Hi Val, welcome to the forum, but of course, sorry for why you're here. I think you are in a very tough situation with your husband's illness. You are dealing with the loss of a good life that you had with your husband, but also dealing with the day to day care of watching his condition deteriorate little by little each day. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. Its' hard enough to know that your husband will soon die, but seeing him suffer day after day certainly takes a toll on you. Is it possible for you to take time away for yourself perhaps a couple of afternoons or evenings, while someone stays with your husband? If you could get a break from it by spending time with a friend where you could focus on something besides his illness, it may help to alleviate the stress you feel.

Come on here to the forum and share your concerns with other members who are also caregiving for a loved one in a similar situation. I'm not a caregiver myself right now as I have cancer myself, but I've certainly had to care for other loved ones with it over the years. It is very stressful for sure and to survive, you must get a break from it once in a while.

Take care of yourself and sending you hugs.

Lorraine

hi lorraine , so sorry to hear about your health too , must be so hard for you toread other responses  but everyone is different of coures at we had an extar 5 1/2 years so cant complain just wish it was quick Its his time

I cant go far as the tumour on the neck is now growing outwards and could burst at any time, have sedation to put under his  tongue and been advised may bleed a lot or not , no idea if its on a vital organ either so I watch and wait , went back to hsp today as hospice worried as tumour grown again in past 3 days ,I think they were warning me it could be horrendous ,have been given all his morphne etc for home incase theisr no bed ,horrendous,  and the noisy breathing can be heard all over the flat , even when ive nipped down to themain door, So hard as I want to shout at him shut up but cant of course .

Took to hsp this morning , cane back to work this afternoon, went up chemist for drugs which werent ready , frustartion all round, then nipped in ocal shopps, then home and there he is a sleep. Hewoke up and said what are you doing! I could clobber him overthe head and get this over with and im sure prison would be a cushy life better than ours now!!!! But instaed I grin and bear it , putkettle on , walk dog ....now tonight is pile of wahsing etc and he cant gi up downstairs to the laundry either!

I hoe your getting the support you need righ now to

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Val, you have expressed everything i am feeling. It made me cry. My husband doesnt have long now either. The hatred you feel for yourself when you think you can not take another day and the times i catch myself wishing id never met him. I love him. Sometimes i wish he would vanish. And sometimes i wish i could vanish. I cant bare seeing him die so so slowly, daily geting worse over 2 years. Cancer spreading everywhere. The man i met, married and love disappearing every day, bit by bit. Not just physical changes, i think i could cope if it were all about physical frailty and the pain, i wasnt prepared for losing his personality and character, the things that made him him.  I miss my husband every day, he would know what to do in a situation like this. I loved my husband and i love and care for this man, but he is not my husband. Much love to you Val.

exactly! spent ages this morning trying to explain pain management and must take pills 4 times a day not  just when he gets headache, he snaps, I snap back, I walk away , I come back, hes forgotton , said sorry i know your trying to help me ,,,,I walk away again ,,,,,,we go round in circles ,

back on higher steroids , so thats 3 cancer specialist and a gp chnaging their minds on dosage 5 timse ,one even said none at all knowing full well throat would close in days , made me so angry -hes not god he hasnt right to choose what day he dies , saw another yesterday and told him just what i thought and he said never be afraid have courage to ask questions and disagree but I said hey ,we havent the knowledge to question thats your job,,, he was very kind but just couldnt see life is in their hands not ours , you darent question them as we all know when you get an awkward customer they go to back of queue , i bet many a Gp Looks on the list and says oh no not him again ........ 

ive worked all day , done the ironing , cooked macaroni cheese for him as he cant swallow well now, then i took dog out again , Im sure he was a taller dog once , his legs are getting shorter with all the walking im sure ,,,,,

,...he washed up wowee, I get bitter ,,,,,,,,I resent .......then I think hes alive , off again ...

Im off out with the short pooch now, then its the bed to prepare , he cant lay down so its a recliner arm chair now in lounge ,battery lamp in case he needs to get up in night which he ineviatabley does and still puts several lights on .......so of course im awake instantly thinkng whats up, oh hes coughing means hes still alive ,,,,,and I think oh just go in your sleep....then I drift off and we do it all again .......and the noise OMG the noise from the throat closing , its like cat on heat ...I wnat to scream shut up but I cant

Hi, me again. I really am on the same page as you Val. There are times when you could punch a hole in the wall. The times when you have worked yourself into the ground and it is never enough and the lights all coming on in the middle of the night, even in bed and lighting a cigarette! I might as well not exist. Most of the time i am just a carer, as if we didnt have a life or relationship before this. I really admire you for venting your feelings on this site so openly. No one else can understand the resentment that can build and the guilt that hangs over you all the time. I am in a state of guilt, resentment, exhaustion and bereavement permanantly. 

I've just been offered some help overnight from the community nurse team, they offer night sits. Could you get that kind of help maybe? And stay with a friend once a week to get away from the noise. Is there any one in the family who would do some nights for you? 

Hi ,been a very hard few days  now, I could see things changing and the tumour snaking around the neck quicker , so wa s in som e way prepared , are we ever though? very mixed emotions for weeks now, its acruel time for the sufferer and the carer and we wouldnt put an animal through this ,

 He passed away early this morning at home , breathing changed yesterday evening and i sat with him till, 1 a,m as he said i think im going tonight dont leave me and within those few wordd you forget how much they have driven you mad at times , its natural, its called living ,and being normal.....it was obvious things changing ,he struggled very suddenly to breath it was like something had opened up in his airway and blocking it ,

Very hard but I felt really calm, was quick and i doubt if he had any pain , probably in his mind panciking for afew minutes or even less and as the oxygen wa s going doubt if he would have known, would have confused the brain, talked to him till the very last and after . Have prayed it would happen this way and not in a cold impersonal hospital, paremedics were really lovely and stayed 4 hours till  he was removed , all very dignified and I count myself blessed to have been with him .

Im a spiritualist medium and I think  my beleif helped us both , hes on his way to a far better place , will always be with me , and as he always said "hes just taking off his overcoat"

whatever you chooose is personal, and if it gives some comfort take it xx

take care of yourself and dont worry about the mixed emotins, no doubt Ill be raging , moaning, regretting and so on in the coming weeks,,,,thats natural.xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Val, I just read your message where you posted that hour husband has passed away. Please accept my condolences for your loss. I'm sure you have very mixed feelings about what has happened in your life in the last months/ weeks, and if you could bring your husband back in a healthy state, you would do it in a minute. Losing a loved one to cancer is a hard road, especially in the final months and days before life ends. I hope you can take some time to recover and take care of yourself because you have been through a very trying time. My heart goes out to you.

Sending hugs.

Lorraine

Hi Val, 

On behalf of the Cancer Chat team I just wanted to offer our condolences on the passing of your husband and let you know that our thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time.

I'm glad that you were able to be with him at the end and it happened the way you wanted it to. I'm sure he heard everything you said and like you've said he will always be with you and his spirit will live on through the memories you had together.

Kind Regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

thankyou lorraine , thinking of you to xxxxxx