Hi, so, I’ve grown up my entire life with both my parents having cancer on and off. Dad first having had bowel cancer when I was 10, Mum then having ovarian cancer when I was 13, both have chemotherapy and radiotherapy and luckily saw it out.

Then, when I hit 29, Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer and offered chemotherapy, which worked. At 31, Mum was diagnosed with cancer and died 39 days later at just 57. In those 5 years my Dad has heavily grieved the loss of his wife. For the last year Dad has been in and out of hospital deteriorating and since Christmas has only returned home once. 

And then last Thursday we got the dreaded call that ‘this was it’, however dad is still with us now but completely out of it, and cannot communicate.

I don’t live within close proximity (almost 6 hours away) and after the last call last week dropped everything and made the journey to say goodbye taking my two young children under two and husband with me. We stayed for 6 days (at my parents house - dreadful decision) and then I had to make the decision to return home because my elder son is being a nightmare not being in routine.

Im struggling with not being there, but also having a hard time processing that this is ‘actually it’ after multiple goodbyes for many years. How can I manage this?

I want to be there and have plans in place to go in two days because I am on maternity leave but I’m worried he may slip off before then. It sounds selfish but it’s also so exhausting travelling and staying in my family home being reminded that no one is coming back to it, as well as not knowing.

I don’t know what validation im looking for here, i just want it to stop hurting, I physically, mentally and emotionally cannot take anymore