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Dont know how to feel

SydB
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Im 21 and my dad has been battling cancer for nearly 10 years. It began as prostate, progressed to spinal and now liver. Hearing my dad had cancer was heartbreaking however over the years its become easier to deal with. He was a fighter and even though he suffered terribly he still got up every morning and tried to carry on with his normal day to day activities. Now his cancer has spread to the liver and his bones hes a shadow of his former self and the more time I spend with him the more it hurts to see him  deteriorate. Ive found myself trying to avoid spending time with him, its almost like im distancing myself because I know he'll be gone soon so being distant will make it easier to deal with. I dont want to lose my dad as hes literally the best dad in the world and has raised me to be a person im proud of, but I know i'm going to have to face it soon. I dont want to be upset about it but I am, I dont want to cry but I always do and all because I want to be strong but my emotions are like a rollercoaster. 

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    Hi Syd

    Yeah we all want to be strong but when it comes to it its not that easy

    In a way I was lucky - My wife had cancer for 3 years but was pretty free of symptoms for all but the last couple of weeks so we were spared seeing that gradual decline. My kids are 21 and 22 and when they got to the hospital and my wife was barely concious and on tubes my daughter couldn't stay and said she just wanted to remember her as she was. I can imagine that she'd have had real difficulties facing what you're facing and I think she'd have felt the same as you.

    I don't think she regrets that decision - if she does she hasn't confided that to me but it sounds as if this is your last opportunity to spend time with your dad so be sure to use them wisely - if that is limiting the time you're spending to limit the hurt to yourself - fine as long as you're sure wont regret it.

    It does require considerable person strengh even bravery to see it through to the end with a loved one - My son spent some time with Melanie but he left before the end, she wasn't concious then.

    I don't think I'd have had the strength at their age, at your age and I'm sure you wont be judged whatever you decide to do  

  • Offline in reply to GrahamM

    Thankyou grahamM. I can definetley relate to how your daughter felt, I also feel like I want to remember my dad as he was before the cancer took over. Based on your experience I can see that its okay to feel like that but I think I will try to spend as much time with him as I can. 

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    Hi Syd

     I think everyone has different ways of dealing with such a sadness.  I lost my husband and my children their Dad (they were older at 29 and 32) after his three year journey with Mesothelioma (in the lung linings). in January this year.  We saw his deterioration, both from the cancer and the palliative chemo which he tried to extend his time with.  I personally think that was the hardest thing I have ever been through.  No one can be certain of when that last visit/goodbye might be and in the event neither of my children were here when my hubby slipped away and they both felt differently about it at the time.  However you decide to spend time with you Dad I would just say enjoy the  moment and say what you would like to say so there are no lingering regrets.  A friend of mine put her thoughts down in letter format and her partner read it at his leisure. It bought them both some comfort.

    Crying is nature's release and none of us can be strong 24/7.  Be kind to yourself and if you go with your heart you will not go far wrong.  Take care.  Jules

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    Hi, Syd, please don't try to second guess how you will feel when your dad is gone.  Trying to distance yourself will not make it easier when he isnt here, you will probably wish you had spent the time with him.  And how do you think he feels, because he will realise you are trying not to spend time with him and he will , I am sure, be upset.

    I have a feeling you will do the right thing because you sound kind and caring. Oh, and if you want to cry, just do it.  Don't suppress your emotions and let your dad know how you feel.

    Wishing you and your dad all the very best Syd! x

     

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