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How Will I Cope After I Lose My Mum?

LinseyPimms
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So over a month ago, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was able to beat it three years ago, and now it's back with a vengeance. It spread to her lung, kidneys and brain. Two weeks after the diagnosis, my Auntie told me that she had spoken with the consultant and was told that Mum has seven tumours in her brain and all they can really do is contain them with radiotherapy, then work on treating the other areas affected. She then told me that she only has 2-3 years left. Mum doesn't even know yet.

The thing is, I'm really close with my Mum. I'm 29 and I still live with her. She's raised me alone since I was six. I'm just worried about coping when she's gone, something I'm sure she's worried about also. Despite my age, I haven't really grown up. I rely on my Mum a lot. Until a couple of weeks ago, I had never bought washing powder. I also depended on her for buying household items, and now it's up to me to buy toilet roll.

She is currently in hospital having her radiotherapy treatment. When she went in she couldn't walk properly and had a couple of falls because her balance has been greatly affected. She had a lot of pain in her neck and shoulder, which has improved with the right pain relief. 

Even with this going on, I still feel... okay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not okay with losing my Mum, not yet anyway. She's only 51 right now. There are loads of things I still want to do with her. Holidays I want to go on with her. I want her at my wedding and I want her to have the chance to be a Gran. The problem is, both me and my fiancee are unemployed. He has been very worried about me. I think I've cried twice in the last month, which isn't like me, as I cry at everything.

I really feel like I have a lot to do right now. I am solely responsible with clearing and maintaining the house. I also have to worry about my fiancee, who suffers from depression. I honestly don't think I've been as tired in my life as I have in the last month...

I'm starting to feel left out of things. I'm the youngest in my family, and an only child. I'm used to my family not telling me things. Mum went into hospital on Saturday night, for what I was told was overnight observation. I then found out the next day through Facebook that Mum would be in the hospital for a couple of days. My Auntie told me when she picked up Mum to take her to the hospital that she would let me know what was happening. On Monday, I texted Mum asking her what was going on because no one was telling me anything. She told me that she had been moved to the hospital where she was receiving her radiotherapy and will be staying for the remainder of her treatment?! Don't get me wrong, I think it's better this wat, but it would have been nice to be told. When my Gran went to visit her, Mum gave her a row for not keeping me in the loop. The next day my Gran phoned me to ask me to get some stuff together for her to take to Mum and mentioned that Mum was upset that no one was telling me anything. She then proceeded to remind me that I'm 29 years old and I have "a tongue in my head". If I want to know what's going on, I should ask. That really annoyed me and my fiancee! I shouldn't have to ask, right? Especially when I was told that my Auntie would let me know. Both she and my Gran seem to be really frustrated with me right now and as usual I can't do anything right. Anyway that's that out of my system. For now...

I told my best friend how bad it is and she's been messaging me every few days to see how we are. My fiancee's Mum keeps phoning every day to check in also. In the seven years I've known her, she has provided me with more support in my life, than my family ever has. She's amazing and very understanding of the situation. She's a nurse who lost her older sister to breast cancer a couple of years ago. She also knows what it's like to lose her Mum.

Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble on. I just wanted to be able to talk with people who understand what I'm going through. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Linsey xxx

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    Hi Linsey

    It's difficult knowing how much to tell people

    Remember that your Aunt is losing a sister too and is also very upset

    When my wife was diagnosed with an incurable cancer we told out kids, who were I think 19 and 20 at the time but we didn't tell them the gorey details, the fact it was incurable, her life expectancy. We decided that we'd tell them if they asked directly - they didn't.

    My daugther occasionally said to her "You're not going to die are you?" and my wife would answer "Not this year". At the end that became "Not this month" - she died on the first of October keeping her last promise - just.

    Thing is you can't untell someone something and sometimes people don't want to know. If your mother is like that and doesn't want to know the details your Aunt is in a difficult position and won't want to go around telling people lots of stuff.

    Sounds as if she's already taking you into her confidence by telling you about her life expectancy.

    You say that people have not really acknowledged that you've grown up and it sounds as if youre only just doing that yourself - it also sounds as if there's a lot of growing up that's going on in a short period of time.

    You need to build this relationship with your aunt - remember this isn't just about you and your mum - she will need support too and if she can come to see you as someone that she can turn to to talk about her feelings and fears and loss that will help

    It sounds as if she sees you as someone she needs to support and you need to change that relationship so that you are two equals who can support each other.

