Hi clairew

Sorry to read about your father's situation. It must be stressful for your family.

Our specialist nurses will be able to offer you some advice about this. 

You can contact them by email or via a free landline number if calling from the UK.

Please come back and let us know how you are getting on,

Best wishes

Jane

Hi Claire

I am very sorry that you and the family are having to go through this but just wondered if, being an alcoholic, your Dad had a temper before his cancer diagnosis or whether you have only had problems since diagnosis/treatment began.. Though I have no medical knowledge I do have a friend who had bad mood swings/halucinations with Oramorph and do wonder if there may be some connection(she was switched to something else which worked ok).  Could well be worth mentioning his side effects to the medical team treating him as they may be able to prescribe an alternative. Also if he is swigging from the bottle he could be taking too much (or even too little) which could have consequences.   With my husband's medication for lung membrane cancer he has been told that he may enjoy a drink in moderation but that overdoing the medication  could cause increased side effects or even make the medication  not as effective.  Hopefully a chat with the specialist nurses that the Moderator has suggested will help with some of your questions too. Take care of yourself and do come and chat whenever you feel the need/have time.  kind regards Jules54

Hi Claire, I'm sorry to read of your situation. Regarding your Dad's memory situation I think that cancer itself together with drugs can affect a person's memory.  I lost my Mum just over 2 weeks ago, she was in her eighties and before diagnosis I felt she had a few memory issues.  However during her illness this situation got increasingly worse.  She was on Oramorph but only in small dose, ( I think it is important to take the correct dose as I'm sure this can have an affect); I will never know just how much of her memory loss was attributed to the disease or how much was a form of dementia, but I suspect the disease played a bit part.  Obviously your Dad will be going through many different emotions and anger is probably one of them.  If he is drinking heavily I am sure this would also have a big impact; alcohol itself is a depressant and often can make situations worse.  It may be a good idea to get some advice from his medical team. I hope you can find a positive way forward as this is a difficult situation for yourself and your family to be dealing with.  Take care.  Hope

Hello Claire,

I am no medical expert, I just speak from experience (lost my own Dad a year ago).  My Dad was put on morphine a few months before we lost him.  What happened with Dad at one stage was that the morphine had built up in his system and / or, they had given him too much.  This resulted in him being pretty confused for a few days until they sorted the dosage out better.  I would be asking your Dads medical team to look into this just in case.  There was also a stage of Dads illness where it was really difficult to speak to him - he would be really sad or really angry (to the point where I would be a bit frightened of him, although I hate to say this now he is gone), or a mixture of both - perfectly understandable given that he was struggling to accept that after all his fighting, his cancer had come back and was now terminal, but during that stage, it was so difficult to know what to say to help Dad.  (Luckily he got past this, the illness didnt really give him much of a choice - and in his last few weeks we spent some very precious time together)  Anyway, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad.  I would try to get some extra help from your Dads GP or medical team with this for your Dads peace of mind as well as your own - I do hope that things get better for you all. Kathryn x 

Thx all for your replies.  We had another "emergency" call off him this morning as he still isnt taking his new pills, so he is in pain, but its like talking to a brick wall.

We phoned the st peters hospice nurse who sees him who is/was going to look into arranging for him to rent a stairlift which will solve a lot of problems.  He is severely constipated, but doesnt take his medicine for that either, but instead bins it and orders more to make it look like he is taking it.

Got the doctor out to him, he didnt mention he was in pain at all to him, we were hoping he'd get put in hospital so they could at least monitor him for a few days and deal with his bed sores and pain levels.

The district nurse also called in, and rather than mention that he wants to rent a stair lift, he asked for a comode!!!... now this may sound a bit harsh, but my father is a dirty swine, always has been, he hasnt washed since Feb (before he was diagnosed) through choice, before that he last washed at christmas, again through choice, he only washed then as he came to us for christmas.  He still insists he doesnt need a wash.. he stinks, plain and simple.  Me and my mother have offered to wash him, he refuses.

The nurse told him the comode would only have to be used for wee'ing... and it would have to be poured down the kitchen sink!!!  He's fine with this, he's been pee'ing in the sink when he gets visitors anyway (even though he has a bottle).

Now, she told him, it would not be for number 2's, he'd still have to get to the toilet for that.  I told him point blanke if he starts poo'ing in it, then there is no way I can go up there with my kids, as the youngest is 2 and inquisitive to say the rest, and the whole house is far from habitable, there are bare wires sticking out the walls.  So tonight we get a call saying its ok, he's going to poo in it, but he's worked out if he gets someone to dig a hole outside his patio doors, he can bury it in the garden, or he can put it in carrier bags in the kitchen bin.

