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Mum is dying

Nicolak
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My mum was diagnosed with liver cancer caused by breast cancer in December last year and in March a day after my daughters first birthday we were told it was terminal and she had 2 months. She's in pain all the time and I don't know what to do. I have two young children and I feel I can't do much for her. Tonight she had been rushed into hospital as they think she could have a infection in her drip that could kill her in a few days. I really distance myself from seeing her because I'm so scared. I don't have my dad it's always just been her and without her I honestly don't know what would happen. I find myself telling people she wasn't a good mum when we were younger and I think I do it to try to make it not hurt so much. I have to be strong for my children but the last few days my mum has cried non stop and that hurts me more than anything. Her frail body shaking all the time and her little eyes filling with tears telling me how scared she is. Tonight she cried in my arms telling me that she's scared this is the end and I had to tell her it's not she's ages left but I don't even believe that. She's just not my mummy anymore. She's someone I don't know. She's so frail and skinny. She doesn't remember anything and it's just like she's gone mentally. She used to be the strongest person I know but know she's half the person she was. Just a shell. I don't know what to do. I have to get on with life for my children and I feel that helps but I feel guilty. Like today I heard she was being rushed in and I just got up and made dinner and played with my daughter. I think it's because I won't except her illness. I don't have anybody to talk to about it. My family have all fallen out over it as everyone thinks everyone can do more etc and I feel guilty for that but I can't bring myself to watch her die. I'll always have my daughter with me and I'm always running around after her and I feel I can't talk to my mum because she forgets and I get annoyed as my daughter runs around and trying to deal with mum it gets too much. On Tuesday its her birthday and to think she might not be there breaks my heart. She won't she my brother get married or my children grow up. I hope this make sense I know I've just rambled.

 

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    Hi Nicolak, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. Coming to the forum was a wise decision on your part though, because people here are very caring and supportive. You won't find people to be judgemental on here and we understand how difficult it is for families to be dealing with cancer of a loved one. It seems like it brings out the best, or the worst in people when they're scared and upset about hearing this kind of news. You say that you can't be around your Mom while she's going through this, but it may help you if you can find a way to be an emotional support to her. Even though she is really ill, she is still the same Mom you've always had, but just now she is really ill and scared herself. If you can manage it, perhaps it would help to have a consult with her medical team to find out what assistance is there for you and your Mom, and perhaps the rest of your realtives who are struggling. I'm sure they could suggest some way to work this out.

    Come back on to the forum here and let us know how you are managing. There is virtual support here for you, but you also need some help with the people involved in your Mom's care.

    Sending you hugs

    Lorraine

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    Hi

    My mum was diagnosed with secondary cancer last year and died 2 months later, it is all a whirlwind.  Like Lorraine says we all deal with it in different ways.  I went into robot mode, I put all my feelings aside to do everything I could for her.  I'm a single mum with 2 toddlers, one of which is disabled so I do know the pressure and I also know what it's like to watch your mum deteriorate.  I was at the hospital pretty much every day and one day I was on the phone to my cousin saying I didn't want to see my mum that evening cos I've hardly seen my kids and rushing back and forth to hospital everyday but I did and I'm glad I did cos that was her last night alive and I would have regretted not being there.  She died the following morning and I was there and have to live with that picture in my head but she was scared and didn't want to be alone and I was able to give her that and also remember our last words and our last evening together.  Even though I did do a lot, I regretted that I didn't do more cos I could've done more but hard with young dhildren and I know she understood that.

     

    Your decision is completely your decision but this is your last chance to find out what your mums final wishes are so you can carry them out and say the things you've always wanted to say but didn't, I certainly don't have regrets on that score.  Think how you will feel afterwards if you bury your head in the sand?  Will you be able to live with it?  Will you have regret?  Or can you show your mum what a strong woman you are and a good mother to your children so she can go into the spirit world (or whatever your believes are) not worrying about you.

     

     

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    Hi Nicolak

    All your crazy emotions and thoughts and actions are completely normal. None of us has a dress rehearsal for this situation, and we all react differently.

    One thing you have to do is visit your mum and talk to her or just be there, even if its not an apparently normal conversation and shes forgetful, she is in there somewhere and trying to make sense to you. Beleive me its hard on strong painkillers to communicate sensibly. On her birthday do what you would normally do for her birthday as best you can.

    Its really tough for you I know,  but its even tougher for her. She hasnt the strength to be "your mummy" anymore, from now on you will assume that role.

    When you spend time with a person who is dying you are not watching them die, you are keeping them company, in years to come you will realize what precious time this was that you spent with your mum.

    Heartfelt best wishes for you and mum and your family.

     

  • Offline in reply to kimchoson

    As i write this i lie by mom who has had breast cancer and now back in her lungs. Everything going ok we knew no cure but took he tablets. Apart from the wxtreme qeight loss she was doing better. Tuesday she was sick and then taken to.hospital suspected heart attack. They did tests and heart finenso hey think the cancer is at the back of the heart. Now sunday she.is dying in front of my eyes, no turning back. I have no siblings but have a husband whonis disabled, a.son wih half a heart so isnlife limited and 4 other children. I keep sobbing i want it to stop. My mom is my best friend and my rock for all i have been thru, who will i caĺl to ask how to make batter, just chit chat on the phone and visit everyday. My children love their nanny i dont know how Orif i.will get through this.

    . My dad just walks around cant face seeing her so poorly im 42 and feel like12 again, lost. I hve loads of support but just not my mom xxxxx

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    Hi Nicolak

    I completely understand how you feel because I found out my mother is terminally ill last Monday.  It has been the worst hearbreaking experience of my life.  My mother is my best friend.  I am 46 but I feel like a lost 12 year old school girl all over again.  Seeing my dad going through this experience is also heartbreaking.  I feel like I am about to crack up at times.  My anxiety has shot through the roof and at the moment I feel like I am unable to go on with life. I just don't see the point anymore.  I am truly heartbroken at the thought that she may not see me get married.  I haven't even set a date yet but it is something that prays on my mind.  How do you deal with these feelings when they are there first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

    I am thinking of you

     

    Sue xx

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