Hi Wileymoo ...... welcome to the forum and I am sorry to hear of your Dad's diagnosis after he had been through so much with colon cancer.  It is a huge shock to hear such news, I know because I am in a similar situation to your Dad. It is sad that you feel so alone with it all and I hope that now you have joined the forum, you will find some support to get through the dark days.

Your husband sounds like he doesnt know how to deal with things and often 'denial' is the easier option.  It must be very difficult for you to cope with his indifference at a time when you need him the most.  How is Dad coping with it all?     x

Hi Wileymoo I'm so sorry to hear your story and I know what you're going through. My dad had colon cancer too many years ago, he and my mum didn't tell us though, I assume to protect us, just saying he had to have an op as he had a blockage in the bowel. They couldn't hide it though for very long as he needed chemo and it was the scariest time of my life I was 27 at the time. A year later after we assumed he was in the clear it came back into his liver. He stayed at home lost weight and in the end due to other stuff went back into hospital. It's a shock and scary to lose a parent, you're never ready no matter how old you are and I'm so sorry that you feel your husband isn't taking much notice to what you're going through right now when you need him most. Is he close to your dad? Do you think it may be because he doesn't want to deal with what's happening right now? I've only joined this site a few days ago myself, try to be strong, it's hard I know and speak to your husband on how you feel, tell him you need him to be there for you xx

I am so sorry to hear you are in the same position as my Dad, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through xx My Dad is ex military so he is dealing with his illness like it's just another challenge in life. He's had to retire from his job which has been the hardest thing for him as his whole identity is wrapped up with his work and he isn't the kind of man to have hobbies. He's struggling with not being in control of his illness so he's setting himself projects like renovating the house, this is driving my poor step mother a bit crackers bless her :-)  My husbands father has also been diagnosed with cancer last month but his is 100% treatable. I've been really supportive of him and his family but I've not received the same support. The thing that really pisses me off is that he and I are both psychiatric nurses, I feel he should know better! 

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, I agree that it is so hard to lose a parent. At least I am kept updated by my Dad and step mother about his illness and treatment. My husband and dad have never been very close. They're very very different people. My husband is relaxed and lives in the moment. My dad is driven and ambitious, always looking at what to do next.  I tried to tell my husband last night that I really need to be able to talk to him and for him to sometimes just hear me. It ended in a huge fight and he stormed out. He came back 2 hours later and refused to talk to me and slept in the spare room. This morning he has got up like nothing ever happened!! I daren't try to address his lack of support again, it feels hopeless. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm focused on the fact I might not have long with my Dad as he could get run over by a bus tomorrow apparently!!!!!!

Yes he should know better, I guess the way we all deal with things like this are different to each other and unfortunately you're not getting the support you need which is slightly selfish of him. You sound like you've got it from all angles, worrying about Dad worrying about your husbands Dad (thankfully treatable) so I think if you had your husband to lean on right now it would ease a lot of the pressure. You've got a really stressful job too, you could do with a break from it all by the sound of things. All you can do is take each day as it comes (easier said than done I know) but I think you've done the right thing registering on here to know you're not alone, maybe talking to strangers and letting off steam will at least help a little bless you :-) xx

We all react differently to illness, there is no wrong or right way. I think sometimes people think if they don't talk about it , it doesn't exist.  My brother texts me several times a day making sure I am okay but when I told him my cancers were incurable he just said he didn't want to hear it or talk about it.  So I just pretend that all is well. Have you thought about speaking to a counseller - Macmillan may be able to help or if you have any of the Cancer Charities like Helen Rollason.  

Hi Wileymoo ...... Thank you for your kind words - I was wondering how you were feeling today?  It must have been very hard for you trying to cope with your husband's reaction when you tried to talk to him yesterday and I wish I could just give you a hug!  He is right that he could get run over by a bus tomorrow, but (in the words of Dr Peter Harvey) you have seen the bus coming and dont know when it's going to stop!

I do hope that you dont mind me asking you, but has your Dad had a second opinion regarding his diagnosis?  I have BC that has spread to my liver and was told the same as your Dad by my oncologist at the time.  However, I did a bit of digging myself and found that other health professionals felt very differently and advocated surgery to extend my prognosis.  My health was declining quite quickly and I underwent a liver resection 2yrs ago, after being told I had 4-6 months left to live.  I then had another tumour regrow in my remaining liver which was deemed inoperable by two liver surgeons as it was growing around a main hepatic vein which I could not afford to damage as 65% of my liver had been removed.  A radiologist told me about a technique called Nanoknife that removes cancerous tumours without destroying blood vessels/veins/structures and, to cut a long story short, I had the procedure 18months ago and it worked well causing no damage to the hepatic vein.  A further two 'inoperable' tumours have now grown, both on major veins (they have a lovely blood supply on which to grow there!) and I am having Nanoknife again on Wednesday to destroy them.  A friend here on the site has just undergone the same procedure on 7 liver tumours after being told chemotherapy was her only option.  It is an easy procedure to go through, with an overnight stay in hospital, and a short recovery time.

In my case, because of the nature of BC spread, I know my disease is not curable but these procedures alongside chemotherapy, have extended my prognosis considerably and who knows what treatments may become available over the next few years - things are improving at a vast rate.  The clinic where I have had the Nanoknife has been very encouraged at its sucess at treating formally inoperable cases on suitable candidates with colon/pancreatic/liver/lung tumours, and others I can't remember without looking.

As I say, I hope you dont mind me mentioning it, but I wouldnt be able to forgive myself if I didnt impart the information I had learned along the way as, even if it  helped just one other person, I feel I should let you know that these treatments exist eventhough you, or even your oncologist, have not been made aware of them.  Some may be available privately only, but some are NHS.  If you would like any more information about what liver treatment I have had, pleae dont hesitate to ask and I will find a way to email you away from the public forum.

I do hope that you and your husband can find a compromise in helping you deal with what is happening to your Dad and send you my best wishes and much love x

Thank you for sharing that information about the Nanoknife procedure. My Dad had some tumours removed and the liver resection, as in your case, more tumours grew in the "new liver" and one in particular is too close to A major hepatic vein also so the surgeon would not operate. The hope is that the current chemo regime might shrink the particularly troublesome one so surgery might be an option. I will call my Dad tomorrow to chat about Nanoknife and I'll have a Google for more info too. Fortunately his has private health insurance through work so even if options are limited on the NHS, he might get lucky if he can pay - we are aware that we are very fortunate to be in this position. I am pleased to hear this procedure has improved your health and I wish you all the best on Wednesday xx

You're right, everybody has their own way of coping and I might have to accept that this is his way and come on here to seek support when I'm feeling alone. I did think about talking to someone at our local Macmillan centre but I'm so used to being in the therapist role that it's hard to be honest and vulnerable with someone face to face. I worry that I'd just cry (which I know is ok) but I'd be really uncomfortable. It's something I will keep in mind though. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it does mean a lot x