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End of life, What to expect

Caroll
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My Dad was diagnosed with secondary bone cancer with no primary found last Friday. He was admitted in acute ward at hospital with extreme fatigue, low blood sugar, high INR ( he's was on warfarin) they found he had high calcium levels. We did not know how poorly he was as he had been caring for my Mum who has dementia. I knew he was struggling to walk, but had been for a number of years but he was so tired and was sick after he ate.I arranged for my Mum to go in respite to give him a chance to recharge his batteries, he's 88 next week. When Mum went he never got his energy back and was admitted to hospital.

after numerous tests we got the shock diagnosis, the Dr didn't think he would make 24 hrs he was so poorly and wants ng to sleep all the time.  After a week of daily deterioration, and much shouting and demanding I got him into the hospice, again they didn't think he would survive transfer.

He is now on end of life pathway being looked after by a wonderful doctor and nurses. But I don't know what to expect, he's been there two days now, he is peaceful, sleeps all the time, doesn't want water or anything. Think he know when I arrive and leave, his breathing is stable, all the fluid retention has gone, but he has gone a creamy yellow colour. What will happen next will he just fade in deeper sleep, he has got a shrine pump fitted with pain killer, not morning but same type and something to stop agitation, but they tell me it's only a small dose of everything. I don't want to lose my Dad and wish I had a magic wand, but I also don't want him to be in a state of limbo like he is, it's breaks my heart, he's been my best friend, worst enemy, banker but always had my back, now I feel I should have his and do everything I can for him.

has anyone been in the same position ?

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    Hi there Caroll, welcome to the forum, but so sorry to hear about your Dad. I have been where you are and also with my Dad, but also with several other loved ones too. You feel like you're in a double bind; on the one hand, you don't want your Dad to suffer, but on the other, you really don't want to lose him either. It sounds like the best thing to do for him at this point is to keep him as comfortable as possible and hope for a peaceful passing. It sounds like your Dad was mainly holding on to take care of your Mom and once he was satisfied that she was getting the care she needed, he stopped struggling with his own health issues. You certainly have to love him and respect him for that. He sounds like a really dedicated and loving husband to your Mom. (You seem like a very loving and dedicated daughter.) I hope your Dad's passing is peaceful for the both of you and that you are able to benefit from the love and example that you had from both your parents. Losing one's parents closes another chapter in one's life and although it if often mixed with grief, it is a necessary transition for all of us to experience. Losing your Dad will be a difficult time for you and also the fact that your Mom is not fully aware of what is happening will be another hurdle for you to deal with. My heart goes out to you.

    Come back on the forum and get support from the people on here who know what you are going through. Many other forum members have been where you are and will understand what its' like for you.

    Take care and sending you hugs.

    Lorraine

  • Offline in reply to LorraineD
    Thank you for your kind words Lorraine. Doctor says my Dads heart is very strong and now he's out of pain he has relaxed, which is why he has not deteriorated anymore. He was on a very busy accute ward before moving to hospice. Although the Dr and nurses were good but they are not used to palliative care and do not have nowhere near enough staff, so anyone else who has loved one in this position please fight to get them moved, it makes such a difference, I am glad I did. Even though I was told there was waiting list for hospice and no beds available, now we are there I find there are 3 free beds and sadly another one came available this afternoon. So glad I stood up for my Dad, he's in the right place now getting the most wonderful care xx
  • Offline in reply to Caroll

    Hi Caroll. it sounds like your Dad is where he needs to be and where he is most comfortable. It sounds like you're feeling a little less anxious about him now. He is so fortunate to have you on his side and making sure he is as comfortable as he can be. Unfortunately, when a bed becomes available in palliative care, it means that someone has died. This is one of the many difficult things in life that we all have to deal with at some point and if it can be made in a more humane and caring way, its' a lot less stressful to cope with.

    Take care of yourself as you take this journey with your Dad. Come on to the forum whenever you feel the need to offload or just get your feelings out in a safe and caring place. I wish you peace at such a difficult time. Sending you hugs.

    Lorraine   

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