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Really scared n broken-hearted

Michaela20
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Hello iv just come across this site .. My dads was diagnosed with Kindey cancer 4 years ago and he had an operation but 4 years on its spread to his chest back where the kidney was and liver he seemed ok then he was hospitalised he has been in 3 weeks today and he kept being sick due in the week and they done a scan and the cancer has spread.. So I went into a room with the doctor and she told me he is at 4stage and has weeks left my heart is so broken iv never felt like this I'm so scared how am I going to cope? I'm a state and he ain't even dead yet? He don't even know he is dying he's chatting away talking about his going to do this n that when his out I think I wanna tell him but everyone saying don't why his spirits are high, but I really don't know what to do. He goes home tomorrow for palliative care. It's my 21 st in 2 weeks really hope he's here for that? What is hurting most is that he don't know he is dying he just thinks he's ok he will get through it?  When they said weeks to me will it be weeks? Is there anything out there that can save him please help someone

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    Hi Michaela,

    So sorry to hear about your Dad - I have an idea of what you are going through.

    Are you sure that your Dad doesn't know? It would be most unusual for relatives to be told, but not the patient. It could be that your Dad does know, but he's decided that he doesn't believe the prognosis, or he's trying to protect you and his friends and family from knowing. Or he could be in denial, our minds often only let us cope with so much bad news at a time to prevent us losing our minds. 

    Saying he only has weeks is at best an estimate. Some people slip away quite quickly and others exceed the doctors' expectations - everyone's experience seems to be different. Are they planning to give him any treatment as part of his palliative care, or is he being offered nursing care alone?

    Best wishes

    Dave

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hi ,and sorry .

    i know what your going through , they said my mum wouldn't last till xmas and she went on for another 4 months so don't be too scared . Its crap knowing it in your head but you just need get on with it and help the best you can . Just don't leave it too late to tell them things and again don't be afraid , it's amazing the friends that come out of the woodwork to just be there . Ones you never knew you had . 

    Take care and a big hug sent , don't do it alone , there's help . TAKE IT ! X

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    Hello Michaela, 

    So sorry you're having to go through this with your father. The only advice I can give you is to just be there for him, keep him positive because believe it or not positivity plays a part when it comes to people's health. Those who are negative can go down hill quite rapidly. Leave it be until it's necessary to say something or when others around you feel it's time to tell him how ill he is. It's very raw for you and has happened so quickly and unexpectedly. I know they've said he has weeks but there's a strong possibility he could be around in months time. There's been plenty who outlive their expectations. Try not to use the time as a countdown but rather spend the time with your Dad and letting him know how much you love him. Be kind to yourself you're very young still and it is a lot for anyone to take on at any age. 

    Like you I know how you feel. I've just turned 27 two weeks ago but last April a week before I turned 26 my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 incurable bowel cancer which has spread to his lungs and liver. From the start he didn't have much chance to fight this and all he'd be fighting for was to have extra time rather than to beat it because that wasn't an option for him. We don't know how long..because he refused to know when he was asked but he was told that his life will be drastically shortened. But we are spending the time with my dad wisely and taking photos creating memories that one day will be all we have of him. You aren't alone my lovely and you'll find plenty of support on here if need be. I can't answer you regarding anything that will save your dad because like you I'm still searching for the answer too... x 

  • Offline in reply to Butterfly89

    You are so young to have this ordeal thrust upon you. I hope you have family and friends to help through it. The doctors only tell tell you any thing when you ask the questions. They have a wealth of experience. Ask the doctors and nurses if they think your dad should know the truth.also they will tell you any thing you want to know about your dads illness. You have had no time to come to terms with this and I know how very hard and soul destroying that is. Be brave for your dad. Bless you. Xx

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    Dear Michaela,

    So sorry for you, unfortunately I really do understand what you are going through. Treasure all the wonderful things about your Dad and plan your 21st for it will never happen again. Try not to think about time as everyone is different  , I am sure that a positive attitude really does help. Our boys were only 18 & 22 which is far too young to have to deal with the loss of a parent, they survived and he would be very proud of what they have achieved so far.

    I am afraid I don't have any magic answers for you just love your Dad with all your heart and keep him happy for as long as is possible. XxX K

     

     

     

     

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