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73Allingham
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I'm new to this forum but am glad that I stumbled on it by chance.  

My Mother has terminal lung cancer and has been in hospital for 2 months now.  Initally the doctors didn't think she would last mmore than a couple of weeks but she did.  They then advised that I move her to a care home which I did after careful consideration but whilst there she was hit by a member of staff and was removed back to the hospital.  During the last 3 weeks she has been getting worse but what I find the worse if that her personality has changed.  She was never nasty - but is now. She calls people names and actually swore at me yesterday.  My Mother has always been a perfect lady and I have never witnessed this side of her.  

The doctors want me to look at another care home this weekend as they feel she has 2 months left and therefore doesn't warrant a bed in a hospice but after the last time I feel very uneasy.

She is now doubly incontinent and has to be fed - she now won't even wear her false teeth.

I feel as though I am looking at a totally different person - one whom I don't recognise.  My emotions range from great anger to deepest pain and at times I just feel immune to everything that is going on.  

At times I just prey that the end comes soon and then I am filled with regret for even thinking this.  Christmas used to be so much fun, we didn't do much - we'd watch rubbish tv, eat too much, drink too much and just had a laugh but this year it's all different.

Have anyone's elses relatives had their personality altered? 

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    Hi

    Welcome to the forum though  sorry to read the reason for you being here.  I think many who read your post may relate to changes in personality. Unfortunately both the cancer, treatments and medication can all affect how our loved ones respond plus they have to deal with the diagnosis themselves as well as the effect it will have on their family members.  My husband lived with a terminal diagnosis for nearly three years and everyone's lives changed from that moment on.  In his particular situation he showed no anger but withdrew into himself and did not wish to talk about his illness as he could not cope with the emotions of it all.

    It is awful to think that your Mum had to deal with abuse at the first care home she was placed in and no doubt she feels pretty frightened at the thought of moving from the hospital again.  I wonder if your local social services can give you and the family some guidance.  You  will always want what is best for your Mum and maybe a chat with her GP (if she gives permission) would be somewhere to start.  Does your Mum have a palliative care nurse or MacMillan contact you could talk with.

    Many here will relate to how hard it is to watch those we love suffer from the effects of cancer and just try and remember that its the illness that is causing your Mum's anger/personality changes and unfortunately it is those they love that are in the front line at these times.  Hope you can get some support for yourself and then, in turn, for your Mum so that she can be kept as comfortable as possible during what is a very difficult time.  Regards Jules54

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    Hi,

    I've been in your shoes and I'm currently partly in your Mum's, so this is difficult to respond to, but I''ll give it a go.

    First off - cut your Mum some slack and look at the facts:.
    She has terminal Cancer;
    She has been assaulted by someone paid to care for her;
    She has the added indignity of being incontinent.
    She is scared and frightened.

    Secondly - cut yourself some slack.
    Your Mum has terminal Cancer;
    She's been assaulted (which you naturally feel bad about, but can't put right);
    You are worried about her, and scared for her.

    For what it's worth, when my Mum was dying with Cancer, I found myself seeing her not as my Mum but as another, frightened. human being for the first time in my life. Our relationship changed, but for the better - Adult-Adult, rather than Adult-Child..

    Try your best to be there for her emotionally, ignore the swearing (our social inhibitions fade when we are facing death and pain) just try to remember she is your Mum and needs your love and support.She may not say so, but she will appreciatre you being there.

    Best wishes to you both.
    Dave
    x

     

     

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    Hello there.

    This is horrible, and thankfully my wife's passing was much easier but this there is a not uncommon thing called terminal agitation. Take a look here:

     

    www.hospicepatients.org/terminal-agitation.html

     

    Chances are that it's not some nasty hidden side of her that she's suppressed and is coming out now but to do with her condition.

    Hopefully that'll make it slightly easier to bear

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