He is spitting food onto the floor, through choice - he has a rubbish bag right next to him on his tea trolley.  He's leaving hypodermics left around from his blood thinners he takes due to having a stroke a few years back.

Am seriously wondering if this can be classed as a mental health issue to get him treated in hospital or sectioned.  O.o  It cant be normal! 

I am getting to the point where I feel sorry for him, but he's turned down or cancelled every single carer and bit of support that has been arranged for him, he is making mine and my mothers life hell and making no secret of the fact he's enjoying it.  He doesnt take his meds in order to get attention, and if it wasnt for the pain I'd go so far as say he was actually enjoying himself and having everyone on call.

At our wits end now O.o

Hi Claire

I am so sorry that you and your Mum are having to deal with such difficult behaviour with your Dad especially as you have tried so hard to get him help.  He does really sound as tthough he cannot deal with himself especially as he is refusing to co-operate with those trying to help him.  Unfortunately as you say he had issues even before his current diagnosis I am wondering if he has depression/mental health issues.  Having a mother who has suffered with mental illness all her adult life the only advice I can give is to call for an assessment of his situation and also wonder whether the hospice could offer a few days respite care. It is a sad fact that some people just give up on themselves and will not accept help as they think they are 'normal' and nobody else matters.  I wish I could offer more suggestions.  I would say that many years ago my Dad had the unpleasant task of having my Mum sectioned under the mental health act as she would not accept help voluntarily (refusing to wash, co-operate with family/authorities were the norm) but I dont know if this is something available for you to consider.  This was very had decision but after spending time in a mental facility they were able to treat her in controlled conditions and three months later she was back home with him after which she continued to monitored (still is now that she is very elderly and in care).  Hope you can find a way to help you all. Take care as I am sure it is taking its toll on the whole family. Jules x

Hi Claire,  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I think Jules has given you some brilliant advice.  It is so difficult to watch somebody deteriorate with cancer and both the person affected and the family will be going through so many emotions.  It sounds like your Dad has so many issues that it would probably be wise to get some professional help.  I know when my parents were ill our district nurses were our first port of call, ours were very good and perhaps yours could point you in the right direction to seek some more help regarding the mental health issues you describe.  It will be difficult for you and your Mum whatever road you decide to pursue but I think you can only act in what you consider to be in the best interests of your Dad.  Thinking of you.  Hope x

Thanks for the advice both, I think I'm having a bit of a better day today with dealing with things.  Things seem a bit more in perspective.  Yes, he's always had mental health issues, although would probably never admit it himself, which I think mainly a lot is caused by the drink just adding to his anxieties and issues and spiralling them out of control.

The St Peters nurse came out to see him today and my mother was there as well as his memory is more or less totally gone now, which is such a big difference in just a couple of days.  Thankfully he is getting the stairlift sorted tomorrow (kind of kicking ourselves now for not thinking of hiring one sooner) "fingers crossed".  And she is looking into sorting out proper carers (the last ones were hopeless and just spent all their 1.5 hours a day on the phone) which can at least go in and make him breakfast, help him to the loo before we go up later in the day.

I think he has pretty much given up on any chance of survival now - we knew he wasnt going to make it, but he still was planning next summer and saying the docs had given him 2yrs (which they hadnt) - the doctors have given him a DNR to sign (surprised it took them so long really), so hoping he also signs that as it would be our worst nightmare if he passed on and was resuciatated just to go through more pain until it happens again.

He has his new meds, and hopefully is going to take them starting tonight, so hopefully that will sort the pain out.

Fingers crossed hey!

Hi Claire

Sounds like something of what you have been saying to your Dad is sinking in and I do hope that if they get new carers in place and a stairlift (you can only do so much especially we you are fighting a 'grown man') the time he has left will be a little more comfortable for you all.  Certainly if he can be persuaded/reminded to take the medication  that should help him cope with the pain.  Its very sad that you have to go through all this at all but with the support of the service providers I hope you and your Mum will manage some rest from time to time.  The forum remains a good place to chat  and share as we all have to offload from time to time.  Take care. Jules xx

Hi Clairew,  I'm glad to hear that things are a little more sorted for you now, = I hope you get some good carers in place. I had excellent carers for both my Mum and Dad (I requested same agency for Mum)  and it really made all the difference, they were so kind to my parents and to me and some even came to my Mum's funeral as they had looked after her for 8 weeks.  Sometimes when you are dealing with this terrible disease you just feel so desperate and then the situation seems even worse, hopefully once all the services are in place things may be a little calmer.  It will still be difficult but I hope you and your Mum can find some peace in knowing you've done everything you can.  Hopefully your Dad will take his medication too.  Thinking of you.  Hope x