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Can't cope with watching mum's pain. Why, why, why?

Allie
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I'm sorry to anyone who reads this because I'm so desperately sad that I don't know what to do other than rant and let it out. I'm shaking even as I type. I'm just beginning to feel that I'm going insane with grief. My poor, poor mum is so ill and, we've been told, in her last few weeks. As well as being in her bones and lungs, The cancer has spread through the membrane between her skull and brain ( which apparently is unusual) and has affected her face, her ears and now her sight. She has always been such a bright, intelligent, warm wonderful woman and now she can barely hear and her sight is fading. It's all happening so fast and I'm railing at the world today. I'm usually a really positive person and I've been trying to cope just day to day and stay really positive for mum but I feel like I've hit a brick wall. My energy is gone. I'm so angry with everyone and everything and I hate, hate HATE feeling this way. I'm not particularly religious or anything but I have my own spiritual beliefs and I just can't reconcile anything I believe with what is happening to my mum. It's so unfair and cruel. She's being so incredibly brave and stoic but for the first time today she began to cry. She didn't make a fuss, I just looked and the tears were rolling down her cheeks. It tore me apart. All I could do was hold her and cuddle her and tell her that it was ok to cry and that I loved her. I don't know how much more we can all stand. I've never known pain like this. I don't want her to feel like this. I know it's often said but she truly has never done anything to hurt anybody and doesn't deserve this. All I do when I'm alone in the car is cry. My children don't know the extent of things so I have to hold it together for them and although my lovely husband is supportive, he runs his own business and is so busy and stressed I don't like to burden him too much. My dad is in denial, I think, and is not the most caring of people which does not make things any easier. How do I cope?? I don't want to go to pieces because mum needs me. I'm sorry, I'm rambling and ranting but it's preferable to screaming out loud which is what I feel like doing. If anyone reads this, I promise I'm not as crazy as I must sound.

  • Offline in reply to Allie
    Hello Allie, your posts are a few years old now but I found them tonight after returning from the hospital feeling "Broken" My story is so similar to yours. My amazing, strong, caring mum is lying in a hospital bed as I type this, her cancer has now spread to her spine and she is so terribly sad to finally come to terms with the fact that she won't be returning home. She's scared and for the first time since she was fist diagnosed with this horrible disease she has been crying and apologising for it. She's been so strong and there for my whole family, all our lives. shes my best friend and I'm devastated that I'm going to lose her but watching this stage of the disease is worse that I ever imagined and I leave the hospital with tears streaming down my face and cry my eyes out and so as I get into the car. My poor dad is so lonely since she went in to hospital a week ago, none of us realising that she wouldn't come home. They haven't been apart in 63 years. My older brother and sister leave me to do all of the hard work and Im so angry at them for not being as supportive as me after everything she has done for them and her grandchildren. I want to scream at them. I just hope that my poor mum won't have to suffer for much longer as it's breaking my heart to watch her so scared and vulnerable. I may be writing this to no one as your posts are from 2014 but it was the first thing I've read where I could totally relate and it helps to put the words to paper so to speak. I hope that your lovely mum didn't suffer for too much and I hope that you are happy now with your mum still in your heart. Xx
  • Offline in reply to knoxy18th
    Hi Knox, wow, it is a long time since I visited this site. Your message took me by surprise. Reading what you’re going through has brought it all back to me so vividly. It is always, always there....I’d be lying if I said it ever leaves you, but on a day to day basis the rawness does ease. I’m so, so desperately sorry for what you and your mum are going through. I wish I could say something that would ease it or make it all go away. All I can say my love is this. I was as close to my mum as it is possible to be. She was my world and my children’s world and watching her go through what she did was the worst pain of my entire life. I truly thought that I couldn’t cope, that I could no longer stand it, that I was going insane with the pain and grief of it all. I lost her on the 9th February 2014, not that long after I posted the message you read. It was surreal. I alternated between numbness and grief so deep and intense that I just felt like running away. If I hadn’t had children I think I may have done. Everyone told me that time would help. I never ever believed them, I just assumed that everyone telling me that had never loved anyone as much as I loved mum. I won’t lie to you, it’s hard, it’s so very very hard but I guess that is the price you pay for a deep love. But I can also tell you that actually it’s true...time does help. Honestly, honestly it does. Please trust me on that. The pain never leaves you, some days I still cry and cry, but it does ease. The day to day constant raw pain eases. It took me a good year to start feeling that way. I had a bit of a mini breakdown in the December after she died and I ended up at the doctors. I’ve been having grief counselling ever since and it does help. I never ever thought I would say it but when she actually passed away there was a tiny tiny part of me that was pleased that she was no longer suffering. That was something that I had to hold on to. I also understand your anger at your siblings. My anger was directed at my dad because he just buried his head in the sand and my sister and I were left to do everything. You will be full of anger and hurt and every emotion there is. It feels like you are full of emotion and there is no positive outlet for it. I felt that way and that’s why I found this forum so helpful. I’m glad my post spoke to you. It’s a good thing to know that your feelings are shared by others. Please do feel free to contact me again as your journey continues. I’m more than happy to help in any way that I can, even if it’s just to listen. Sending you strength. Keep going and take care....I’m proof that you can and will get through this xxxxxxx
  • Offline in reply to knoxy18th

