Hi everyone, husband terminal now, 2nd bout neck cancer , 5 years ago last year got the all clear , had radical disection/chemo etc , enjoyed 5 great years , came back with a vengeance september last year , small bout of chemo which surgeon told us price of"but we will cos your worth it" left bitter taste as you can imagine , then another gunhoe surgeon offers major tongue removal surgery before having seen his PET scan, so was big mistake to offer as we go back to decline this after two weeks of shall we.shany we..... , and new surgeon says no sorry to late now and actually puts CD in tape deck to record what he tells us!

Now he has weeks left, chemo didnt work well enough ,no other option, very aggressive metastaic , huge tumour like cauli now in crease of neck,he gets angry at slightest thing, I have to walk away as its not him now,  breathing very noisy , sleeps most of day , palliative community nurse pops in ,says no idea how long and im doing a remarkable job like im 16 .....not their fault but feels so patronsiing .

Job hard enough , and living on site harder , some lovely people, some dunno what to say and some really horrible, but of coures I cant retaliate , profesional boundaries hard to maintain as obviously you get really lovely people who you can cry to, but darent , so I put on the brave face , do the job on auto pilot , proably doing me good as iM busy ll day and can pop into him 2-3 times ,hes usually asleep though .

doubt if its long now somehow , I get angry, upset at the silliest things, gonna miss him one minute , be ok the next cos admit hes not the easiets guy to live with when he is well,,,,,but then he my guy ...cant win ....I think Im already greiving though cos ist not him now, doesnt even look like him, so old , shuffling,noise of the catarrh build up awful, we dont eat out anymore ,i make excuses ive eaten earlier , mashing u his food, and as for besd , so far bought 3 mattreses and 12 different pillows , now we are in two rooms as noise of breathing awful, I get the bed cos he cant lay down , he has the recliner chair and im upo 3 times a night cos he dozes off on edge and I worry he will tilt forward and fall . Nightmare , how did it come to this , when will it end ...........now I feel guilty again for saying that

now hes just shuffled in room and aksed if i wnat a cup of tea,,,,,,,,,all solved by tea and we start on the merry go round again

val