I just need people to talk to who understand, at the moment we are in a dark scary sad place and I can't see how life will ever be happy again.         

Dad was dx with lung cancer in feb 2012, in January 2014 he was dx with fluid and a collapsed lung and in June 2014 he was dx with angina. Dad has been nothing short of heroic throughout the last 3years, never taking a day off sick, going to work before and after chemo and radio each day and never once feeling sorry for himself. Sometimes it has been easy to pretend life was 'normal' and forget the cancer- if dad carried on so strong then why shouldn't we try.     But all that changed, dad began feeling worse last November, what began as occasional nausea became more frequent and impacting on life- regardless dad still attended work. Then in feb this year we were hit with the sledgehammer that the cancer had spread to the brain. What followed was a whirlwind of sadness, dad took  surendering his driving license hard, it wasn't just a licence to drive it was a licence to freedom and independence, all my dad had known since passing his test, he enjoyed driving- lovely car, good music on the radio and a sense of calm was achieved. WBR was offered and dad ever the fighter grasped it and the hope that it may get rid of the worsening symptoms. Of course without a doubt dad would go radio in the morning and work after, tho had to cut his hours down as was so tired. 

Radio finished and what followed was a decision by the onc to start chemo- docetaxel- a regrettable decision that I believe has worsened  life quantity and quality. Dad had one infusion and was plagued by side effects- bed ridden-nausea, sickness loss of appetite. Dad had to stop chemo-this was 3 weeks ago. The onc reffered  dad to the palliative team but said that if the side effects passed dad could try a different treatment- this gave us hope that dad could get better- he hadn't been to work in 2 weeks and was mostly in bed-boy how wrong we were. Dad did show slight improvement, even managed to return  to work but half a day wiped him out and since then there has been a rapid decline. 

Dad has lost over 2 stone in weight his voice is but a whisper- he has trouble eating and feels nausea if he does- he has horrific coughing fits. He is so skinny and so weak he can barely walk up the stairs or stand up he spends most the day in bed and when awake he is withdrawn and stares into space- a space of deep sadness. He loves his Grandaughter my daughter so much but this past week he has easily gotten angry with her, he spoke to me the other day and said he wish he knew how long- how long he has to live. I asked if he was scared and he said he wish he knew how it would happen- he said he is sad. Everything is so painful- I can't explain how my daddy has changed from a strong sturdy man- always the joker and so amazingly clever and kind- my best friend. He is now so weak so skinny, so sad withdrawn and quiet. There are rarely even the slightest glimmers of who he really is- a man who loves food now is lucky to manage a slice of toast and a bowl of cornflakes in a day. 

My mum is struggling so much she cries and gets so upset so much- she is doing so well but this is her partner her best friend her husband of 35 years (this Sunday) and this is my daddy my beautiful brave daddy! Cancer has stripped him of everything- not only a future but even the slightest of health to enjoy the present day- he has got so bad so quick there has been no time for him and us to share precious moments and fulfil wishes. I can't imagine my life without my daddy, how do we get through this I hope for a miracle- why does this disease take the good the honest the loving the valued and the loved! 

I just have so much I need to get out I just can't translate it into words- instead they lay heavy on my heart and haunt my every hour.