    Hello Allie and Knox.  Sorry you Knox are going through this at present.  It is 35 years since my Mum died of liver cancer; she was 70 which was no real age at all.  I can still see here clearly in the hospital bed but as Allie says the pain is no longer anything like so bad.  I find as I get older that I can still recall the intensity of the bad times and also the good times but they are not so bound up in my immediate existence.  I am thankful for my loving parents and the upbringing they gave me.  Over the years I  have lost more loved ones and their existence has contributed to the person I am today.  Don't know what it all means vis-a-vis our lives but I do know that they have all contributed to the good bits of me (I will take my own responsibility for the not-so-good bits).  This is a very hard time for you and it doesn't pass quickly but gradually you will be able to pick up some of the life you were living before - but of course minus the person of your loving mum.  Her memory will live on with you forever though.  Best wishes.

  • Offline in reply to katielouie

    Iv never done this before but just feel I need to chat, Iost my mum 3 days ago I'm only 28. Iv watched her suffer for 2 years and thought I was ready for the day I would be told that my mums fight is over I generally thought I would just take it on the chin because iv had 2 years to accept what was going to happen, I cried non stop for the first day but now nothing no tears?? I feel guilty that I'm not crying and worried that I will break when not expecting it? I go back to work tomorrow (my choice) I work with the public and I'm nervous that I will break when I'm serving customers?? I left the house to go to the shop today for the first time since and felt so nervous like a different person walking down the road dreading seeing anyone that nos my mum has past because I don't want them to ask me how I'm feeling is that normal? I have 2 children my daughter is 11 and was very close to my mum (her nanny) and has hit her bad but she's acting so strong and I feel I'm letting her down because I'm completely ignoring what has happend when I think I should be talking to her??? 

  • Offline in reply to Bruceisgreat

    Hello Bruceisgreat and welcome to the forum.  This is very early days for your loss and if my memory serves me correctly you have found yourself in a strange new world where your mum - who has loved and cared about you all your life - is no longer with you.  Don't be hard on yourself and don't feel you have to react in a particular way.  Some people cry buckets non-stop others don't.  It doesn't mean anything whether you do or not; people just react differently.  I went back to work quite early after the death of my father - he died in hospital with pneumonia; I worked with the public also and I was okay as it filled my mind dealing with other people's problems.  I didn't go back to work after my mum's death so quickly as my parents lived some distance away and I wanted to spend time with my dad.  Yes, people will ask about how you are coping - don't worry if you break down.  It is good that people want to reach out and you would do the same in their place.  We are all human and many of your friends and neighbours will have suffered similar losses.  Yes, I think you should be talking to your daughter - she needs to have her feelings validated and not bottle them up inside her.    The best examples of helping children cope with death in the family was when I cared for a near neighbour.  His entire family came to see him several times a week including the youngest children who were kept informed at all stages what was happening and when their beloved grandad died they arrived with the rest of the family to say their goodbyes. Because it had been treated as though this was a normal part of life (which really it is) they knew and understood everything that was happening.  Some cultures deal with death in a better way than others and they were great.   So share your feelings with your daughter, answer her questions and she will feel that she is being included in what has happened and also that she is being considered in the midst of what has been happening.    Please don't worry too much about showing weakness at work, in your neighbourhood and with your family - it is the natural way to react.  Do keep in touch if you are struggling - lots of people here will know what you are going through.  Annie

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    Dear girl

    You are there for your mum, when my daughter found out I was ill she cut all ties with me and won’t answer my calls or texts. 

    I personally am so proud of you for being so brave for your mum. Your mum knows you care. 

    She won’t be expecting you to keep it all in so don’t feel you have to. Just being there is all she needs. She is a lucky woman .

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