time, have no interest in anything, can't bring myself to do anything I enjoy, can barely eat (have lost half a stone in 2 weeks). I'm supposed to be going on holiday in 2 weeks but just don't want to go. Booked it over a yr ago. Somehow I've managed to keep it together when visiting mum in hospital but it is hard. I can't really give you advice but you are definitely not alone in your emotions. It's normal. I'd give anything to turn back time and take my mums niggling symptoms more seriously instead of assuming the doctors knew what they were doing. 

  • Offline in reply to TJH72
    Hello both... I am in a similar situation. My mum was diagnosed 5 years ago and after a second round of treatment we were told they couldn't cure her, only use medication to try to slow the spread. The last few months she has deteriorated, has trouble breathing, loss of appetite. Today is she going to the Dr for the results of her mot recent scan and I am sick with worry at what the news will be. I don't know what to do with myself today, I can't think about anything else but thinking about this and waiting to hear is just awful. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone. Do you talk to your mums about their illnesses? Whenever I see mine I want to try to be strong and positive and I know that if we talk about it we will both cry, so I try to avoid it. I don't know, perhaps this is a huge mistake and I should try to be more open with her?
  • Offline in reply to V1611R
    Hi, we only found out the diagnosis when she was admitted to hospital 2 1/2 weeks ago. My mum I think is in denial. She hasn't told her sister and when I ask why she says because she hasn't got anything definite to tell her, but she clearly does... when me and my sister ask her if she has any news from the doctors or test results she always says no (save for a biopsy of the stomach which came back clear). So we haven't really talked much about it. In fact she tends to get a bit 'stroppy' if we keep asking questions. It's really difficult, but if she doesn't want to talk about it then I won't. Somehow I've managed to keep it together when visiting her but not sure how much longer that will last.
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    Hi Hayley First of all I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you going through such a difficult time. You are being pulled in lots of different directions & as women so often do try to be & do everything. I was in the position your in with my mam earlier this year - she passed away end of May and I miss her every single day. I went on the sick at work to care for mam - I was only off 2 weeks before she died - is this an option for you? Don't worry about the housework - can a Rota be drawn up where everyone starts doing a bit more around the house to help you? You don't have to be positive all the time, this place is a good place to come to rant. But do remember to be kind to yourself - you are going through one of the hardest things to cope with. I had no support from my brother - my dad was fantastic but fell apart after Mam died - I was lucky to have a supportive husband otherwise I don't think I would have coped. It does feel so unfair at times - mam did everything she could to live healthily, walking club, watched diet yet all her friends are still here and she's not! She was such a positive person as your mum sounds and I really feel for you right now. Take care xx

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