Hi EH

This is a problem all of us here share in different degrees and timescales. I have gone through every single same thought in my head as you, I also have an exit strategy. However I have come to the conclusion that no one knows in advance exactly when they will die and there are many on this forum that are years past their estimated expiry date.

So the only way I can reconcile it is the opposite of your strategy, the greatest part of living is the getting there, doing those things that to get to your goals. So dont abandon your plans, get that motorcycle, learn how to ride it. Even if you only ride for a few days what a buzz! Dont shut down the plans for your business, get it up and running, and take out the magazine subscription even if you only get to read one copy. Life is for living even if you've got just one day left.

Ive planted some fruit bushes, may never see them fruit but I might and I enjoyed planting them. I have a small business and have continued to work whenever I am able to, profits are down by half, but its kept me from having idle negative thoughts, and kept me in contact with people and the normality of life. I booked and took a holiday. I might not have made it but I did.

You get my drift, youve a lot to fit in during your short holiday, get on and enjoy it. Kim

If I was going to fight it out I would sooo do as you reccomend. But I have chosen my day. I am focussing on things like - oh crap just started crying again ... I hate this!!! *Deep breath*... what meals do I want over the next 2 months, where do I want to go? Who do I want to visit and talk with, what books do I want to read? Movies I want to see? Cramming the next 40-50 years into a little over 2 months.

I am not strong or brave like you and can fight it out. I have seen that sooo many times in my family and I can't go through that. My family has been through this horror show way too many times. And in the end - when we found out my Uncle was dying when he decided to take his own life... we alll agreed it was really the best way to do it if that is what one wants. I am not saying others should do it - just that it is right for me. 

So I guess it is like someone on death row when they know the date of their death.. and have to prepare. And I am not doing it well... * sigh* I want to make all this as easy as possible for my Partner as well yet sometimes I just ... I don;t know.. I am losing it again.. sorry ....

Thank you so much for responding... it means alot - I feel so alone right now...

Hello EH,

I have not long  joined this forum and have not yet written anything yet. I am worried I might say the wrong thing. I was diagnosed with Stage 4 MRCC 5 years ago this May. You ask how do you cope and I honestly don't know but somehow you do. I know I am going to lose the war against my cancer but I try to cope by winning as many battles as possible. I know when I was first told my cancer had come back and was incurable and they didn't know how long I had, I was in an awful rush to plan everything - make a will, plan my funeral, try to sort out my photo albums. The worst pain of all was telling my children. It is a roller coaster of emotions when you have just had a terminal diagnosis. I hate to see you say you feel alone. I am sending you a virtual hug across the internet. Never give up hope. X

Thank you so much hun. I understand how you feel about being worried to say the wrong thing... especially with my die with dignity decision. I understand it isn't a popular one in many places and causes unique problems since it isn't legal here. I am trying to shield my soul mate from as much as possible so he can be there when I am in desperate need and am overwhelmed and not overwhelmed himself. So I am keeping alot to myself. 

I am not living with hope. I have chosen the day to die.. I can't fight. I have seen that time and time again and I just can't do it. I have all the respect in the world for those that can tho.

If you ever want to talk off board feel free to message me. Hugsss

Hi EH

It's kind of traditional to say I'm sorry you find yourself on this forum, it's not a great club to be a member of.

I don't know what sort of cancer you have so hard to comment

My wife also came from a familly with a lot of Cancer 3 cousins her brother died 2 months before her and her mother died of the same cancer 30 years to the day before. It's genetic but we recently discovered my daughter does not carry the gene

Mel's brother had a rough time in his last months so I know where you're coming from - thing is that she did not - she spent 3 years on chemo with barely any real symptoms until the last couple of weeks when she went downhill quickly with bowel complications and there was an infection and after 48 hours or so I took the decision that the antibiotics were just slowing the inevitable and had them stopped.

After that she just really slipped away, she was on a syringe driver that automatically delivered a super powerful synthetic morphine in at a constant rate and after a few hours of slowing breathing she shuddered and died.

Like I say not everybody is that lucky but often they are - I'd go for an ending like that given the choice, but I guess you know more about what sort of ending you would otherwise have.

Bit odd legality isn't it you can't kill someone but you can withdraw treatment that is keeping them alive - does rather sound like splitting hairs doesn't it?

It was a bl**dy hard decision to take but also an easy one because I knew its what she would have wanted - you say that you think that this isn't a popular one - I think you'd find a lot of people here would say it should be legal.

I for one think its a <expletive> disgrace that the assisted dying bill was defeated because of the simple cowardice of MPs who are happy to let people go abroad for it but don't want to worry their conciences with allowing it here - talk about letting other people do your dirty work - absolutely disgraceful.

Anyway for what its worth my wife's strategy for dealing with her imminent demise was simple and, for her very effective. She simply pretended it didn't exist. She often said she'd make a good ostrich. I think she understood that allowing yourself to think about it only results in the paralysis of terror you describe and serves no benefit and so she just pretended it wasn't there.

I'm not sure we're all as skilled at self-deception as she was but for what its worth that was her technique and it served her well.

You might think her brave - I don't think she did. There are different sorts of bravery, there's the reckless sort of soldiers storming machine gun nests with pistols, the stoic sort of uncomplainingly accepting your fate and then there's the active controlled bravery of saying "I won't take the exit route you have so kindly laid out - I will take my life in my own hands and deal with it as I decide"

I think that takes a special sort of bravery and not many have it - especially when it involves questionable legality and the risk of upsetting your nearest and dearest and you have my respect.

I hope the date is not too immediate and that you have time and health to share some of your last days with some of the wonderful people on the forum 

Hi again EH

Im sorry you are in such a low state right now. Can I ask you what type of cancer you have and what stage its at. I'm neither strong or brave. But I do have a passion for life. and there is no fight involved. The big question for you is this. How do you know you have 2 months left to live? truth is no one knows, not you and not any expert. You might have much much longer of good life left so dont give up on it now. I too do not believe in god plus I dont believe in life after death. If there is no life after death then you would not be waiting for your partner. Can you take this chance? It is better to spend as much time with him now as possible rather than end it early. There are all sorts of palliative treatments available to give you quality of life, all you need do is ask your care team.  keep well Kim

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and tell you that I think you sound like an amazing and brave person. xx

Hi EH

Wow, you are being really brave to make such decisions about your future. My husband has terminal cancer and if he said he wanted to end his own life I am not sure how I would respond apart from the fact that it is his life and therefore his decision.  I also told Alan that after he dies I ill join him when I am ready. I wish you well, sending hugs to you both xx

Hi,

I know it's so hard when you hear this need but pls never give up the fight.

I was told on nov 20th last year I had less than 3 months to live and the doctor said he'd be surprised if I made Xmas and do all treatment was stopped.

I'm still here and feeling good , so good that the oncologist has started me back on treatment.

My point is , life really is precious and worth the fight for whatever extra time it buys you.

Please stay strong and like another comment suggested live your dreams while you can.

sending hope and love x.