Good Morning Jules,

Thanks for your wishes..... Yes a New Year awaits.  I am hoping to get through this next period - through to the first anniversary of Debbie's death!  I want that day to speed through but am concerned to how I am going to feel afterwards?  This year has been very different; at times scary, exciting and with hope, yet set against a constant reflection of what we were going through together the previous year.  Once I am beyond this time, My "last year" ~ won't involve Debbie ~ and I think it's going to feel a little more lonely and somehow tougher!  We'll see.

Kind thoughts and a big hug

Ian xx

Hi Ian

Hard moments await us all and I suppose how we deal with them is sometimes testamount to who we are/have become/will be.  Unfortunately no one can replace the love you shared with Debbie but family friends (and perhaps the forum too) can keep you company during the new journey you find yourself taking.

I spent Christmas making new memories (unspoken but cherished) with the family.  Our journey is ongoing and took a bit of a hit on Christmas Eve when my hubby's siblings broke the news(after a few glasses of dutch courage) that they were selling their respective houses in Surrey and Herts and plan to buy together in the Isle of Man.  Apparently they have spent most of 2013 planning it and were trying to find the right time to tell my hubby (as his elder sister feels vulnerable within her own life), waiting until the final decision had been reached though several of her friends knew.  We wish them well and await the outcome to their visit to I.of M in the Spring.

I will continue to hold you (and many of my virtual friends) in my thoughts and hope we can all have some good days amongst the turmoil that cancer brings.

Take care,  peace and hugs, Jules xx

Hi Jules,

"Happy 2014". I guess its going to be a tough one for us both but for different reasons.  I really wish you well for my heart and hope things become easier and less problematic for you as the year develops.  You have been a great friend, ear and support for me this year and for that I am oh so grateful.  You can consider 2013 to have been a success Jules on that basis alone ~ thank you x..

But  what now of me: on the edge of this new frontier?  New beginnings, I hope.  A new focus, and purpose, to emerge as each page of 2014 becomes written.  Emotionally though, as I paper over the cracks, I am coping better although with a very, very heavy heart.  Let's hope this year can bring some joy.

As this year ends, I share with you Debbies facebook message on the first day of 2013 ~ she had but 19 days left:

"Aim for 2013: Never take the simple things for granted. Today and each and every day is a precious gift to be used wisely however limited we might be. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE OUT THERE XxxxxX"

Ian xxx

Afternoon Ian

Thank you for such kind words and personally amjust very grateful to be part of such a wonderful community.  You, and those reading and listening,  offer a corner to hide within when somehow we cannot reach out to those around us (for so many different reasons).  An extra special thanks must go to you for sharing Debbies well written words which have already helped and will continue to be a source of comfort and yet must be heart-wrenching at times for yourself and your own children.  Rest assured as long as this forum exists people like you and me can use others' strength to cope day to day.

Today I have spent several phone calls trying to sort out our 'silent'landline.  The 'robotic' voice on the helpline of our provider said we did not have an account with them despite us having an account number to quote (oh please save me from technology) but finally through 'online' live chat we sorted an engineer for visit on the 2nd.  You can imagine my surprise when an hour ago our bell rang and there was an engineer.  We are now 'sorted' (it was a fault with the overhead wiring even though the original 'fault' test told them no problem and it must be our equipment!!). Such good service and a lovely young engineer too.  Am able to relax now as the reception on our mobiles has been a bit iffy due to weather conditions nodoubt and I dont like to think of the care home being unable to contact me in an emergency.

Sending you peace and good wishes for the New Year and onwards.  Jules xx

Hello Ian,

I got my head around some computer problems the other day and managed to get  Debbies thoughts up to read. Which I hadn't been able to before although I had wanted to. I was very touched by her thoughts and really understood her thoughts towards the end, mostly through conversations with patients from my past whilst I was a ward sister some years ago now. ( Okay quite a few years ago)!!!!!!

I am not sure what I want to say but I suppose with seeing photos of both of you it hit home because you suddenly both seemed very real( as opposed to virtual).

I think it's made me think about writing things down myself, I always seem to shy away from it, even though it's been suggested to me before. I am not a MR. or Mrs Wordsmith(unlike my husband) but I could still write about things , that could help others. Indeed I found out this afternoon that I have already helped a friend through sharing my own experience, and she has now been checked out and is all good.

I hope you have plans with company for tonight and wish you good health and some happiness for 2014. Long may we continue chatting.

Hugs

Annabel. xx

Dear Dear Annabel.

A Very Happy New Year to you xx.  I am glad you were able to access Deb's thoughts and I hope they were of some use /help?  If you can keep a diary/ journal I do believe it is helpful to others.  There is too little written, for those new to to this, to learn from.  It is still, for many, a taboo that needs debunking.  It seems each experience is similar but unique in its own way.  To help others in the future is a worthwhile legacy I feel.

For me, it is a difficult time as Debbie's anniversary comes around.  I am filled with hope and optimism for 2014, yet still riddled deep down with a sadness that I am not able to share 'all this' with her and that she doesn't know I am coping ~ albeit not so well today ~ without her.

But I had a nice New Year Eve evening at friends and am keeping positive as Debbie would have wanted.  I just need to find a solution for 'happiness' in the face of all this.   It is this that I must seek, now, with some earnest in 2014.

Please keep on talking when you can ~ I value my virtual friends here.

Big virtual kiss

Ianx

Hi Jules,

Seems I spend all my days getting wet walking the dog .... then drying him .... and then getting wet again!*!  Bit like the start of last year.  It seemed to be in mourning till April!  Stuck inside I am trying to focus on the fact that: you don't waste a single moment if you concentrate on enjoying being in it.

Anyway, I'm off to see my son and some friends in London this weekend so shall be kept gainfully busy there ~ my daughter's going to dog sit.

Hope you have an enjoyable weekend what ever the weather.

Smiles and hugs

Ian

Hi Ian

Think I may have ressembled Jack this morning (soaked whilst out walking my shopping trolley) but sadly had to dry myself off.  Finally managed to get out between showers to do the main weekly shop and am thinking waders might be the order of the day if we get much more of it (some huge puddles forming and drains must be struggling!!) but looking at some of the worst hit areas I am feeling real lucky just now!

Hope you enjoy your weekend with your son and nice to see your daughter is returning the dog-sit favour.  Tonight hubby going out with his pal for a well deserved tot of whisky (should help his cold/cough which is hanging about since Christmas - not on his chest apparently!!) and then tomorrow he is taking daughter and son in law (plus eldest grandson) to collect replacement secondhand family car whilst I get to look after baby Zack for a couple of hours - need to brush up on my nursery rhymes again!!

Take care and chat again soon.  Virtual hugs  Jules x

Hi Jules,

Your last message made me laugh ... yes 'drown rat' comes to mind.

Back now from a really good weekend away.  I hope yours went to plan as well and hubby got out with his friend, collected the car and recovered from his cold.

Back to Reality now ... and more being a 'drowned rat with the dog'!**!

Good news on the dog front though: Jack may have two days filming at the end of the month for some TV prog.

Have a nice day.

Ian xx