Hiya everyone. Sorry for not replying to everyone's kind messages. The past couple of weeks have been tough to say the least. My mam has been in and out of hospital with infections and during her last stay in hospital we found out she has blood clots on her lung and that her lung has also collapsed because of the clots.

She is home now but doctors have increased her morphine to 100ml a day where it was only 20ml before so needless to say she is completely out of it. She hallucinates sometimes, sleeps all of the time and her appetite is practically non existent. Her oncologist has given my mam steroids to help her eat and they are working a little bit but she only eats small amounts of food but she is drinking water tea and juice a hell of a lot!

She is slowly getting worse and I feel physically sick all of the time because not only do I know she is getting worse I can see it in her and it makes it 10 times harder for me because my mam has made me promise I won't put her into a hospice this is because when my mam was 4 her mam put her into a children's home with her sister and she was in there until she was 16 and she doesn't want to be in that environment again which is completely understandable and so I promised her I would look after her until the end.

So far I am doing just that but its breaking my heart seeing her die in front of my face and I can't help her other than make sure she is in no pain.

Hi Nichard,

I donthink I have joined in your thread before but have just read your latest post and just wanted to send you virtual hugs during what must be a very difficult time for you, your Mum and the whole family. It is definitely not at all easy watching loved one struggling during the cancer journey (my hubby has incurable cancer, diagnosed Feb 2012).  Can certainly understand how your Mum must feel regarding going into a hospice (though from personal experience a few years ago with my Dad found the peace and understand we recieved to be second to none) and think you must be a very loving/caring daughter to be her carer 24/7.  Is is possible where you live to pehaps have MacMillan nurse calling at home to give you some breaks?  So glad you can pop onto the forum as there will be many here who will really understand how you are feeling. I am relieved that your Mum can remain pain free with her drugs but so heartbreaking for you to watch her health failing.  The forum will Iam sure continue to try offering support to you during this stage of your journey.Jules54

Hi Nichola,

Good to hear from you on here, but sorry to news about your Mum's condition is not so good.  It does all sound so familiar, and I hope you won't mind me trying to offer some advice, having been through this so recently.

Firstly do not think that you cannot do anything to help your mum (other than help her pain) - just the very fact you are nearby will be offering her massive support, and at the moment, the closeness of her loved ones and to be kept comfortable is probably all she wants as would not have the energy for much else.  Talk to her, hold her hand and keep on doing all the other things you will be doing to look after her.  The nurses told us that Mum would be able to hear us even if she seemed 'out of it' so we made sure there was always one of us with her to do this, most of the time it was all of us.

Secondly, I do understand your Mum's fears about a hospice - our own experience was wonderful, but Mum's situation was so different because she wanted to go into a hospice as didn't want to be home and leave bad memories for us there.  But when a person is so unwell, their wishes have to come first, and if your Mum doesn't want it, then whether it is the right thing or not is kind of irrelevant. 

I think Jules has mentioned Macmillan, and I hope they are offering you all the support you need.  If not, have you spoken to anyone re the Hospice at Home programme  - we never really looked into it in great detail, but when we spoke about Mum going to a hospice, it was offered.  It basically means you have hospice care but at your own home,as the name suggests.  I don't know too many more details, and whether it is something that is available everywhere.  I just know that the hospice care was so important to Mum and us, she was offered a level of care and treatment that would not have been available elsewhere and this made an incredibly difficult time that much easier for us all.

One last piece of advice - make sure you are looking after yourself, you are going to have to dig deep and find strength you never knew you had, but you will find it to help your Mum.  I am sending you extra strength just in case, and a big hug as I really do know how your are feeling right now.  Take good care of yourself and your Mum, come back on here whenever you need.

Catherine xx