    If you can do that you will also show your mother that you are going to be just fine without her - that will be worrying her and if she feels comfortable with that it'll be a load off her mind.

    Next time you see your aunt start by talking to her about how she's coping with your mother's illness, What she's having to sacrifice through this and let her know you and your mother appreciate it,

    As for cleaning and maintaining the house - prioritise - it'll only get dirty again - cut it down to what's needed to stay hygenic - dish and clothes washing - dusting the silverware can wait! :) 

     

  • Offline in reply to GrahamM

    Hi Graham.

    I'm not sure why Mum doesn't know, my Auntie didn't mention that. 

    The reason I'm cleaning the house is that Mum is unhappy with the state it is in. It's not quite as bad as an episode of Hoarders, but it's not great either. Too much stuff and not enough space. It had been rather neglected for some time I'm afraid to admit. It's a case of gutting the entire house.

    Me and my Auntie used to be really close when I was a kid. She didn't have any children of her own, so she saw me as her daughter and even helped raise me. As I got older we started to drift apart. Before all this happened with Mum, I spent an evening with her and it was the first time we had been alone for years. She's a very judgemental and critical person. When she told me about how serious things were, it was during a lecture about getting the house tidied.

    I do understand that she's losing her sister, but she has held back information before. Just telling me that Mum was going to be moved and kept in for treatment is all I needed to know. Even a text would have been fine.

    My Great Uncle died just over a year ago from Parkinsons. Neither me, nor Mum knew it was coming. He and my Great Auntie, who had been divorced for many years, live nearly an hour away. My Great Auntie phoned my Auntie before he died telling her that she thinks he might not live through the day. My Auntie went through to see him and was there when he passed, Mum then received a text from my Auntie telling her what happened. This was on New Year's Eve while we were out shopping. Both of us were surprised. I had no idea he was in such critical condition. The thing is, she's a paramedic and is used to delivering bad news. So why does she always feel the need to leave me out of things, like she doesn't even consider the fact that I may want to know?

    A couple of years ago she actually told me that she didn't like me. She loves me, but she doesn't like me. Who says that to their only neice? I just thought you'd need a better understanding of her to get how I feel and what I'm trying to articulate, probably not in the most coherant way. I'm not that great at explaining things.

    I think the reason we drifted was because of how I turned out. Mum has always been very relaxed in her parenting. I had a lot of problems in High School. When I was 12 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, and was put on medication that had bad side effects. After High School I did a year at college doing a computer course. Then I went on Incapacity Benefit for a couple of years, followed by Jobseekers. I didn't have my first proper job till I was 21. I worked at a petrol station for 10months until I left to focus on the college drama course I was doing at the same time. I was at college for 2.5 years, then went back on Jobseekers. About a year later I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Agoraphobia (my Gran thinks I made this up to get out of working by the way), which put me back on Incapacity. Two years later I went back on Jobseekers, where I've been ever since, I'm stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. I have no energy or motivation. I have finally decided I want to be a dressmaker and work for myself. I want to work from home and not have to go out everyday. I'm not really an outdoor type of person, unless it's to go shopping or go out for the day during the Summer.

    I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, I'm just sort of rambling on. I think I'm just getting some stuff off my chest, which has made me feel a bit better.

    Thank you for responding though x

  • Offline in reply to LinseyPimms

    Sounds a difficult relationship

    Ideally you'd want to try to improve it - always better that way

    However something to bear in mind - Your aunt is not your mothers next of kin - you are

    You're her daughter you're nearly 30 you've every right to go and talk to your mothers doctors yourself and ask to be told of her situation, But it sounds as if that would be challenging and confrontational for you.

    Here's a thought perhaps give McMillan Cancer support a ring

    www.macmillan.org.uk/.../someone-i-know-has-cancer.html

    They're there for relatives and friends of people with cancer as well as sufferers themselves

     

     

     

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    Hi I am 29 I lost my mum to lung cancer that had spread to the Brain 2 weeks ago.

    No one can give you a time frame your mum would know first, people are guessing and it depends on treatment, I wouldn't listen to anyone but spend time with your mum while you cAn. It's hard to say but you will find a way to cope I've lost both parents to cancer within 3 years and I don't know how to explain it but you just cope.. Sorry about your mum 

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