Graham

Thanks for starting this thread and bringing up an important but difficult subject.

This is something everyone, not just those of us here at cancer chat need to discuss. A pre paid funeral plan is often a good route to go as your basic wishes will be written down and it takes a huge pressure off of your loved ones at a very difficult time leaving just a few details to be taken care of. Also make a will and keep it up to date. This is very important, the death of a loved one invokes all sorts of irrational emotions, and your last wishes set in stone can be one less area of conflict. Ive seen families wrenched apart at a time they should be supporting each other and pulling together. Age UK has some good literature on planning a funeral. They also have a good little booklet for you to fill in with details such as your bank account details, your electricity, gas, phone, supplier etc. where you've left your will, and many other details your family will find useful after you've gone.

A funeral is for those attending it so for many of us we wont care about the format. Personally I would like it to reflect my life, my beliefs, how I lived, without disrespecting the different beliefs of those present.

It is best to discuss all these things while you have enough energy and health to do so and not put it on the back burner until it is too late. Kim

Hi Graham,

As the others have said, this can be a difficult subject to discuss, but by doing so, can make life so much easier for those left behind. 

My mum is currently sorting funeral arrangements for an elderly relative and the Age UK booklet that Kim mentioned has been a godsend to her, as aunty N had the foresight to fill in her details and wishes. Mum is also looking into a prepaid funeral plan for herself and my stepdad as she is astonished how expensive the funeral arrangements for aunty N are! £3000 and rising! 

My partner and I have discussed my wishes and I am compiling a 'My Wishes' list, but as yet, I haven't felt able to mention its existence to my children or parents. I guess I will know when the time is right. We also intend to start investigating Funeral Directors.

I do have a tendency to be a little obsessional, finalising every detail, but my family know what I'm like, so it won't really come as a surprise, and I hope it helps them at a terribly stressful time. 

Yes the cost of funerals is quite astonishing in places - maybe I'm cynical but they know that you're unlikely to "shop around" and that they've pretty much got you when you walk in the door.

Having said that I had arranged my fathers funeral a couple of years before - so I'd already got a venue for the reception, planned to print my own order of service which are areas where they "add value" and take commission.

Probably the best value was the Humanist Celebrant who put in an awful lot of time and effort and charged us £200 - compare that to the funeral directors bill for £300 for just picking up my wife's body and taking it to their chapel of rest!

The other nice touch was our florist who offered a service for a few extra quid where they picked up the flowers from the casket spray at the crematorium and split them up into little posies and brought them to the reception so people could take them away and have them for a few days rather than let them rot at the crematorium 

I guess I got quite involved in organising the details and it really helped me at a difficult time - I guess that's just what I'm like and I know that not everybody is like that.

My only regret was the comedy moment at the end of a stunning beautiful service when the music played, not a dry eye in the house and I walked up the chapel thanking people for coming only to meet a big bouncer of a funeral  director with shock on his face and arms outstretched saying "You cant go out this way!!" - so we all had to turn the crowd around and go out the proper exit door - a real Monty Python moment :c)

That must have been an upsetting end to your wife's service, Graham, but I'm sure everyone will remember the beauty of the rest of the service. 

It's interseting that you say about funeral costs varying depending on where one resides. I know mum would have liked to explore other undertakers, but Aunty N actually stipulated in her final wishes, which directors she wanted to conduct the service. My step dad has actually designed and printed the order of service  sheets - less expense but also more importantly, much more personal. 

Actually it wasn't - it had been such an intense service and we were all so immotional that when a big crowd of us all had to turn around  in a big muddle like something out of Monty Python and the Holy Grail it was so funny and we all fell about laughing - Melanie would have loved it!

Yes it is a nice personal touch when you do as much as you can yourself - definately best to go into the undertakers knowing what you want to do yourself and what you want them to do. Picking up the ashes was another thing - I told them I'd do that - no idea what they'd have charged to drive down and do that but I'll bet it would have had 3 digits in it!

Can relate to the 'laughter moment'.  At my hubby's celebration of life (funeral) one of his life long friends had asked to  have the priviledge of giving the eulogy.When he was asked to come forward I suddenly felt tap on my shoulder and in a very loud voice he said ' is it time to do my bit then; I think I heard my name'. It was just one of those moments that  you cannot prepare for.

Talking of costs, we kept everything basic when we visited the funeral directors (who were lovely). The family's flowers were placed on my husband's parents' memorial and the funeral directors 'plucked' a single stem for both myself and our children which was a lovely touch and we were able to have them on the table at the pub afterwards (this was held at hubby's usual Friday night out spot and the 'locals' joined us to raise a glass - special memories for a lovely man). We had no order of service but over 100 mourners followed everything just fine. A few weeks later the funeral directors sent me a bouquet of flowers and as a family we were given the utmost help at such a sad time and no pressure applied to use 'extra services'. The money donated in lieu of flowers (the only request I made) went to two charities which meant a lot to my hubby.  As the anniversary of hubby's death approaches the leading funeral director has been in touch to see how I am (you cannot pay for that kind of thoughtfulness).  Jules