Hi Hope,

It was really nice to hear from you.  More so to hear that you are also beginning to find some source of direction and meaning.

For me I realized it has to be with others. I can't and wont find direction and purpose alone, and whether I would have chosen it or not, have to look to the future horizons.  For those future horizons to be happy I am not (and Debbie would not have wanted me to be)  sitting there looking at them on my own.

There are others out there equally stressed ~ as I was ~ by what life has done to them and wanting to live again too.  It's just a matter of finding that kindred spirit who also understands you, as you do them.  Finding the right kindred spirit on which to rebuild then becomes the issue: finding the right solution.

However, until you are up to it and willing to start looking, your are not going to find them.  It is unlikely you will be lucky enough for them to bump into you by chance!  This is the next step once you have normalized the horror of acceptance.

Thank you for your input Hope.  I appreciate it.

Lots of love

Ian x

Hi Jules,

I hope you have got over your busy weekend and that it has led to a productive week? ....looks like a pretty blustery day ahead ~ man and dog flying with lead, I think ....and I bathed him yesterday with dog shampoo!!

Kind thoughts

Ian x

..today it became clear to me that however much I am moving on .... it is still all right to cry, out of a sudden wave of sadness for my loss....

It is okay to do this.

Ian x

Hi Ian

Bet you looked a bit windswept when you returned from 'walkies'.  Thoroughly enjoyed getting away from it all and hubby managed whole weekend with only two extra pain tablets and only one short nap - very proud of him as we also walked a bit too.  I had Monday off too and it was extremely quiet as he caught up on lost naps by sleeping for most of the day but the steroids do seem to have helped his appetite and he enjoyed a few extra tipples with no adverse effect too.  We also have one amazingly good photo of the two of us (taken by friends as he did not want to go down the official photographer route supplied for the Saturday night do).

Back to work today and its like I have never been away - need to plan next holiday break.

As for crying, its always okay (managed one such session in the privacy of our hotel room when I could not handle AULD LANG SYNE at the end of the evening - what a wuss)  to show emotion and just proves you have feelings and need to get some release.  Sending hugs and peaceful thoughts.  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

I am having a busy week which suits me.  Yes its always the same .. once you get back to work the little oasis of a break becomes bounded in space and time and reduced in significance...very sad.  But you sound a little more upbeat for the break and I suppose that's the real benefit.  You know you can both get some joint enjoyment out of selected shared events .

Yes I have been windswept all week and it looks like for the weekend ahead ~ I have to say the novelty has worn very very thin with me now: it's threadbare!

I am the same I tend to prefer to cry out the emotion alone.  It always seems better that way!

Big big hugs back

Ian x

Hi Ian

Hope you and Jack have managed to stay on your feet. This weather is really throwing everything at us but feel for the people who are being forced from their homes due to the terrible flood waters.  The most we have had to endure here is big puddles and some downed branches (have weighted down the dustbin with a brick after it went walkies).

Having a day watching Winter Olympics today so pretty lazy.  Hubby has re-found the biscuit tin and seems to be enjoying the 'dunking' experience again though did have to take a morphine top up yesterday evening to feel better during our evening meal.  Our son and other half came for dinner and as we had not seen them since Christmas it was great to catch up on all their news and have a play with their Westie - bundle of fun.  Hubby has finished his course of steroids and has a rotten cough at present (lingering on after the cold but apparently not a chest infection). Community nurse coming in tomorrow to check on pain management and as I will be at work suspect I will be left to 'read the folder'.  Hubby lost the bet he had with himself as the folder was left by District Nurse on Thursday (again when I was working) and he had thought I would pounce on it as soon as I saw it.  My self control must be improving as I did not pick it up until late evening much to his surprise and my amusement when he told me he thought I would read it within an hour of being home - at last a spark of his humerous side!!

Have a good week. hugs Jules xxx

Hi Ian,

Your forward movement is wonderful to hear, your understanding of it is incredible, and so well worded.

However your windsweptness is not unique, I used to have a hairstyle but I am alright now.

love and hugs

Annabelxx.

Thanks Annabel,

I was just re-reading 'Debbie's Thoughts on ....' and having a few tears, so your post above and the smile it brought to my face was most welcome.... thank you xx.

I have actually started seeing someone! Yes! and it feels right to do so, and I know Debbie would be happy for me to be finding some happiness: she would have wanted it.  The new lady and I just seemed to click and are very comfortable in each others company and laugh a lot ~ most of the time ~ when together or texting ! .....

There is a life out there beyond the sadness .... it is there .... it can be found ....it's just finding it ..... and being so grateful for the chance to feel you can enjoy living again ! .... Debbie's still there within me reminding me to be a better person for the experience ~ and I don't forget that.

Lots of love and hugs

Ian xx

Hi Jules,

Thank you.  It is still very early days ... but it takes the inward focus off and away from the constant searching for direction, or the reasons to accept and want to move on beyond the coping with sadness.  They are very similar emotions though.  Sadness to gladness.  Sadness for loss and gladness that there is a possible reason to be excited in getting up.  Looking forward to enjoyable company and sharing possibilities for a future: tomorrow or the next day.

First steps on a New journey in this New World.

Lots of virtual hugs.

Ian x