My Mum got diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer on Tuesday. She's been ill with sickness and diarrhera since before Christmas, but she thought it was related to another illness she was having investigated. She had surgery yesterday morning, but the prognosis isn't good. The cancer is aggressive and has spread throughout her bowel and into her stomach. The doctors and nurses have been great in looking after her, and have been very upfront about my Mum's prognosis. They told us yesterday that she's got maybe 6 months, probably less given the aggressive nature of the cancer.
My Mum has gone from being healthy and independant to lying in a hospital bed with a tube in her nose and relying on a drip as she can't eat or drink. She's terrified, but she's trying to protect me, my brother, sister and grandchildren. She doesn't know how bad it is yet because she wasn't coherent enough to speak to the consultant yesterday after her surgery, but I know she knows it's terminal.
My brother has gone to pieces. My sister is trying to stay strong for my Mum and her children.
Me? To be honest, I feel like I'm some kind of freak because I'm being very calm and practical. I feel guilty for not crying because I think that's how people expect me to react. I did let go and cry with my husband once I got home on Tuesday night, but I know crying and feeling sorry for myself and my Mum won't solve a damn thing. Regardless, I feel guilty because that's what I think people expect of me. All I can see at the moment is getting her healed and well enough to come home, so we can take it from there. I'm not going to break down in front of her because that's the last thing she needs to see.
I feel like I'm being heartless and selfish because I'm continuing on with my life. I'm working and studying. I've not cancelled any plans and am reorgnising things so that I can go visit my Mum as much as I can while she's in hospital. I don't know what else to do other than distract myself when I'm not with her.
My Mum and I had a strained relationship after my Dad died suddenly in 2008. At that point, Mum was drinking heavily and she said some things that really hurt me. (My Mum was an alcoholic for as long as I could remember and was on a particularly bad binge just before my Dad died.) I couldn't cope with her being drunk all the time and I felt like I couldn't grieve for my Dad, so I cut her out of my life for two years. We reconnected after she stopped drinking and my then-fiance-now-husband told me I'd regret not having her at our wedding. (He was right.) Since then, we've been working on rebuilding our relationship.
I don't know if that's why I feel the way I feel, or if I am some kind of freak for being so calm and practical. I need to be strong for her and in front of my siblings, but at the same time, I feel like I'm expected to fall to pieces. I want to be strong for my family, be there for my Mum and make the time we have left together count. I want to help make some more good memories to keep with me.
Thanks for letting me get this all out.
Nyxx