I'm really struggling to cope I can't seem to come to terms with the fact my mum has terminal cancer and hasn't got long left. I cry a lot and im just lost this ugly disease has also ripped my family apart and it's just terrible.

I served 15 years in the Army and was medically discharged after being wounded on operations then developing PTSD a mental health condition that led me to suicide attempts and very vulnerable and to being bullied out the armed forces by the people who should have been helping me. I was discharged end of 2014, I'd started getting my life together and learning to stand proud again and embracing life again and starting Martial arts again and having a gorgeous fiancée and beautiful daughter life is good,

A few months ago I'd received a call from my sister mum had a stroke, I travelled to Scotland to visit her in hospital from North East England where I live. She looked very frail and her speach was gone and her moto functions in her right side had gone by looking at her I knew it wasn't a stroke (im in the medical profession) the doctor took me and my mum into a quieter place to inform us that they had found tumors in her brain but need more tests done to see if it had spread from elsewhere and best course of treatment ect....

I left mum and went back down South my sister stays near her and was doing her best with her then the day came for mums tests and diagnosis, turns out it was lung cancer it spread to her brain. My mum is a long term smoker and knew the risks but nothing prepares you for that .She was also told that it wasn't good treatment wise and was asked if she wanted to know her survival rates and time she had left statistically which she didn't .

The news hit us all hard and for whatever reason my family started to implode with me and my sister falling out to which may I add im sorry for my part in and hope we can talk again at some point.

About this time my fiancée fell pregnant we should be happy and be celebrating but the news hit me hard and even though was over the moon I still had a lot of sadness in me.

My mum has a companion he's been about a while he's very good to her and the pair of them are old fashion in there ways but care for each other so much he also isn't doing good he has an Anurism near his heart that can't be treated and he doesn't want to they actually have a £1 bet for the person that goes 1st.

I've delt with a lot of traumatic experiences in my life and ive struggled and kept going even when I watched my friends die needlessly and watched and tried to help people in different country's fight for there life's even in people you don't know or people that tried to do me and my friend physical harm I wouldn't ever give a 2nd thought to helping and giving them the chance to live, I just can't understand now why I feel so helpless its my mum suffering the woman that brought my into the world that cared for me when I was sick why the fxxk can't I help her? Why can't I do more? Why isn't there a cure? And why her? This is my anger and hurt talking in my eyes hurt and anger are the same beast by a different name.

I don't know how I'm suppose to be or act, my mum through all this is strong a lot stronger than me she hasn't got long left and is enjoying the rest of her life and getting by but it's not fair life isn't fair but we struggle on regardless time is precious and waits for no one and is also the greatest healer of all wounds you never forget but you do move on with life and eventually I know the hurt will get easier but right now it feels like being shot again but 10x worse I have so much I want to say to her and I want her too meet her new grandchild and see me get married but I don't know if she will.i do know one thing is that il hide the crying best I can from people especially my mum because if ever in my life I've needed strength and resilience I need it now.  Thank you for reading this story if your on this site then we all have our stories to tell any feedback is greatly appreciated and I wish you all luck and happiness in life.