Dear Charlotte,

I only set out to write a small response, but it turned out to be a small essay!

I've just read it back, and although it is quite candid it might be of some comfort to you, I hope so.

The first couple of paragraphs and the last two are quite general, the ones in between are more specific to what happened to me and my father. I realise in writting to you, I might be dealing with what has happened to me, so I thank you as well for your support.

In my last post I tried not to directly say what you should do. It seems to me that I can only say what I said to my own family at the time of my fathers death, and that was, be with him as long as you can, don't witness things that might upset you in the future.

I stayed with him up until he went into unconsciousness, but was not there when he actually died. My mother had become hysterical, she did not want to be with him at the end. She had her reasons, she had lost her own mother at the age of 5, and seeing her mothers dead body as a child has haunted her all her life. So I took her out shopping for an hour or two, when we got home my father had just passed away by 10mins. It was then my turn in the family to take over and deal with the processes from there on, of dealing with doctors, nurses, undertakers, informing all the relatives etc

I admit from this point on I saw some things that perhaps I would rather had not witnessed, I have little flashbacks, but mostly I see how my father was before he died, and before he got very ill. My fathers death was very sudden, from being diagnosed with cancer to death only 4 weeks had passed. Prior to that he had been grumbling about aches and pains as he usually did, we are all kicking ourselves we didn't notice things earlier, but even the doctors missed he was so ill.

I live in Denmark and even though we could see he had become very ill, no one including the doctors and nurses thought he would die so suddenly. I could see him on skype, and thought I would wait until we could spend some time at Christmas, or when I could be of some use, I'm a good cook, and was talking with him about coming over to get him eating again. Then one day he suddenly looked very ill, I got a flight back to the UK, and a train across country, when I arrived he barely recognised me, but there was some interaction, he was very poorly, but putting up a brave fight. Then that night his condition deteriorated rapidly and within 48 hours he had died. This period where the person becomes unconscious might be the most difficult for you, It was for my family.

But for me it was the period before he became unconscious, my father was a very private man, he hated being in the hospital so my family brought him home. But at home and when his strength was failing and as the pain was increasing, (although he kept telling the nurses right up to the end, he was not in pain!) I felt he just became tired of not being able to deal with the simple functions of life, like feeding himself or going to the toilet. I believe he got fed up of all the indignities he was going through at times in front of strangers, and decided to give up on life.

I was with him for his last words and actions, he was agitated, confused, in pain and annoyed that he did not want to pee the bed. I reassured him that he was not going to pee the bed anymore, the nurses had seen to that by fitting a catheter, which he had agreed to in the morning. I told him that unfortunately he was not going to be able to get out of bed on his own anymore. After a while he took that onboard, he started to pee let out a sigh and leaned back on his pillow, he seemed to be relaxed. He never regained consciousness again, life and death as mundane as that, but I believe he died on his terms.

That's my real last memories of my father, everything after that is a blur. I sometimes wake up in the night having a dream about the whole experience going backwards. From my fathers death, him getting progressively better, to him becoming a handsome young man again. It's a pleasant dream, but one I don't understand, and it fills me with pleasant memories. I didn't expect my emotions to be so much in check. There are sad moments and I have the occasional tear, but mostly I seem positive all the time. Perhaps it's because when I left Denmark to be with my father I set out in a positive mood, I was going to get him back on his food, we were going to have a little glass of beer, enjoy our last Christmas, and we were going to go over our life together.

I've gone full circle again. I think it's because I shared my thoughts with him, even when he was unconscious we all noticed little signs of recognition, a moan for example at a pertinent point in our one way conversation, when we shared a memory with him, or kissed his head, or told him we loved him and he was being very brave. Or perhaps the sense of calm comes from when we walked away from him, when we were sure in our head and hearts we could not take it anymore. I suppose this is what I am saying Charlotte, we are all different, do only what you can do, you don't have to be strong all the time.