Hi Jo, welcome to the forum, but sorry you are here for the reason that you are. It does take awhile for the full impact of hearing a terminal diagnosis of cancer for a loved one. You seem very devoted to your Mom and certainly doing your best to provide as much care as possible. I get the impression that you are working and you stop in on your way home? Perhaps you need to check out In Home supports for your Mom. I'm not sure what services are available where you are, but her doctor should be able to direct you to an agency who can help. You don't say if you have family members who can pitch in, or if your Mom lives alone. In any case, probably start with her doctor, or your local cancer society. People here on the forum understand how difficult this is for you, so come on here anytime and write down your concerns, fears and frustrations. It does help to do that. I'm sure someone will be along soon to respond to your post.

Take care and hugs to you.

Lorraine  

Hello Jo,

Like Lorraine am sorry to see the reason behind your visit to the forum but there are some truly lovely people here who I hope will respond soon.  I can truly relate to your feelings (it was my husband diagosed with terminal cancer) but please know you are doing what you can, when you can.  I had these doubts even though in the same house.  Its just that we are dealing with the shock of hearing the news, fear of what comes next, where to go and what to do to  help the best we possible can and all this on top of the huge sadness and emotion we are having to face at losing a loved one.

It could well  be that your Mum already has been placed in the care of a palliative care team through her hospital consultant but I know this varies from area to area if you are in the UK.  We had (am in Middlesex) both palliative support via the hospital and then community nurses attached to our GP surgery and like Lorraine has suggested, your first port of call would be to  your Mum's doctor.  If Mum lives alone you can also ask to have a key safe fitted (it took just 24hrs for ours to be supplied) so that care staff can call in (even if Mum cannot get to answer the door).

I am sure it all feels totally overwhelming and hope that you too have emotional/practical support and do not be afraid to ask friends and family for  help.  You are definitely not useless as  you are doing all you can and just  being able to see  your Mum day to day will mean a lot to her. My husband wanting nothing more than to see people being 'normal' and I know the loss of dignity is something  that is hard to come to terms with.  I will be forever thankful to our care team who helped me to understand and respond in the correct way to preserve as much dignity as is possible though to be honest seeing a loved one so ill was a hard emotional rollercoaster.  This forum gave me somewhere to come and be understood. Jules54

Hi

​Thank you both for your replies. Mums health deteriorated over the weekend and she was taken into the hospice this morning. The doctor at the hospice and mums MacMillan nurse hsve both said its just respite care for a couple of weeks, but she looks so ill. I dont know whether they really believe she will be home in s couple of weeks or whether they are just trying to keep her spirits up.

​It's for such horrible reasons anyone posts in this board but I'm really glad I found it, everyone understands what each person on here is going through, out of all my friends only one has been through something similar, so although they say they say they understand they don't really. One friend even said the other day for me to stop worrying as my mums a fighter and she'll outlive us all!

​Thanks to anyone who reads this xx

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Hello Jo ..... I have just come across your post and wanted to say how sorry I am that you and your family are going through so very much. Please ignore the thoughtless remark your friend has made - she has no idea what you are going through.  I am thinking of your dear Mum and sending you all a huge virtual hug.  Keep posting whenever you need x

Hi Jo

Am sorry to read your Mum is very poorly but from my experience of hospices (one for best friend and one for my Dad) have both been very positive from the care and attention they give people and probably with more dignity than in a normal hospital ward.  Its a hard road you and the family are on but as Max says please ignore the insensitivity of your friends remarks.  People just do not have a clue until they have faced  a situation themselves  and sometimes are at a loss as to what to say and then speak before they think. Hope the respite care helps your Mum feel more comfortable and please do post whenever you need to on the forum. Sometimes it just helps to write down your feelings. We unfortunately do know what you are going through just now but you are not alone when part of this forum.  Sending a virtual hug.Jules

Thanks your lovely kind words Jules and max it really does mean a lot. Its so good to be able to discuss things with people that genuinely understand.

​Mums blood tests have shown an increase in white cells which indicates an infection so she's started on antibiotics, we will just have to take each day as it comes.

​Jules, I started a diary shortly after mum was diagnosed just to help me vent my feelings at the end of each day, I have found it helps massively, if anyone reading this is struggling to cope I would recommend just writing your feelings down at the end of each day, its easier than talking to people and getting the sympathetic nod and tilt of the head, you can also swear as much as you want and no one cares:)

Hi Jo

Hope the antibiotics make your Mum more comfortable soon and the day to day approach worked for me (still does).  I agree that the writing down of feelings/ thoughts can be a kind of release (I began writing our journey down (on the computer) and then found this forum and the support that goes with it.  I will be forever thankful. Do let us know how you are getting on as and when you feel able.  Regards Jules x

My mom passed away on Sunday with cancer at a Marie Curie Hospice.  She had cancer for the third time.  She also had a broken back plus other illnesses and was bed bound for months.  We watched her deteriorate fast last week.  We tried everything to try and keep her with us.  Second opinions, drugs, everything but unfortunately it has been out of our control medically.  We had to battle for everything.  Even for the diagnosis.  Being discharged a number of times saying there was nothing medically wrong with her.  When we knew she wasn't right. All we could do was help and care as much as we could.  We have been drained of energy in this battle with the medical profession.  Left scarred and scared for the future but I know we did absolutely everything we could.  Mom was a happy bright person and loved life.  I am proud of who she was!  So stay strong, help with her care and do all you can to help and get support from whoever you can.  It's only been a few days for us so it's raw.  We are now dealing with the funeral.  

Think of the good times, talk about the good times with her before any deterioration because my mom deteriorated very very quick.  Show her that you are strong which in turn will help.  Make sure you have everything in order.  I feel for you as I truly know what you going through.  Three times for us and this time there was no turning back.  A massive loss to our family.   

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