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SaraLou
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My mum is terminal and has been told she doesn't have very long left

I've asked if she wants to do anything (like a bucket list) before it happens and she said she couldn't think of anything

She's very weak, struggles to get up and down the stairs and can't really eat so our options are limited. But she does have a wheelchair so I'm thinking that I could maybe take her out for walks or even something silly like to the zoo, I just don't want her last few weeks spent lying in bed or on the sofa, even if it's just getting her out of the house for half an hour or something

If anyone has any ideas about things we could do I'd really appreciate it 

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    Hi SaraLou,

    I'm in a very similar position with my own mum, and had another close relative die of cancer last year. This is a mixture of things we did last year, things we are trying this year and things I think I would want.

    Just some ideas.

    Foot massage with some nice smelling stuff (we got from Body Shop), hand massage. Maybe get someone to come in to both of you so you can share the experience. Nice smells around - a room spray (eg from Not Another Bunch of Flowers), flowers - to look at and smell esp if your mum has a favourite. The sound of birdsong, just being outside for a bit in the air. Any little parks or gardens near if your mum can cope without getting too weary? Facetime or skype calls to old friends/relatives - even if you organise the technology for her. One of those electronic photoframes that changes the photo every so often - with a mix of old photos and newer ones of family and friends. Audio books for when she is too weary to read.

    We talked a lot last year, while we could. Told funny stories about the children or things in the past so we could all laugh some of the time. Maybe your mum will just like to see you laughing, just as much as you will like to see her laughing. We also sat quietly together for a lot of time. Just being together, holding hands.

    Go out for an icecream from a van if your mum can eat it. Feed ducks. Play cards games. Or go to the zoo if your mum can do it. Why not? I'd like that. Go to the theatre/ballet/opera - afternoon matinee? Watch children playing in a park, go to the coast if you can get there and just look at the sea.

    A trip on a riverboat (ring first re wheelchair)?

    It's a hard time but it's a special time too in a funny sort of way. I hope you find what works for the two of you.

  • Offline in reply to Jacey

    Hi Jacey

    Thank you so much for your reply - you've given me a lot to think about!

    I don't think she'd be up for the theatre but I really like the idea of a bit of pampering - will definitely be looking into that!

     

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    Having just been through this very same predicament, I would advise going out in a wheel chair for short trips even if it's just around the local streets to look at gardens and familiar things, my partner Jo really enjoyed that. I also used to massage her feet, legs and hands with some 'smelly' creams whilst listening to music play lists we had made together. It's all about spending good quality time together which matters most at this sad time.

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    Hi there 

    Im so sorry to hear about your mum. 

    I lost my mum 2 weeks ago yesterday. We had her at home for the last 6 weeks and she was bed bound. She asked to watch lots of her favourite films which myself and brothers loved doing with her as we would all take a turn of staying each night. It sounds so simple but little things like that made a huge difference to her and gave her a slight bit of escapism. We also arranged for massage therapists to come to the house, through friends of the family and local hospice so you should ask your care team what is available if she likes that sort of thing. We looked at old photos together and talked about her childhood, we listened to all her favourite music and we planned a tea party for mums friends once she'd passed to remember her, talk about her and give out gifts which she had left for people. She also wrote myself and brothers a letter with the hospice nurse which we haven't opened yet but I feel comforted to know that's there when I feel ready to open it. My mum arranged all of her funeral details, we all wore bright colours, the hymns, music and flowers she wanted and I think this gave her back a bit of control that all decisions were hers. It comforted us also that all her wishes were granted as we would have been lost and not know what to do if we hadn't had her direction. Mum got in touch with a lot of old friends just to say hello and let them know she was terminally ill to say goodbye as well. We had a canvas made with the words of her favourite song and filled her room with flowers cards and photos. I know the situation is different if your mum is able to get out but I think the simple things we take for granted will mean a lot to share with your mum. My mum also couldn't eat but she asked that we bring our dinners through to her room to let her see and smell what we were eating and she also gave us instructions on what to cook etc and i would check with her that I was doing everything correctly, again this gave her some control and  feeling of being in charge. Just being with her as much as you can will mean the world to her. Give her a wee hand or foot massage, wash and dry and brush her hair, put cream on her, paint her nails. 

    I hope that helps. Take care xxx

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    Hi SaraLou,

    If the weather is nice, you could visit some wheelchair accessible gardens, especially at this time of the year when the roses are in flower. Most National Trust places are accessible - you could check online before setting off. 

    If you live near the sea, promenades are always a good place to visit too. 

    Anything that gets you both out of the house and into the fresh air would probably do you the World of good. 

    My Mum had her 70th birthday not long before she died, she really enjoyed having her extended family wth her from the latest grandchild through to her own generation. We had a meal in a country restaurant rather than at her home so she was able to go home to a peaceful home when she had had enough. 

    Best wishes

    Dave

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